ALL 10 fertilised!!!!

Just got the fert report! All 10 fertilised!! I am soooooo happy! Was such a horrible anxious wait, esp as DH is out this morning. I couldn't have asked for more!

Transfer is 8.45am on Monday (3 day transfer). I hope they all survive.

At the moment I have 10 little babies!!!

Egg collection done!!

We got 10 eggs collected! Of course everyone wants more, hopefully that should be plenty!

I was in loads of pain for the collection, it wasn't the needle, it was the ultrasound probe and because of my endo. There were a few endometriomas on my ovaries which they sorted out.

I am now chilling and anxiously waiting for the phone call Saturday morning to say how many have fertilised. The plan is a 3 day transfer.

About have my egg collection!

I'm waiting at the clinic feeling very nervous. Dh is doing his bit and then it will all be down to me. I hope there's lots of eggs!!

We triggered last night!! *updated*

No more injections! We triggered last night and now the agonising wait untill my egg collection at 9 am tomorrow!!

I am really nervous. Worried there won't be any eggs in the follies, worried they won't fertilise and then grow. I'm also worried how painful the procedure will be.

With the nhs we get two fresh cycles. If it gets canceled before egg retrieval it does not count as a go. Once you have egg retrieval that is one go used up, regardless of whether there is any embryo's to transfer or not. I really hope we have some to putback and some left to freeze would be amazing!!

Off to work to distract myself from tomorrow! Struggling to hide my excitement!!

**update** In answer to a question, no we are not doing ICSI, the doctors do not see any need.
Sadly I am only being sedated for the retrieval, not a GA so I will be aware a little.

Not long now, feeling so nervous and excited!!!

OMG! Egg collection is now Friday!!

I had my first and last follie scan this morning!!! I have responded so well they have pulled my egg collection forward to Friday!! (was meant to be Monday!!) I was and still am a little shocked/excited/scared/amazed!!

Nice nurse scanned me again. The fluid has gone and my right ovary should be OK to reach!!

This is really happening!! I was so sure I wasn't responding well as the pain I have felt has been less than anticipated.

Here are the figures:
lining: 8.6mm
R ovary follies: 4x 6mm, 1x 8mm, 1x 10mm, 2x 11mm, 2x 12mm, 2x 13mm, 1x 16mm, 2x 18mm, 1x 20mm
L ovary follies: 2x 6mm, 1x 8mm, 1x 9mm, 1x 10mm, 2x 14mm, 1x 15mm, 2x 19mm, 1x 21mm

I realise there are some small ones there, but there are 11 that are 14mm or over which is my clinics goal. Hopefully the other smaller ones will catch up in the next two days!!

I am so excited!! Thank you to all who chanted grow follies grow! It has worked!!!

stim update

I have one more stim injection to do tonight and then I go in for my first follie check tomorrow morning!! I am excited about the scan, excited to see if the twinges I am feeling are my follies growing. I really hope all is well.

I am having less side effects with the injections now, the diarrhoea has calmed down thankfully!

I am trying so hard not to get ahead of myself and think about my collection and transfer next week. I keep reminding myself that I could get cancelled, I may not be responding, that small amount of fluid may still be in my uterus.

DH and I had the baby name talk last night. We have agreed on a few names, but we had to stop ourselves as we were getting so excited about the thought of us having a baby (or two!) and we have a way to go yet.

Grow follies grow!!

Side effects of stims (TMI!)

So, for the last two days, I have been having bad diarrhoea. I have struggled at work, I have had to keep running upstairs to go to the toilet all day! Did any of you get this as a side effect?

I have had a few minor twinges by my ovaries, a tiny bit of bloating and headaches. Yesterday I thought I was going to faint when I was standing up operating, think I was just a bit hot and exhausted.

Five more days of stims until I have my next scan. I hope my follies are starting to grow, I hope that this will work and the side effects will calm down. I have a feeling that its only going to get worse. I am expecting more and more pain in my belly.

Sadly DH is away this weekend. I really miss him, wish he was here. I hate the fact that I am feeling needy. I am not a needy person. I just hate being on my own at the moment, my mind goes into over drive.

I am managing with injecting myself twice a night, its fine, I am coping better than I thought I would with the injecting side.

