SITM Winter 2010!

The wonderful Kym at I'm a smart one organised a great Sock it to me exchange.

I received some great socks from PCOSchick, they are long, stripy angora wool socks! Amazing, thank you so much! I have decided that I am not going to wear them until I have my IVF appointment at my fertility clinic. This may not be until the summer, I may be hot in them, but I am hoping they will bring me the luck that I need!!!

The ALI community have supported me so much through this horrible IF journey that I am on. I have had so many wonderful followers and commenter's and supporters that have put up with my ramblings, moaning and stressing. I feel that I could not have got through all that I have without this great support network.

I just hope that these socks bring me the baby that I so dearly want

Deppressed

I am not in a good place at the moment. I have had a shit day, work is crap, people are treating me like shit. The pill is also making me have mood swings and the fact that I am on the pill is getting me down. I feel like I am getting further away from my dream of a baby. I have had so many hurdles to get over and each one sets me back, not moves me forward as I had hoped.

I do not want to be on the pill, I want to be TTC, I want to be pregnant. I hate my body, I hate how it will not allow me to even try for a baby. I just hope that I get on the IVF list soon. I am slipping further and further into a depression.

I admit defeat....

I went back on the pill this morning. I have been thinking about it all week as the pain of my period has been unbearable. That's not the main reason though as I would just keep taking pain killers. The main reason is I am going to USA in a months time to visit my parents, brother, SIL and see my new niece! If this cycle didn't work I would be flying on the day after AF is due and I would not be able to cope with a 9hr flight feeling how I have this week. As soon as I get back from America I will come off the pill and try again. Hopefully IVF will be soon. I hope this month break will help my insides calm down a bit and will allow me to enjoy my trip.

It wasn't an easy pill to swallow though.

Met with a bump

I met a friend from uni today. Hadn't seen her for about 1 1/2 years and it was great to see her and catch up. Only problem was that she is 33 weeks pregnant and has the biggest, most amazing bump ever. She is my friend who decided to start ttc, only to find she was already pregnant! I'm afraid she is one of those, a fertile!

I coped well at the time, but couldn't bring myself to look at the bump properly. I was worried if I looked I would stare and then blurt out how I want one. This evening I have been in tears. I am emotional because of my bfn the other day, because of my very painful period and because I am so bloody jealous.

I am pleased for her, she is so happy and excited. I just wish it was me as well.

On a side note; I have decided to ttc for another cycle before going back on the pill. I hope I can cope with the pain of af, my endo and a bfn again next month.

An upsetting conversation with a co-worker

I have been very I'll the last couple of days, my period has been so bad and I have been throwing up due to pain. Here is a conversation I had with a new co-worker:
Him: how's the baby?
Me: I'm not pregnant
Him: yeah yeah whatever
Me: no, I am not pregnant
Him: what about all this morning sickness?
Me: I couldn't be less pregnant if I tried
Him: yeah, how's that then?
Me: I have my period
Him: well you hear about these people who have periods and are also pregnant
Me: not me
Him: i'm going to spread around work that you are pregnant
Me: please don't, I'm not pregnant
Him: *laughs*
Me: I am not pregnant and I have medical condition and so I might never be able to have kids
Him: what never?
Me: possibly
Him: oh, I won't spread that you are pregnant then
Me: please don't

I walk off in near tears. What part of I not pregnant did he not get? He only started work last week. It's upsetting to have to have that conversation with anyone, let alone an ignorant guy I hardly know!

An upsetting conversation with a co-worker

I have been very I'll the last couple of days, my period has been so bad and I have been throwing up due to pain. Here is a conversation I had with a new co-worker:
Him: how's the baby?
Me: I'm not pregnant
Him: yeah yeah whatever
Me: no, I am not pregnant
Him: what about all this morning sickness?
Me: I couldn't be less pregnant if I tried
Him: yeah, how's that then?
Me: I have my period
Him: well you hear about these people who have periods and are also pregnant
Me: not me
Him: i'm going to spread around work that you are pregnant
Me: please don't, I'm not pregnant
Him: *laughs*
Me: I am not pregnant and I have medical condition and so I might never be able to have kids
Him: what never?
Me: possibly
Him: oh, I won't spread that you are pregnant then
Me: please don't

I walk off in near tears. What part of I not pregnant did he not get? He only started work last week. It's upsetting to have to have that conversation with anyone, let alone an ignorant guy I hardly know!

