DH back to work

My DH has gone back to work and so I am home alone with the dogs, resting. I have been feeling a little better each day which is good, but I have to be careful not to do too much too soon.

My belly has finally started to go down as the gas is going and I have been able to go to toilet a fair bit. I no longer have the 6 month belly look which is good. The only time I want a bump is when I have a baby in there!

My MIL and FIL has been over all weekend and it has been a great help, but I am pleased to have the house back to myself. My MIL asked whether they thought I could have kids. I said I dont know, I only have one tube that works so there is a chance but it is decreased. She told me I should get on the IVF list as soon as possible as the waiting list is long. I havent had a proper conversation with DH as to whether we will go down this route straight away, so I am certainly not going to have it with my MIL. I know she means well but she is also nosey and a gossip and I dont want everyone knowing my business. If we try IVF I dont want anyone to know. DH's nan then rang to find out how I was and asked all the same questions. I wanted to scream how much I want a kid and how we have been trying but I dont know if it will happen. Instead I acted indifferent, its easier that way at the moment

Pain when opening bowels

As you can tell from the title this is a TMI post....!
I hadn't had a poo since Monday and had been getting very bloated and uncomfortable. The in-laws decided they wanted an Indian take out and so I figured something spicy may help!
Sine eating I have been sitting on the toilet and have been crying my belly hurts so much. The spice helped to kick start my guts, but OMG the contractions of my gut hurts so much.
My belly has been hurting loads today anyway which hasn't been helped by going to toilet, but also by Maddy jumping on my belly earlier! Since then my wound where the drain was has been oozing loads. Need to change the dressing for the second time today.
Other than all of this, I am fine, lol!

Still feeling rubbish

I have been home for a few days now and I am still feeling rubbish. My DH has been helping loads bless him but I think he is struggling. I am still in a fair amount of pain and cant really do a lot for myself. The shit thing is my in-laws are over this weekend. Is great because they can help DH with the housework, looking after the two dogs and putting up our shed. Problem is, I just dont feel like visitors and having to worry about being dressed at all times. The last two days I have been walking around in my granny knickers and a long baggy t-shirt.

I still have a massive hole in my abdomen where the drain was and at the moment it isnt closing. I was told this would take a week so I am not panicking but it is still painful, especially because I have to change the dressing and clean it every day.

I am sorry, I am having a bit of a shit day and feeling a bit down and a bit 'poor me'. Just a phase I will hopefully get out of soon. Think it is just because I am so sore still and not really up and about yet. Also because my bro and SIL had Madison on Monday, all focus is on them and I am finding it hard as I am so so happy to have a niece, but so worried that I will not have a baby of my own.

Just got home from hospital!

I was let out today! So pleased. Was going stir crazy in that bed. I managed to get up and shower this morning. I woke up determined to go home today and it worked!
Since being home I have been lying down and had a nap. Nice to be home!
My surgeon told me this morning that he has sent me a referral letter for IVF which is good. Even if we decide to wait a while before going down that route we will be on the books. Will save time.
Am feeling very sore and exhausted. My dh is looking after me so all should be well with me soon

Up on my feet

Last night, after my lap was not a good night. Been in so much pain and hardly slept. At lunch time I sat up, washed and sat in a chair beside my bed for a few hours. I have since walked around and as a reward for good behaviour they have taken my urinary catheter out! I have mixed feelings about this. I am obviously pleased to be rid, but am nervous about having to get up all the time to pee and the pain factor.

I will be staying in hospital tonight and hopefully coming out tomorrow (Thursday).

It is 1am and I am In pain! *updated*

I can't sleep, pain is bad. I have been waiting an hour and a half for some pain killers and it is nowhere to be seen. Is a joke. Feeling crap haven't been able to sit up since my surgery which isn't like me, I am normally on m feet by now!

