4th cycle...400th post

Wow, this is my 400th post! This is also day 1 of our 4th cycle, our second FET.

I had plans, plans to get pregnant, plans to be writting happy things by now, about morning sickness, getting fat etc. Instead I am writting about how my period has just come, how I start the pill and begin our last FET on the NHS. This was not part of the plan, this was not how it was supposed to happen.

I feel I am being left behind, friends are getting pregnant, having babies, getting pregnant with number two and here I am with nothing. What do I have to show for these last 3 cycles? I have extra weight, I have hair loss, very bad flaky scalp and I have a little piece of my heart missing.

Plans can change right?!? Here I am now on plan E, or was it F? I lose track! Plan is to do this FET, put two back in and become pregnant and have a family.

It is the hope and the burning desire to be pregant that keeps me going on, keeps me trying. I just hope that I can keep trying longing enough to get my dream.

I forgot how much I hate the 2ww!

I am halfway through the 2ww and I think this is the worst part about TTC other than the BFN that you get at the end of it. I am analysing every little twinge and ache and thinking how today is implantation day. I am torturing myself! I have my hopes high for this cycle, mainly because I think I ovulated from my R ovary, the only side I have a patent tube. How silly am I, getting my hopes up, just for them to be destroyed in a weeks time!!

I know I will take this BFN badly, I know I will cry. I strangely didn't last cycle as I knew there was no hope. I was disappointed when AF arrived, but there was no tears. DH will sadly be away from Wed-Sat next week on business which is when my period is due. In some ways that is good as he will not see me have a mini meltdown when I get my BFN, but he also wont be there to comfort me. Now the big 'what if': What if by some massive miracle AF does not show and I get a BFP (!), should I tell him? He will be so so happy but sad that he can not share the joy with me in person, or shll I wait untill he gets home? I don't know why I just played that scenario out, its not like its going to happen.

Welcome back pessimistic Nic, I was getting worried there for a second!!