Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Learning what a crap process it all is and worried
We met up with a couple the other evening who has just adopted 2 children. We wanted to get hints, tips, advice and learn more. We got all of that and then some! I was a great night, lovely people, we learnt a lot, but it made us so depressed. There are so many hoops to jump through with adoption, so many potential outfield. They are looking to catch you out all the time. I wonder if we can do it? We want a family. Adoption will give us that family, but I am worried.
One comment that has stuck with us is when she said 'they will never be your children'. Is this really how all adoptive parents feel? Now I know she loves those kids, she is great with them, but suing that shocked and worried me.
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I'm sorry their experience worried you. First, about all the hoops. Yes, there are a lot of hoops. But my experience was that unless you had some major dark part of your past, the hoops were more like things to check off and not real barriers. That is, there were a bunch of steps we needed to do, but none of them would make us ineligible. More of a hassle than a barrier.
ReplyDeleteAbout the comment on them never being your kids. I believe strongly that my son is my son. I am his parent and he certainly responds like I am his mama. So I could never imagine myself saying he will never be mine. However, I do think that the adoption process makes you realize that kids don't "belong" to anyone, biological or adoptive. They are their person and our job as their parents (no matter how you came to be their parents) is to help them become the people they were meant to be and fulfill their potential. Sometimes you see parents trying to fit their own personality into their kids-maybe their love of sports or academics or whatever-and there is a lot of tension because the kid is a different person.
I am an adoptive Mom of a precious son we adopted at birth in January 2010. It took us 10 years with 4 of them trying to adopt-we matched in Vietnam and then the adoptions stopped and we lost the referral of a boy and then 2 years in the US with 2 agencies before we matched so we went through and learned alot that we did not know about adoption. I had to comment when I read what this couple said to you and how it is weighing on your heart. We never have felt nor never will feel our son is not our child. We do not have an open adoption, we have a semi open where we send updates/photos to our agency twice a year for his birthmother. We will always be open about his adoption with our son when the time comes. Adoption requires alot of faith and knowing God has your child waiting for you in his time not our time. When the match happens and the adoption occurs and you hold your child you will know why you have suffered through so much to start your family and never question or look back-your child was meant to come to you through adoption. Adoption is very scary at times-There is always the chance a birthmother will decide to parent and we always knew until we had him home and papers were signed and went for our court finalization that things can change.We always said we never would have wanted to adopt a child that the parents wanted to parent, if there was any doubts then it wasn't a fit for us. You have to be prepared for all the what ifs during the adoption wait and if an open adoption doesn't feel right for you then do not go with an agency that offers only open, interview some adoption agencies/attorneys before you sign on with one, ask to talk to parents who have adopted through an agency, how long was the wait, how many couples do they have waiting, do they email you everytime your book is shown, how much are their fees including medical costs to the birthmother during their pregnancy and if medicaid doesnt cover them or the baby- these are some things to ask upfront. Adoption is an amazing gift that a birthmother gives to their child they cannot parent or raise, they give them life.I think of her everyday and am so grateful she chose life for our son. So I hope you do not hold back on adoption because of what your friends said, that is their experience and doesn't have to be yours.It is an amazing journey and the love you will have for your baby will be no different then if you gave birth to them.I find that some friends and people I know are not so accepting of adoption or treat me as a "real" mother,but thats their view- unless you live it and raise an adoptive child you can never know really what it is about and what happens, but the love is exactly the same biological or not. Since we all cannot have children biologically I thank god for adoption everyday of my life, its not the way I thought my family would have happened and it was very hard and difficult to get through but my son is so beautiful I am so grateful everyday he is in my life and I am able to be a part of his becoming a great human being. I wish you the best in your journey to becoming a parent and that you find an agency you feel confidence in and will communicate the way you need during the adoption process and I agree with the comment above that children do not "belong" to any of us -biological or adoptive!
ReplyDeleteI agree adoption seems to be a daunting process. It may or may not turn out to be a difficult path. Her comment was odd, please don't let it worry you. You already know you would love an adopted child as much as a biological child or you would not be pursuing it.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, your kids will be YOUR KIDS no matter the journey they take to find you.
ReplyDeleteJust read your comment and I had to post. My oldest brother was adopted and then my parents were able to get pregnant naturally. There is no difference in how I feel from my oldest brother then my other siblings. It is like the same besides we don't look alike. I know my parents would agree as well. They would never think that he isn't "their" child.
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