I went to see the counsellor on Thursday. She was nice, listened and gave great advice. She told me a lot of stuff that I already knew, but hearing it from someone else who was logical and understanding seemed to help get my head straight. I need to have a plan for one step ahead, stop worrying about everying in the future as that is too far away. I need to focus on this upcoming FET and then what the plan is if it does not work. Anything after that is out of my control at the moment. I also need to learn to accept that so much of this is out of my control and down to luck. I find that so hard to accept though!
I also need to be positive about this upcoming FET as being negative will not soften the blow if it dose not work but will make the cycle a little easier to cope with.
At the moment I do not feel I can be positive about this FET as I am worried I will not be allowed to go ahead with it. Once I have my neurologist appointment on Tuesday and the green light for this cycle I feel I can prepare myself mentally and be positive.
PS I can not leave comments at the mo, blogger is not allowing me to! So frustrating as there is so many of you I have wanted to leave comments for. I am thinking of you all though
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
What if it never happens?
I belong to a group on fert friends where all the members are part of my clinic. It is great, we are all very supportive, friendly and even meet up which is nice. There has been a lot of activity on it recently and quite a few BFP's which is brilliant. I am so happy for all of the girls, but I a worried it will never be me. One of my biggest fears is never getting pregnant, never experiencing that, never having a baby of my own, never being able to breastfeed.
I am so convinced that I will never get pregnant, but at the same time not willing to accept it which sounds strange I know!
I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow, she is part of the clinic but it is all confidential. She only deals with couples with IF and going through treatments etc which should be good as she should understand quite well.
I need to get my head straight before this FET. I am struggling at the moment and do not like where my head is at.
What if though I can never have a baby.......
I am so convinced that I will never get pregnant, but at the same time not willing to accept it which sounds strange I know!
I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow, she is part of the clinic but it is all confidential. She only deals with couples with IF and going through treatments etc which should be good as she should understand quite well.
I need to get my head straight before this FET. I am struggling at the moment and do not like where my head is at.
What if though I can never have a baby.......
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Approaching attempt #4
Wow, I never thought it would come to this. Never thought I would actually need all of my four goes on the NHS (2 IVF and 2 FET). I remember being told what our entitlement was and being extremely hopeful and optimistic; how unlucky will we be if we need to get to our fourth go?!? How naive was I! I now realise that four goes are not enough, I may need more, what then?
I have two frosties waiting to be defrosted, waiting to go back in me and I can not wait to get them back in. I am however scared. I am scared of putting them back in, them not sticking and then we have nothing left. Nothing to keep us going, nothing to look forward to. No potential babies left.
I have a couple of hurdles to get over first before we do this FET. I need to have my neurologist appointment, I need to hear good news that my body can cope with a potential pregnancy and that my neurologist will allow me to try. I need the go ahead from her in writing before my clinic will allow me to do the FET. Problem is, she is a bit of a cow, does not understand about my IF and endo etc and has already said to me 'what is the harm in waiting 6 months?'. 6 MONTHS?!? That is a lifetime away. I have already postponed my FET and waited 5 months since my last IVF. I can not wait much longer. My mental state is not good!
I have two frosties waiting to be defrosted, waiting to go back in me and I can not wait to get them back in. I am however scared. I am scared of putting them back in, them not sticking and then we have nothing left. Nothing to keep us going, nothing to look forward to. No potential babies left.
I have a couple of hurdles to get over first before we do this FET. I need to have my neurologist appointment, I need to hear good news that my body can cope with a potential pregnancy and that my neurologist will allow me to try. I need the go ahead from her in writing before my clinic will allow me to do the FET. Problem is, she is a bit of a cow, does not understand about my IF and endo etc and has already said to me 'what is the harm in waiting 6 months?'. 6 MONTHS?!? That is a lifetime away. I have already postponed my FET and waited 5 months since my last IVF. I can not wait much longer. My mental state is not good!