I still cant believe we are doing IVF, that I am one step closer to my baby!!

Base line scan and start stims!!

Had my baseline scan this morning. I was very nervous as worried about it being painful. Thankfully my nurse was lovely, so considerate and it hardly hurt!! She is now called nice nurse.

I have a little fluid in my uterus but most prob because I am still bleeding (hopefully, fingers crossed!!) and there are lots of small follicles on both ovaries. My right ovary is in a slightly strange position, most prob due to my endo and adhesion's. Nice nurse said at the mo the ovary is ok to get at for retrieval so hopefully that wont change.

I start my stims tonight!! I am on 300 units of Gonal-F a day and my suprecure (lupron to American's) is continuing but a slightly lower dose.

I am so excited!! We are moving onto the next stage! I am growing my follicles!! This is happening!!

A breakthrough....

...bleed that is. I came off the pill on Friday and this evening started bleeding. I am in a bit of pain and feeling a bit crappy. I do feel like it is progress though.

Yesterday was a bad day for me; DH was at work , I had a headache and I was being massively emotional, nearly in tears a lot of the day. I hated it, I am not someone who cries much.

I am not looking forward to Wednesday, my baseline scan. I most prob will be still bleeding and am worried about me bleeding and them scanning me. I am also worried about the pain. Wanda hurts me every time we meet. I am worried about the pain. Last time I was scanned I was in so much pain I was in tears, they were silently rolling down my face. DH is not with me this time to hold my hand. I wish he was coming, but I will cope. I can do this. I hope it will all be worth it in the end.

6th injection

I cant believe it, but tonight I am just over halfway through my suppression injections!! I stop the pill tomorrow, should have a bleed and then have my first monitoring appointment and baseline scan on Wednessday!!

Things are OK, the injections are going OK. I have found that it hurts less to inject into the fat on the side of my thigh, rather than my belly.

Side effects are not too bad, a few hot flushes and few headaches but still nothing major which is good.

I am worried about Sunday as I have a family party and will need to take my injection with me. I am not sure where I am going to store it or how I am going to sneak off to give it. Hopefully I will be able to work something out, or just leave a little early to be home by 10pm to give it.

On a side note: DH is trying to be helpful and supportive but he cant watch me do the injections! He turns his head away each time! I have asked him if he would inject me, but sadly not!! I hope that I manage to stay strong and am able to keep doing the injections myself! I am worried if the next lot will be bigger or hurt more and I may struggle!

So far so good... 18 days untill my egg retrieval!!! 21 days untill pregant untill proven otherwise!!

Its getting easier

Second injection was a lot better than the first. I did not hesitate, I swabbed and stabbed! There was less pain with the injection but a little more stinging when I pushed on the plunger. Its fine though, I can do it easily, it will lead me to my baby!

I am not having any side effects yet which is good, I am wondering when they start? Third injection is tonight so I guess it will take time. I will be more than happy if the side effects never kick in, but I think that maybe wishful thinking!!

This injection thing is great, it gives me something to do, it helps me to tick the days off, its better than waiting around doing nothing....

1st injection done!!

At 10pm this evening I gave myself my 1st injection! I was nervous. My skin is tougher than expected and it hurt a little as the needle went in. I now have a small mark on my skin it may bruise as I wasn't happy with my technique as I was nervous. I will be better tomorrow night.

This is really happening! I have started my IVF!!!!

My IVF is about to start! A reflection

This is a look back on my IF journey so far. My injections for IVF start tomorrow and I am so fricking excited!!

I got diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 18. I was already with my now DH at the time and expressed my concern to him about my chances of having children. We decided not to worry, we were sure all would be fine, we were too young to think about it so we carried on as normal.

Throughout my training as a vet DH and I always talked about having children and really wanted them once I had worked as a vet for a while to get my career going. Once we got married we decided we were having children as soon as possible. I came off the pill. We started TTC but not properly, that whole 'if we relax it will happen' shite! Each month when it didn't happen it got more and more serious. I started monitoring my ovulation and timing sex and months went by where we kept getting BFN's.

Long story short I went to the doctors, had a 2nd lap, had 6 months of suppression and a 3rd lap to cut me endo away, remove my appendix, biopsy my liver, remove my utero-sacral ligaments and started TTC again. Nothing happened and couldn't cope off the pill, so we had an IVF consult. Because we were told one of my tubes are blocked and the other one is dilated, my chances of conceiving naturally are very small.

