MRI today

I had my MRI of my brain and spine today. It was hard to stay calm, I am so claustrophibic. They had to wedge my head in place to keep it still and had a metal grill over the top of my face. It took forever and halfway through they took me out, still wedged in, injected me with contrast and then put me back in and then did it all again!

Things are so quiet on my blog at the moment as I am in limbo and finding it hard. I am still reading and trying to keep up, but not have a lot to report my end.

I hope I get answers in a few weeks so that I can find out if I can go through with my FET. I was meant to be having my baseline in a week, but instead I am wondering if I stay on the pill until my diagnosis or if I come off and TTC the old fashioned way.....

wow, its been a while

I think this must be the longest I have gone without posting, other than if I go away. I have stepped back a little from this blog. It has only been temporary, but I needed the break. I needed to stop thinking about IF, about my cancelled FET, about whether I will ever have a baby.....

I am still waiting for an MRI of my brain and spine. I now have a date for the 7th April. Until I have this I am in limbo. I do not know why I am still numb and tingling from the waist down. I do not know if this will be forever, if this will progress, if this will prevent me from carrying a baby. I realise that I need to actually get PG, but not knowing if I can try is a hard thing to take.

Have to cancel FET :(

The good news is I am home!
The not so good news is that they are still not sure what is wrong. I have a B12 deficiency, but they are sure that is not all.
The crap news is I am still waiting for an MRI, but I am so petrified of them as VERY Claustrophobic
The sh*t news is I have to call clinic to cancel my FET and am not sure when I will be able to cycle again, not in the next few months at least :(

I really hope I do not lose my funding. I am struggling as I had just picked myself up, had something to look forward to and now this is happening.....

Sorry but here is the self pity bit. Life is so unfair.... I have enough illnesses to cope with (under active thyroid and grade 4 endometriosis and infertility) I do not need another one!!

In hospital

I went into hospital yesterday lunch time as j have a weird numbness and tingling sensation in my legs which has spread to my waist. I don't feel too unwell in myself, just strange legs!
I have had a few blood test and a lumbar puncture. I am waiting for an MRI. They have not a clue what's wrong with me so keeping me in for observation and tests!!

I am now worried my FET in April/may will be cancelled.... :(

suffering with the old witch

The old witch (AF) is really kicking my ass. I have been feeling so unwell, been in so much pain, I am so sick of it. I have started the pill and things are calming down a little thankfully.

I really hope this FET works, for so many reasons as obviously I want a baby, but also because my endo is so bad and getting worse despite my 3 laps, my 6 months of Zoladex (like lupron) and being on the pill for about 10 years. I can not cope with a horrific week every 4 weeks and then on and off pain the rest of the month.

In one month time I will be having my baseline scan and starting Suprecure injections and prognova tablets!! I am excited and scared. Scared how I will cope if this does not work.....

4th cycle...400th post

Wow, this is my 400th post! This is also day 1 of our 4th cycle, our second FET.

I had plans, plans to get pregnant, plans to be writting happy things by now, about morning sickness, getting fat etc. Instead I am writting about how my period has just come, how I start the pill and begin our last FET on the NHS. This was not part of the plan, this was not how it was supposed to happen.

I feel I am being left behind, friends are getting pregnant, having babies, getting pregnant with number two and here I am with nothing. What do I have to show for these last 3 cycles? I have extra weight, I have hair loss, very bad flaky scalp and I have a little piece of my heart missing.

Plans can change right?!? Here I am now on plan E, or was it F? I lose track! Plan is to do this FET, put two back in and become pregnant and have a family.

It is the hope and the burning desire to be pregant that keeps me going on, keeps me trying. I just hope that I can keep trying longing enough to get my dream.