Not where I thought I would be

I have written 350 posts! I am not where I thought I would be. I thought/hoped I would be pregnant by now. Instead I am on the pill. It seems so backwards! I am on the pill to try to shrink my cyst and get ready for my next IVF in January. Half of me feels like this break is a good thing but the other half feels like we should be actively TTC and try without medical help. I realise that the chance of TTC naturally are so slim so whats the point!

As far as my cyst goes, it has been playing up I think. I had a few twinges and some pain at the beginning of the week. Since then I have had three bleeds despite being on the pill. TMI alert!! It is not fresh blood, just old brown watery type bleed. Very strange and annoying. I am sure it must be the cyst. I can only hope it is a good sign and it is shrinking?

I have a telephone consult on Monday with my Dr to discuss my sedation protocol for egg colection, side effects of the drugs, and a WTF chat. I am still losing my hair. It is so upsetting.

On a good not I am eating a bit healthier and went to the gym today. I am determined to get my body back in shape before next IVF.

New year, new cycle, new protocol!

I went to the clinic today and have got the dates and protocol for my new IVF cycle in January! Here is the protocol:

Start Suprecur (lupron) 27th Dec
Stop The pill 3rd Jan
Base-line scan 7th Jan and start stims (225iu Menopur)
2nd scan 14th Jan
3rd scan 17th Jan
Egg collection 19th Jan
Blastocyst 5day transfer 24th Jan!

I am very excited but worried. This is our last NHS funded cycle, I really hope it works!

I have a few questions. Have you guys used menopur before, is it better than Gonal-F as that was what I was on last time as stims?
Is it normal to have a 5 day transfer, I had a 3 day transfer last time but our clinic is now doing 5 days routinely.

In exactly 2 months time I will be starting my second fresh cycle of IVF! Until then I shall try to get my body in better shape, try to get myself a little happier, look after myself and drink wine and eat sushi!!

I am back!

I have been away on a much needed holiday to Cornwall with DH and my two fur babies. Weather was great, had some lovely walks on the beach and tried to forget all about our IF and BFN's. It has helped a little and I am feeling a little better. Sadly going away for a week has not got rid of how miserable I am at the moment, but it has dampened it a little.

Now I can move on

My period arrived last night. I was pleased because I can start to move on. The pain though is really bad. My endometriosis is very bad at the mo. Not sure how I will get through the day. My pain killers don't seem to be helping. Just want to curl in a ball with a head pad and cry. Sadly I am off to work instead.

New cycle in January?

I got a call from the clinic today. They have reviewed my notes and I am able to do a fresh IVF cycle again free on the NHS in January. I shall go on the pill, have a break and then new year, new cycle, new start? They will be changing me from Gnal F to 225 units of Menopur. I hope this helps as apparently it has better success rates?

I STILL have not got my period. So frustrating. I am going away on holiday to Cornwall on Saturday. I was hoping that my period will be here and over by the time we go away on holiday. Sadly not the case. I have been told to test again in a few days if still no period. I guess the drugs are not out of my system an maybe the cyst on my ovary is making me late again? I will not allow myself to get my hopes up and think it is a late implanter, I cant get my hopes up.

I am struggling to carry on with work at the moment. It is so busy and stressfull and I feel like I am on the verge of tears half the time. I have not allowed myself to properly cry and cry and grieve this failed cycle yet. I cant break down yet as have a few more days of work and holding myself together as best I can.

Trying to get over it.

Thanks to everyone for their support. I called the clinic yesterday and told them of my BFN. I said AF has not showed yet and I was told to stop my progesterone and oestrogen. AF is still not here. Frustrating as I just want to move on. I know when she does show it will be upsetting. I guess the whole time she stays away there is that small niggle at the back of your mind saying 'maybe they were just late implanting, maybe the POAS was wrong'. I know this is not the case though.

3 more days of work and then off on holiday woth DH and the dogs to Cornwall. I need the break so bad! I need to give my mind and body a rest.

BFFN

I pee'd on two sticks this morn, one a first response and one clear blue. Both a BFFN. I am 11dp5dt. Surely its over. Where is AF?

Will call clinic soon. So upset and pissed off. What is wrong with my shitty body?!?

10dp5dt, I test tomorrow....

My OTD (official test date) is tomorrow! I had been doing so well but I caved again and POAS this afternoon. It was a BFN. I am 10dp5dt. Surely there is not much hope for a good outcome. I am having the odd cramp but have been for a few days. Nothing major or painful. It certainly does not feel like AF is coming.
I am dreading tomorrow. What if it is a BFN and there is no AF? I dread calling the clinic to tell them its a BFN. Seems so harsh. Why cant we have a beta blood test like in the USA and other places?

I am feeling so down and trying to prepare myself for the worst but every time I think about it I start to cry. I am having a manic weekend and have a manic day tomorrow. I do not know how I will cope at work tomorrow it I get a BFN.

Please let it be positive. I wish I was the praying type......