Thinking about going back on the pill

I don't want to go back on the pill, in fact it's the last thing I want to happen but I am not managing with my endo pain and period pain off the pill. I have had to take a sick day today. The pain is so bad I can't get out of bed.

I don't want to give up TTC, I don't want to admit defeat, I don't want endo to win. I really am struggling with the pain at the moment though. I don't think work will be happy with me taking days off every month due to "women's problems". I have waited so long to start back TTC and I am so pissed. DH thinks I should go back on the pill as he hates to see me in this much pain. What if I go back on the pill and this is the month I am may get pregnant? All these what ifs.

Do I keep trying for a baby or wait for IVF? IVF won't be until June most probably and that seems so far away.

I think it is all over *updated*

Af is due any second I think as I am in so much pain. The pain I normally get with my endo and period. I am so disappointed. I have told DH to expect my period but he is in denial. He still thinks this has worked. He is going to be more devastated than me if that's possible.

I am in so much pain. It surely only means one thing, a BFN
*AF sadly appeared this afternoon. What a bitch!*

I forgot how much I hate the 2ww!

I am halfway through the 2ww and I think this is the worst part about TTC other than the BFN that you get at the end of it. I am analysing every little twinge and ache and thinking how today is implantation day. I am torturing myself! I have my hopes high for this cycle, mainly because I think I ovulated from my R ovary, the only side I have a patent tube. How silly am I, getting my hopes up, just for them to be destroyed in a weeks time!!

I know I will take this BFN badly, I know I will cry. I strangely didn't last cycle as I knew there was no hope. I was disappointed when AF arrived, but there was no tears. DH will sadly be away from Wed-Sat next week on business which is when my period is due. In some ways that is good as he will not see me have a mini meltdown when I get my BFN, but he also wont be there to comfort me. Now the big 'what if': What if by some massive miracle AF does not show and I get a BFP (!), should I tell him? He will be so so happy but sad that he can not share the joy with me in person, or shll I wait untill he gets home? I don't know why I just played that scenario out, its not like its going to happen.

Welcome back pessimistic Nic, I was getting worried there for a second!!

The dreaded 2ww!

I ovulated on cycle day 16, hopefully from my my right ovary! I had a lot of pain from my right ovary for 2 days leading up to my ovulation. Also my clear blue fertility monitor showed two days of peak fertility ( am that of course never lies!! lol!). I am so hopeful that this cycle will work. You know the myth, once you are on the waiting list for IVF you miraculously get pregnant and no longer need IVF! Wow that is wishful thinking!

DH and I did a lot of BDing this cycle! We BD on the day before ovulation, the day we ovulated and the day after. Timing wise was perfect. I just hope my egg found it's way through my crap just about patent tube and DH's sperm are treating her well. I really hope there is a match and two becomes one blah blah. I have my hopes so high this cycle. I will be so distraught if this doesn't work. DH will also be upset, he keeps asking if I am pregnant yet!

IVF referral letter, also righty is working!

I recieved the letter from my RE today, he has confirmed I am able to be referred for IVF which is great. He told me so, but is good to see it in writing. There is a choice of three clinics to do the IVF. I am choosing the one which is closest, hopefully it will disrupt work a little less, also DH had his SA there and he said it was very good and very profesional. I know I should research which has the best sucess rates, but the other clinics are at least an hour drive away and I could not do that with work sadly.

Other good news is that I am ovulating today. For the last couple of days I have had a very big pain inmy right ovary which is good. My right tube is the only one which is patent! I may stand a small chance this cycle!!

IVF consult went well!

I was only with the doctor for 15mins but I left very happy. He reviewed my situation and DH's semen analysis and said we go straight to IVF! There is no point with IUI as my tubes are blocked from my endo. He gave me a choice of three clinics which I can pick from. He will send me a letter with the choice, I then send them back, he refers me to the clinic and then I will start IVF approx 3 months after that! The waiting time is a lot shorter than I thought!

He gave me a chick run down of what they do but it was only brief. He said my endo may flare up due to the injections. I will have two injections; one is FSH and the other is to stop me ovulating. They normally do a three day transfer and will only transfer one on my 1st cycle as I'm only 25. They will freeze any embryo's left over. If it does not work I then get a frozen cycle on the nhs, another fresh cycle and then another frozen cycle. I essentially get 4 cycles on the nhs! I really hope that this works!

This means that in June I could be going through IVF! I am so excited!