Going to be a long painful night!
Update ***** it's 2am and I have been given some morphine at last! Sweet dreams for me now I hope!******

Awake from my lap but in hospital

I was under for four hours. My endo was extensive they had to remove my utero-sacral ligaments, remove my series on my rectum, remove my appendix and biopsymy liver! Bad news is that my left tube is blocked so only have a chance to get pg naturally if ovulate on my right ovary! I have asked for a referral for IVF but will try naturally till then

Am in quite a bit of pain. Have a drain in my abdo and a urinary catheter. Will in hosp for a few days I think. On the upside I have eaten a sandwich!

Oh and the laxative is the way forward for weight loss. I lost half a stoone because of it! Woo yeah!

Auntie Nic again!!

My SIL gave birth to Madison this afternoon. She weighs in at 7lb 6 ounces and has long brown hair and is apparantly perfect!! I cant wait to see a picture of her and go visit them in the USA in March!! Congrats to both of them, I am so pleased to be an Auntie again!

I hope it is my turn next time..............

Dreading my lap tomorrow. Want it to be over, want to be able to start TTC again. Want a baby!!

bowel prep and lap tomorrow

Right now I am sitting on the toilet (TMI!) waiting for my bowel prep solution to work. I have been dreading today. I dont need any help in the going to toilet department so I think I am going to have a extreme reaction to this bowel prep. To top things off it is DISGUSTING! I had trouble drinking the solution and I have another one to drink this afternoon. I actually vomited some of it up it was so gross! I hope I have drunk enough for this 12 hour session!

I am feeling so nervous about my lap tomorrow. I have been awake since 3.30am thinking, stressing and feeling so nervous. I just want to get it over and done with now. I am worried about what they will do and find and I am worried about the amount o pain I will be in when I wake up. I know that sounds pathetic but I hope I can cope with the pain. I have done in past so all should be fine.

I am going to be staying in hosp at least untill wednesday afternoon so I will let you all know how I am as soon as possible. I will take my iphone into hospital with me so will send a quick message if I can get internet.

I am off to experience my bowel prep. Joy!

pre-op appointment-more than I bargained for

Had my pre-op appointment yesterday. It took 3 hours!! I had to see the nurse and fill out forms, get swabbed for MRSA, have blood taken, have a consult with a junior doctor and then a consult with my surgeon!! My surgeon ran through what he was going to do and it is so much more involved than I had anticipated. I will need to stay in hospital for a few days, will have a urinary catheter in place when I wake up, a drip and an abdominal drain. he then started to tell me about the chance of him cutting into my bowel and having a colostomy bag. I obviously freaked at this!

I only thought it was going to be a half hour check up and bloods. My DH didn't come with me and so I was on my own and felt v overwhelmed, I left the hospital in tears. I am so nervous about my op on Tuesday now!

Monday is also going to be a joy as I have to have a bowel prep which involves taking two lots of laxatives and so Monday I can not eat anything and only drink clear fluids. Not only will I be shitting through the eye of a needle, I will be starving for my op on Tues as the last time I will eat is Sunday night! Not sure how I will cope as I love my food! On the up side, I may shed the last few pounds I have been trying to lose for the last however many weeks!

Feeling v nervous and stressed about it all. Oh what we put ourselves through, just for a chance at trying for a baby!!

On another bad note, my Doctor may put me back on the Zoladex suppression injections after my op. I really hope not, I hate them so so much!

Today is end of suppression!!!

OMG! Can't believe my suppression is over! 6 long months of menopause, hot flushes, cold sweats, dizzy spells, fatigue and mood swings are over! Can't believe it! In some ways it has gone slowly, but in other ways so fast!

I half woke up this morning expecting to be greeted by old Nic, but I don't feel any better yet. I guess the drug will gradually come out of my system and I shall return!

My question to you guys is how soon will I get my period after stopping zoladex? I am hoping not a few days as have my lap on Tues, but hopefully not 6 months as really wanting to get back to TTC after Christmas!

Thinks are a little better - thank you!

Wow, what an amazing response form my last post. Thank you all for your kind words. It really is so nice to have such thoughful words of encouragement.

