I am thinking about opening up and telling people about our IF journey, our failed IVF's and everything in between but I am scared.
So far I have told 4 people, two because I knew they would understand and two because the asked me directly about babies and I felt I could no longer lie to them. My family, DH's family and all other friends and work colleagues do not know anything other than I have grade IV endometriosis and babies maybe hard for us.
How do I tell people, how do I bring it up in normal conversation? How do I tell family? 'Oh by the way, we have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET, didn't fancy telling you? I am not sure how it will go down.
I guess firstly I need to look at why we kept it secret. I think 2 main reasons: 1) DH is very private and did not want others knowing our business and talking to us about private matters. 2) We did not want added pressure from friends/family asking if it has worked and telling them 'No' if it hasn't.
I have found it hard keeping it a secret, I like to talk with friends, I like to get support and open up a little to those I trust, I guess why I have told a couple of people. I have also found it hard to lie because people have asked me when in groups if we want children, when we are having a baby, are we TTC and even friends wh vaguely know about end etc have asked if we will try IVF. I have lied to all of these people, r brushed their comments off or changed the subject quickly.
Will these people forgive me? Will they understand? Will they be supportive? Will they get my desire for a baby and understand IF and all that we have been through?
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that's got to be the most difficult decision any infertile can make. i think you'll be surprised by just how understanding and supportive the people who love you will be, especially your family. don't worry about them forgiving you, because you didn't do anything wrong! never feel bad about keeping it to yourself, because this is your experience and you should handle it the way you feel is best. i hope that you're able to make a decision that you and your husband will both be comfortable with. good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think you'll be surprised at the support that you'll receive. I know I was. I was pretty open and honest from the beginning and it made things a ton easier for us. Husband is pretty private too, but realized my need for support and for needing a place to vent. He knew that if I was always turning to him, he'd burn out...I needed my friends and family. They won't be mad, they'll be relieved that you're comfortable enough to share this deep and personal struggle. Think about how you'd react...you wouldn't be mad, right?
ReplyDeleteI think I've told you before that I'm pretty open about our struggles, hubby is a private person and I know he'd rather me not say too much about it but he also knows that I needed the shield from the other hurtful questions and pressure to have a child.
ReplyDeleteI am sure they will be pleased that you told them, even if it took a while.
Wow your post is definately something I think about all the time ...everyone is different and deals with things differently but I have chosen not to disclose our first IVF cycle to everyone but like yourself to a handful of people who are close to me..I need my energy to focus on the first cycle and feel I am not ready to deal with other peoples reactions but I hear most people are supportive...I just dont want to get the continual barrage of questions on a cycle and if it does not work have to deal with their emotions as well as mine but no judgement is laid either way..I know when it works I will definately tell people I have used IVF as I do not want other women with IF feel like they cant talk about it
ReplyDeleteGood for you! We kept things quiet for a while, too, but then I just couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of the questions. It was a lot easier when we were open about it and people new my perspective when discussions came up. Hope it goes well telling your friends and family.
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