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Happy Mothers day to this who are waiting....
I have copied this from a friends blog and is for all us that are still waiting for our baby
"Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
Mothers day is very hard for so many of us, and I find it very hard, especially as I am exposed to it twice a year! The UK date for Mothers Day is earlier than in USA and as I live in the UK and my Mother lives in the USA. Such a constant reminder of what I am not and what I do not have.
I keep telling myself one day......
"Happy Mother's Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
Mothers day is very hard for so many of us, and I find it very hard, especially as I am exposed to it twice a year! The UK date for Mothers Day is earlier than in USA and as I live in the UK and my Mother lives in the USA. Such a constant reminder of what I am not and what I do not have.
I keep telling myself one day......
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
I have booked dates for my FET (again)!
DH and I have been talking lots and we have decided to go ahead with our FET in June/July. I have been feeling better in myself, back to normal most days. If I do have MS, it does not mean I can not have a child. As long as my neurologist gives me the all clear on 31st May when I see her I shall go ahead with my FET.
I spoke to the clinic and provisionally booked in for baseline scan on 20th June which means transfer will be 1st week in July!! It is not really that far away, we are already in May!
These dates and deciding to tell people have given me new hope, something to look forward to and a reason to get healthy and lose weight. Please let this work!
I spoke to the clinic and provisionally booked in for baseline scan on 20th June which means transfer will be 1st week in July!! It is not really that far away, we are already in May!
These dates and deciding to tell people have given me new hope, something to look forward to and a reason to get healthy and lose weight. Please let this work!
Monday, 2 May 2011
Telling the world?
I am thinking about opening up and telling people about our IF journey, our failed IVF's and everything in between but I am scared.
So far I have told 4 people, two because I knew they would understand and two because the asked me directly about babies and I felt I could no longer lie to them. My family, DH's family and all other friends and work colleagues do not know anything other than I have grade IV endometriosis and babies maybe hard for us.
How do I tell people, how do I bring it up in normal conversation? How do I tell family? 'Oh by the way, we have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET, didn't fancy telling you? I am not sure how it will go down.
I guess firstly I need to look at why we kept it secret. I think 2 main reasons: 1) DH is very private and did not want others knowing our business and talking to us about private matters. 2) We did not want added pressure from friends/family asking if it has worked and telling them 'No' if it hasn't.
I have found it hard keeping it a secret, I like to talk with friends, I like to get support and open up a little to those I trust, I guess why I have told a couple of people. I have also found it hard to lie because people have asked me when in groups if we want children, when we are having a baby, are we TTC and even friends wh vaguely know about end etc have asked if we will try IVF. I have lied to all of these people, r brushed their comments off or changed the subject quickly.
Will these people forgive me? Will they understand? Will they be supportive? Will they get my desire for a baby and understand IF and all that we have been through?
So far I have told 4 people, two because I knew they would understand and two because the asked me directly about babies and I felt I could no longer lie to them. My family, DH's family and all other friends and work colleagues do not know anything other than I have grade IV endometriosis and babies maybe hard for us.
How do I tell people, how do I bring it up in normal conversation? How do I tell family? 'Oh by the way, we have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET, didn't fancy telling you? I am not sure how it will go down.
I guess firstly I need to look at why we kept it secret. I think 2 main reasons: 1) DH is very private and did not want others knowing our business and talking to us about private matters. 2) We did not want added pressure from friends/family asking if it has worked and telling them 'No' if it hasn't.
I have found it hard keeping it a secret, I like to talk with friends, I like to get support and open up a little to those I trust, I guess why I have told a couple of people. I have also found it hard to lie because people have asked me when in groups if we want children, when we are having a baby, are we TTC and even friends wh vaguely know about end etc have asked if we will try IVF. I have lied to all of these people, r brushed their comments off or changed the subject quickly.
Will these people forgive me? Will they understand? Will they be supportive? Will they get my desire for a baby and understand IF and all that we have been through?
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