Things have changed

I have been TTC for over 3 years now. I can not believe it has been this long. I can not believe we are no closer to having a baby, no closer to having a family.

I never thought it would be this hard, or take so long. I knew this was going to be a hard and long journey, but not this hard or long.

With no more goes on the NHS and no money I do not know what we are going to do. I am waiting for my immune testing to come back and then we shall see.

I have changed so much these last three years. I have become less hopeful, I have become less cheery, I have become less sociable, I hate my body even more. I have put on a front for so much of my life, with all of the bullying I had at school and all these years of TTC in secret. Now that the world knows of our failed cycles etc, I feel that I do not have to put on as much of a front. I thought this would be a good thing, but actually it just shows people just how depressed I am. People ask how I am because of this, but they do not really want an answer, they just want to hear 'I am fine' and put on a fake smile. They then feel they have done their bit, been a friend and all is good.

The honest answer of 'not really' seems to cause my friends to pity me and then make them feel uncomfortable as no one really knows what to say or do to. Sadly there is nothing anyone can do or say to make this better (except for giving me their baby!)