Thinsg with DH and I are a lot better. We didnt talk to each other for a couple of hours after the conversation. I think it was just a time to reflect on what each other had said. By evening time we were cuddling, showing affection, and back to our nearly normal chatty selves. Also last night we made love for the first time in ages so all is good! (Sorry if TMI!)

You guys are right, communication is the key. If we cant talk and let each other know how we are feeling and coping then there is no hope. We had both lost sight of that I think.

You are right, IF can break a marriage or make it unbreakable. That quote will stay with me and remind me to stay strong together. Thanks Rebecca!

Crying inside

Had a very deep and painful conversation with my DH whilst driving home from my Grandparents this afternoon. I haven't posted about this as didn't want to seem a bitch or melodramatic, but my DH has not been very affectionate or loving these past couple of months. I know it is partly my fault as I have been horrible with my hormones. My moods are so up and down poor DH hasn't known whether he was coming or going. However I have become increasingly frustrated as he has withdrawn into himself and hardly speaks to me of an evening and there is certainly no kissing or cuddling.

I spoke to him about this in the car and he told me it was because I have been such a bitch and a grumpy cow. He said that he got to the point that he didn't know what mood I would be in when he got home from work that he didn't even bother to try to find out. I apologised and explained it has been hard for me too with these horrible hormones. He understood and we both apologised. I was on the verge of tears though, some of the things he said was extremely hurtful but I didn't want him to know I was about to cry as he would just call me hormonal!

I did have to remind him of all of the pain and procedures I am going through just so that we stand a small chance of having a baby. I know he would swap if he could and its not easy what he has to deal with (mainly my hormones!) but it is a lot for me to bear.

I also approached a 'what if' situation if we can not have children. I said I would want to adopt as I can not live my life without a child. He does not want to adopt. I told him that may become a problem and it could end our marriage. He said his mind may change in 5 years time if we def cant have children but for now adoption is not an option. I guess that is fair. Adoption is not on the cards yet, no where near yet. I do however like to play out all scenarios in my mind just in case!

My poor arm!

Here a picture of my arm 5 days after being bitten by the dog!! The bruising is massive and still very painfull!!!



No other updates at the mo. Same old, same old!!

Bitten by a dog

So yesterday was not a good day for me. Work was very busy, I got shat on by some of my collegues who shirked off work and left me to do it all. I then got bitten by a big aggressive Golden retriever on my left arm. It was so bloody painful. My arm swelled instantly and turned a nsaty shade of red and purple whilst the rest of me turned a shade of white!! It broke the skin in quite a few places so one of my nurses cleaned me up and put surgical spirit on the wounds to try to stop infection - that bloody hurt as well!

I tried to get to a doctor for a tetanus shot but no doctor would see me! I am now in a fair amount of pain and feeling a bit pissed off and a bit sorry for myself. My arm is twice the soze it should do and is purple and black from major bruising!!

Crap all going on!

I have started the count down to my laparoscopy. I am feeling nervous, I keep having stress headaches and am really not looking forward to it.

Other than that, nothing is going on.

My SIL is due any day and I am so excited to become an auntie!

Facebook is bad. Keep getting more PG news and seeing US pictures from my massivley fertile friends. My opps I sneezed and now I am pregnant friends.

Me, bitter, jealous, green with envy.... never!! Lol!

OMG 18 days left!!

I glanced at the top of my blog just now and saw my ticker said 18 days left of my ovary suppression!! Wow, it is nearly over! The break has felt like a life time but has gone quickly all at the same time which sounds strange I know.

I am feeling so excited to have these horrible injections out of my system. I am pleased to have this break over, the end of another 6 months of my life. I am however a little worried as I will not have anything to blame my mood swings on now! I Think my DH expects me to be 100% happy and back to normal and not grumpy or depressed once these injections are over. He is looking forward to no mood swings once these injections are gone. I havent the heart to tell him I am a woman and will always have mood swings no matter what!!