8dp5dt

I need another slap.... DH does not know I POAS a stick yesterday and he has kept telling me to test so I tested this morning on my AM urine at 8dp5dt and it was still a BFN. I used a digital and there is something SO offensive by it saying 'NOT pregnant'. Surely it could let you down gently first!!! Of course I cried, of course I feel like it is all over but AF is not here yet so its not over yet. I am feeling a bit sore and crampy though.

Sadly I am working all this weekend, days and nights so will not have time to rest. It may help me to take my mind off things but I am scared I will get my period at work and be on my own like last failed IVF.

As ever I am the optimist!

I gave in

I POAS this afternoon. I know its only 7dp5dt and is very early. It was a negative. I half expected it, but half of me hoped it would be a miracle. I am gutted. I keep telling myself it is early and it was not on the first urine of the day. It was on a FRED though......

I have had a few minor cramps on my right side today and I am grumpy. Hope it is not PMS, just me feeling down and pessimistic.

5dp5dt - felin hot!

Another boring post I am afraid! Still counting down the days, they are going so slowly!

Not much has changed from yesterday. One thing that DH keep commenting on over the last two days is that I feel very hot! My temp is def up, I am hot, he cant hug me at night as I am too warm. I am never warm, ever, I am like a fridge! Is this a side effect of the progesterone? I didnt have it last cycle. I have also felt sicky this morning again. I am sensible enough to know it is too early and any signs are due to progesterone, but the warmth as well?

The two people who know about our IVF and FET are starting to ask when I will find out. I hate the added pressure, one of the reasons I have not told family.

I really hope that Emma and Brian (the names of our two embryo's for some reason!) have snuggled down.

4dp5dt

Help, I am bored, restless and sick of this 2ww already!! My mind is working in over drive and I am half wanting to POAS (WAY too early I know!!!) and the other half of me never wants to POAS as I want to stay PUPO forever! I realise that it doesn't make sense. I guess I am desperate to know, but scared it hasn't worked.

Bad thing, but I cant help but google. I have found people that got a BFP on 4dp5dt. Surely that cant be right?!!?

I have found a forum that I have joined recently, it is for my fertility clinic and all the girls are cycling there with me. Two of the girls have just got a BFP which is amazing. There seems to be a lot of BFP's this time round and a few minor good things seem to be happening to me at the mo (which is rare) and so I semi optimistic but also scared I am using up all my good luck. DO you think there is only a certain number of BFP's that are handed out each round and once the quota is used up, everyone else gets a BFN?

Wow, I am screwed up at the mo. I realise all of the above is just a load of brain dribble. Sorry. I just had to get it out of my system!!

Oh and I made a fool out of myself the other day, I walked out of the doctors crying because the doctor told me I was losing my hair because of the IVF meds and there wasnt anything she could do but check my thyroid. I am already being treated for hypothyroidism! She did give me some shampoo which is helping with the dandruff but now my hair loss. I never cry in public, especially not whilst walking out of my doctors, surrounded by a few clients and everyone staring at me! SO embarrassing!!

3dp5dt and driving myself crazy!!

This 2ww is going so slowly (when does it every go quick?!?) and I am driving myself crazy, wondering, hoping, googling all the time!

I have found the twilight saga to occupy me. I know I am a bit slow! I loved the films and so am reading the books on my NEW amazon kindle!! DH bought it for me as an early Christmas present so I wont have anything to open on the day, but that's OK, I love it. It is so easy to use and to read from. I have finished the first book in 2 1/2 days. That maybe so slow to some, but that is the quickest I have ever read a book. I am extremely dyslexic and so reading off a white background makes the words move and jump around, it did not happen with the kindle. I am now in love, not only with the kindle, but also with Edward! So much so I am considering calling my first boy Edward, LOL!!

I have been a bit crampy since my transfer, which is strange as the transfer itself was pretty much fine, slightly uncomfortable but not what I would call painful. I can only hope the cramps are a good sign. I know that you can not analyse any signs at this stage, but I really hope one or two of them are snuggling in for the journey.

As far as testing goes, I know it is way too early at the moment, but I am wondering whether I can wait until 11dp5dt? That's 16 days past ovulation in the real world. I was thinking of testing on Friday. That would be 8dp5dt. That surely can not be too early?!!? When did you all get a positive hpt after a 5 day transfer?

Going bald, help!

Has anyone ever found that their hair started falling out and getting dry clumps of dandruff on your scalp during IVF/FET treatment? I seemed to have got all of the side effects of these drugs like headaches, insomnia and bad guts, all of which I can cope with but I am losing my hair! I am starting to notice thinning of my hair line and it is upsetting! Help! The IF clinic has not heard of it, my GP told me it was rare and gave me some shampoo, but nothing is helping! If I do get PG and have to stay on these meds until 12 weeks, I am scared I will be completely bald! Maybe I should start collecting all of my hair that falls out to make my self a wig! Seriously though, it is really bothering me.

On a plus side I am PUPO which is always exciting and I am trying to rest but I know this 2ww is going to go so slow. Yay to being 1dp5dt!