Faced with a big bump

A lady bought her cat in to see me this morning and she had the biggest bump ever. I had to carry on treating her cat, talking to her and all I wanted to do was scream and run out of the room or stare at the bump constantly. Of course I remained professional and didn't talk about this bump. All of a sudden the lady announced she had to let go of the cat because she was getting beaten up from the inside. That was nearly enough to tip me over the edge. Once the consultation was over I had a 30 min drive to my next branch. I spent the whole journey in tears. I want that to be me, I want to have a bump, have a baby growing inside me.

It amazes me how badly I am coping. I though I was doing well, thought I was coping but I am not. I have just brushed it all under the rug and trying to ignore and forget. That's how we get through it all though isn't it. By ignoring and carrying on.

Bumps everywhere

Is it me or is nearly everyone pregnant at the moment?!?! (If you are reading and pregnant, sorry, I am happy for you, I just want it to be me as well!!). I have had 4 pregnancy announcements this week. They have been so hard to swallow. I smile and act pleased and surprised but inside I am crying and jealous! I hate the jealousy, I am not a good person when I am jealous, I just cant help it. Before, when I was TTC there was hope that this could be the month and I could join the bump brigade, or there was always next month. Hope kept me going. The fact that I am on a break and I know there is no chance, no hope makes it even harder.

I was having a conversation with a friend who knows my TTC worries (the only friend who knows) and we were chatting about why we want a baby. It is so hard to put into words why it is that I want a baby. I want a little person growing inside me, I want a little me and DH, I want something to love with all my heart, I want to fill the gaping hole which I feel in my heart, I want a baby.....

Babies everywhere

So I went to the gym today, my first day off in ages and I thought I would be good and healthy. Now I regret it, not because I am now knackered but because there was pregnant people and babies everywhere. There was a mother and baby class going on. I just wanted to turn around and leave, but I did my work out, telling myself that one day it would be me, I would be taking my baby to the classes.

I am now home watching House, I love it, watched it loads, I have now started watching season 1 from the beginning again and was enjoying it until I started to watch an episode about a pregnant women who is sick and having to choose between her life and her unborn baby. I am turning into one of those women who can not bear to be around pregnant people or babies, I hate what this struggle of TTC does to us. I don't want to be the women who is green with envy every time I see someone with a bump. I am very happy for them don't get me wrong, but I am always thinking and wishing it was me.

I got news the other day of another person who is pregnant. I had to be smiley and happy etc but inside I was upset and jealous. I of course cant tell anyone as no one but you guys no we are TTC. It is easier that way, less people to disappoint when it doesn't happen. I know that is a pessimist point of view but, 1) I am a pessimist, 2) I couldn't cope with everyones pity when I cant get pregnant, and 3) I would hate everyone asking the whole time how it was going, especially my parent in-laws as they are desperate for another grandchild.

I am envious of those of you who have been able to tell a close friend or your parents etc, but I sadly don't have anyone but my DH. No close friends that would understand and my parents are all the way over in the USA and I don't speak to them from one month to the next. I am pretty much alone. My DH's family are lovely but I am not really up for telling them we are TTC. It is bad enough when they keep hinting at me, if only they knew! Their comments are actually hurtful sometimes, not because they are being nasty, it is just because we are so desperate to have kids but they think we are not wanting kids. It is so far from the truth!

I cried again this morning, if you knew me you would know I am never normally like this! Obvioulsy the hormones and babies and bump everywhere got to me. Why is it when you want something so bad you dont usually get it.