I was put on the NHS IVF waiting list and amazingly I am about to start my injections tomorrow!!

I remember when I started this blog. I was a little naive, I was a little too hopeful, but that all changed as my blogging continued. When I first started this blog I got a rude comment from someone. I was told I could not claim I had IF unless I had been TTC for at least 2 years. Now that annoyed me, my journey of TTC had not been as long as some girls, but I had endo, I had a lap, I had already been on different treatments to try to control my endo and pain. Every time I had tried coming off the pill, the pain and sickness had been so bad I had to go back on it. I was frustrated, I couldn't try for a baby like others and that has still been my problem a couple of years down the line. I can not cope off the pill, I need the pill and I hate that. This is why IVF is my only option.

A confession; when I used to read IVF blogs I was always interested and supportive and genuine, but I always secretly hoped it would not be me, felt a little sorry for the girls. I am sure that everyone hoped they would not need IVF. Now that it is most probably my only option I am sad, I am disappointed and I do not want others to have to go through it. I wish I didnt have to go through it. I am nervous. I am scared, what if it doesn't work? What if they can not collect my eggs as my endo is so bad they can not get to my ovaries. What if I do not have a baby at the end of this. How will I cope?

I start my injections tomorrow!!!!

I can't believe it, I have been waiting for tomorrow for what feels like forever and all of a suddenly is nearly here!!

I am very nervous about giving my 1st injection, I am not very good when it comes to doing things to myself. I am a vet, I do loads of injections everyday, just not to myself!!

Any hints and tips to stop bruising and pain would be great.

A reflective post (yay! Lol!) may follow shortly. Just wish to document my feelings on my journey so far.

Did I mention I am so excited!!!

My boss reduced me to tears

My boss is a horrible w@"%#r. Sorry about the swearing, but my boss treated me and spoke to me like shit yesterday. I was on duty and we got a cow c-section emergency. I rang him for some help as I have never done a cow c-section before and he is my second on call. He shouted at me down the phone, had a go at me for calling him and refused to come help me. He just demanded I go and get on with it myself. I kept my cool whilst on the phone, but burst into tears and was shaking when I got off the phone from him. No one should speak to anyone like the way that he spoke to me. I was ready to leave work right that second, was going to hand in my resignation and not work my two month notice. Thankfully LG my collegue came with me and showed me how to do it and we did it together. I now know how to do it and will be fine next time. I cant believe my Boss would not help, was so rude, shouted at me down the phone.

If I did not have my IVF starting on Saturday (OMG!!!) I would have handed my notice in today wth no regrets. I feel I can not go through IVF and work out my notice and job hunt. The stress will be detrimental to my IVF and my chances. I just need to suck it up, avoid my boss so that there is no confrontation and concentrate all my efforts on getting pregnant!!

I hate how my Boss spoke to me and I hate how he has made me feel and I hate how I have lost sleep over him and I hate that he has made me hate him....

On a positive note; in one months time I will hopefully be pregnant until proven otherwise!!!

Up and down

Thanks to everyone for their support, means a lot to me. I have been having good happy days and very depressed days for the last week. I am just sick of waiting, sick of wanting something so bad. I have realised that a week on Saturday I will be starting my injections!! Yay, one more week of waiting and then hell. The insomnia, migraines and restlessness will start! I am sure I will be moody during it but hopefully it will be worth it.

As far as my friend at work goes, she is pregnant which is great for her, but we all sadly found out a horrible way. She came into work on Monday in tears as she was bleeding and she thought she was miscarrying again. She could not get a scan until Wednesday and the bleeding had started on the Saturday! The NHS is shit!! Thankfully the baby is fine, they saw a heart beat and she is 8 weeks PG! It suddenly put things into perspective, the jealousy went away immediately. I did not want her to go through another miscarriage and thankfully at the mo all is fine.

The hard thing is now that everyone at work knows, there is soooo much talk of babies. Everyone is obviously happy for her and excited, including me, but it is hard at times.

Not long now and hopefully it will be me as well. We will have babies three months apart, fingers crossed for both of us!!