I have my FET dates!

I went to the clinic today to sign paper work and get my dates for my FET. It was quite stressful and not ideal. I got given my dates and when I said DH was working away at the time of FET and the nurse just shrugged! I did however call later and move my dates as obviously I want DH to be there!

Here are my dates:
-Start Pill 9th March
-Baseline scan 14th April and start Suprecur (lupron) injections
-2nd Scan 21st April
-3rd Scan 27th April and start Progesterone
FET-3rd May!!!
EDD - 18th January 2012!!!!

I just hope that my two little embryo's survive the thaw, stick and I get pregnant and remain pregnant for 9 months!! That is all I ask for, is it too much?!?

I have a nurses consult

I have just spoken to one of the nurses from the clinic, she is one of the nice ones and was very sweet to me. I have an appointment booked in for this Monday at 3pm to sign paperwork and get my dates for FET! I am not ready yet, but I am sure I will be itching to get back on the IVF rollercoaster in April/May. Sadly my DH is away Monday and Tuesday. so having to go to the clinic on my own. I will manage, I always do. I have just grown to hate going to the clinic as I have been there so many times and there are no happy memories.

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, it really does help

I am obviously happy and excited about having funding for a FET, but just not ready to do it yet. I need to get my body sorted and my mind in the right place. I have not called the clinic yet to tell them about the funding. I just have not been able to face them. I spoke to DH yesterday and we have agreed to ring them, get a nurses consult and gets some dates booked in so that we have something to aim for. Not sure if they have any gaps in april/may, hopefully they will as I am sure I will be ready to try again by then. I am worried if I leave it too long to call them, they will be fully booked.

DH and I are really struggling with this BFN. We are feeling so defeated and like it will never happen. I guess everyone feels like this. I have usually picked myself up by now, but just cant seem to this time round.

On a side note, I am on CD15 and still only have one bar on my clear blue monitor and I usually ovulate on CD16/17. Either it does not work, or my body does not work after this IVF. I know after the previous failed IVF I had a longer cycle.

I have funding!!

I got a call back from my PCT and the NHS will fund my last FET!! I am so pleased that we can use our frosties that are waiting for us! The funding will not start until after 1st April, but that's OK. We are still not ready to try a medicated cycle again, yet. We need more time to heal from this BFN.

I now have something to aim for, some reason to try to pick myself up as I have really been struggling.

More to take in.

I thought I was feeling a bit more positive, but I am feeling very down still. I went to my GP today to try to get better painkillers as if we are going to try naturally for a months I need some pain relief for my horrific periods that I have. The GP has prescribed tramadol which is like morphine! I am sure it will help with the pain, but I am worried it will make me sick and dizzy etc! I explained I am vet and have to do surgery and he told me to take it on a Saturday! Great! Has anyone used tramadol?

I also told him I had my utero-sacral ligaments removed at my last laparoscopy and he look horrified. I asked why and he said that if I get pregnant, during and afterwards I am most likely going to get prolapses! WHAT?!? I was told it was fine and they can be removed without a problem! Now I am worried. I realise I have to get pregnant first, but if I do, will it be a problem? Now I am wonderng whats the point. Just take my bloody uterus out and be done with it, piece of shit that it is!

I have called my PCT (primary care trust for nhs)to try to find out if I can get funding for my two frosties, but they have not got back to me yet.

I hate this limbo. I am using my clear blue monitor and I have not had 2 bars yet, I am on day 12 and normally ovulate day 16, but I guess it is a cycle after failed IVF, so usually abnormal.

Trying to get back on track

This weekend DH and I started running again and eating healthy. I am determined to lose half a stone and get my body fitter. I am only a little over weight but I want to tone up and feel happier about myself. This get fit goal is to give me something to focus on. I do not know when I be cycling again. I do not know when our FET will be and whether I will get NHS funding or need to pay.

This month I am using the clear blue ovulation monitor and will see if I ovulate and when. Is pointless as one tube is blocked and the other is questionable.

Whilst I was running with DH this evening, all I could think was that I should not be running, I should be pregnant. This was not how things were meant to be.

The meeting of the IFers

I had a girlie night last night with 4 other IFers from my clinic. We all meet on a forum and have been very supportive of each other. We met last night for a meal and a chat and a rant and it was great! You would of thought we would be all depressed by the end of the night, but we all felt so much happier! So nice to meet people who really get it, understand what goes on during IVF, and understands the stress and dissapointment.

I am doing a bit better than when I posted last time. We have decided we will have a break and do a FET in April/May. This is time for us to try to concentrate on 'us'. For us to TTC the old fashion way and try to enjoy sex. We have kind of forgotten what sex is and how fun it can be!

DH and I are starting back with our running at the weekend and diet starts this weekend. I have been eating quite a bit of chocolate this week to try to cheer myslef up (!!) but I have set myself a goal after this weekend. I am going to get fitter and tone up and try to get rid of a bit of fat. I am not really over weight, but I would like to lose about 7lbs if I can.

How do you pick yourself up?

I am struggling with this BFN. I struggled with my last two, but this one seems to be harder. Each BFN is harder. I manage to pick myself up eventually but never quite as high as what I was before. Each time I fall, I seem to fall lower.

At the moment all I want to do is lay on the bed curled in a ball and cry or just lay there and mourn. I do not want to be near anyone but my DH. I do not want to go outside, I do not want to go to work, I do not want to eat and I seem to have trouble sleeping.

DH and I have been talking about whether I am going to ever get pregnant. Whether we will ever have a child of our own. This has depressed me further. I know we need to be realistic, but I am not ready to give up yet.

There suddenly have been talks about adoption. It is something that we both want to do, but I feel like it will be admitting defeat. If we do adopt, we want to put our whole sole into it, and not still be going through treatment for a biological child. A family is what is very important to us. If we do adopt, it we mean I will never be pregnant, give birth, breast feed, hold my newborn for the first time. This is a hard pill to swallow, and at the moment, not one I am able to.

12dp3dt BFFN *updated*

Think it's all over....
I was certain it would work this time.
Devastated.

**update**
AF has just showed to kick me while I am down.
It is all over now....

Feeling sick

I have been feeling really sick the last few mornings and this morning I did vomit. Why am I vomiting? Surely it can't be morning sickness, I am only 11dp3dt?!?!

9dp3dt and 100 followers!!!

Thank you to everyone who follows me and who has been so supportive. It is such a great feeling to log on and see another great comment, it really lifts your spirits.

I am still being so good and have not POAS! I am enjoying being PUPO and do not want it to end unless it means I am actually PG!

All the symptoms are still here, most prob due to the progesterone, but also I have had a headache which lasted over 24 hours which I could not shift, I am not sleeping and feel a little sick in the mornings. Dam you progesterone and your side effects!!

I am off to see my friends baby in a sec, I can not wait to meet her! I am sure I will get all emotional, but in a good way! My friend deserves this baby and I am so pleased. I am however pleased I am meeting her before I find out my results. Just in case it is a BFN, I would not cope being around any newborn for a while!!

Sunday is my test date and I will be 13dp3dt. I may cave and POAS on Monday, that is 12dp3dt, not that early really?!? I so hope this is it. I want, I need this BFP!