IVF#3 booked in!

Yesterday I had a consultation with the nurse to be booked in for IVF#3! I will stop my pill on 31st December (what a great start to the new year!) and I have my baseline scan 5th January 2012!!

I have not felt anything since being booked in, not excited, not hopeful, not dreading it, just nothing. I feel each time we do this it seems to get a bit more like a ritual, just going through the motions. When I get nearer to it I am sure I will be excited, but not right now.

I am amazed at how quick we are booked in though, its funny how sudddenly accomodating they can be now that I am paying! No more NHS, but a much quicker, expensive service!

High NK cells

I went to see my RE today and got my blood results. My NK cells are high which I think I am pleased about. It means that it could be the reason for my -ve cycles? It also means that there is a new plan of action. My RE wants me to have intralipids and start on baby Asprin and I will be having the short protocol this time.

I am feeling a lot more positive after this consultationa and we are thinking we will do IVF#3 in January 2012. New year, new treatment, new outcome?

Who knows!

Telling the world?

I am thinking about opening up and telling people about our IF journey, our failed IVF's and everything in between but I am scared.

So far I have told 4 people, two because I knew they would understand and two because the asked me directly about babies and I felt I could no longer lie to them. My family, DH's family and all other friends and work colleagues do not know anything other than I have grade IV endometriosis and babies maybe hard for us.

How do I tell people, how do I bring it up in normal conversation? How do I tell family? 'Oh by the way, we have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET, didn't fancy telling you? I am not sure how it will go down.

I guess firstly I need to look at why we kept it secret. I think 2 main reasons: 1) DH is very private and did not want others knowing our business and talking to us about private matters. 2) We did not want added pressure from friends/family asking if it has worked and telling them 'No' if it hasn't.

I have found it hard keeping it a secret, I like to talk with friends, I like to get support and open up a little to those I trust, I guess why I have told a couple of people. I have also found it hard to lie because people have asked me when in groups if we want children, when we are having a baby, are we TTC and even friends wh vaguely know about end etc have asked if we will try IVF. I have lied to all of these people, r brushed their comments off or changed the subject quickly.

Will these people forgive me? Will they understand? Will they be supportive? Will they get my desire for a baby and understand IF and all that we have been through?

The meeting of the IFers

I had a girlie night last night with 4 other IFers from my clinic. We all meet on a forum and have been very supportive of each other. We met last night for a meal and a chat and a rant and it was great! You would of thought we would be all depressed by the end of the night, but we all felt so much happier! So nice to meet people who really get it, understand what goes on during IVF, and understands the stress and dissapointment.

I am doing a bit better than when I posted last time. We have decided we will have a break and do a FET in April/May. This is time for us to try to concentrate on 'us'. For us to TTC the old fashion way and try to enjoy sex. We have kind of forgotten what sex is and how fun it can be!

DH and I are starting back with our running at the weekend and diet starts this weekend. I have been eating quite a bit of chocolate this week to try to cheer myslef up (!!) but I have set myself a goal after this weekend. I am going to get fitter and tone up and try to get rid of a bit of fat. I am not really over weight, but I would like to lose about 7lbs if I can.

5dp3dt

Just a quick update, only because I have been noticing a few more things. Sorry if it is TMI! My boobs really hurt at the mo! I realise this is most probably due to the progesterone, but ouch!

Other thing is I am being a real bitch. I am a bitch at times, but last night and today I have been grumpy and bitchy! Again most prob progesterone!

One thing that I do not remember last time is increased CM. It is very similar to what you get at time of ovulation. Not sure why I have this. Again no doubt, a side effect of the progesterone!

I have had a lovely week off work, doing not a lot but resting and watching DVD's! I sadly have to go back to work on Monday. I am worried as I have such a strenuous job and around a lot of hazards. Trying to act PUPO is going to be hard as our IVF journey is a secret.

As was kindly pointed out I am on my 1ww now! My official test date is 6th feb which is 13dp3dt which seems ages away!! I do not get a beta as it is not routinely done in the UK which sucks. I have to POAS and call the clinic! I hate having to do that!

An update on the 2ww!

Its boring! I am 4dp3dt and I am not sleeping well and I am feeling sick in the mornings. Now do not worry, I am not reading into this at all. I am on cycologest (progesterone) suppositories and the side effects will be due to this. I am still feeling relatively calm about this 2ww. My DH is the one who wants to test early, and asked me this morning if I am feeling sick because the embryo's have implanted!

On an exciting note, my pregnant friend who had the miscarriage at the beginning of last year gave birth to a little girl yesterday!! She was only 38 weeks and came as a surprise. She weighed 6lb 3oz and is called Daisy!! I am so excited and cant wait to see her and cuddle her! This is one baby that I will not be wanting to run from. My friend knows my journey and has been supportive and I could not be more happy for her as she has had a rough ride as well.

Fertilisation report!

Clinic called and 6 have fertilised! I am happy with that. We don't know if we are going for a 3 or 5 day transfer. Depends how they look on Monday. Fingers and toes crossed all my embies survive the weekend!

Egg collection done!

My egg collection went better than last time. I got given a lot more sedation and it was less painful. I am in a lot of pain now though.

They got 7 eggs. I was hoping for more. Now have a long wait until morning for the fertilisation report.

Happy ICLW!

Thanks for stopping by if you are here from ICLW. I had a couple of months off and I have joined up again. Here is a quick summary about my TTC journey:

- I have been TTC for 2 1/2 years
- I have grade 4 endometriosis and hypothyroidism
- I have had one failed IVF and one failed FET.
- I am currently going through my second IVF. I have my egg collection Friday 21st Jan.
- I desperately want a baby but very afraid it will never happen.

I am feeling very nervous about my egg collection tomorrow. I am scared of the pain due to my endo and I am worried I will get a low yield.

I am off to eat some more chocolate to cheer myself up and then get to bed as have an early start at the clinic as I am the first one on the list.

Egg collection is Friday!

I went in for my second monitoring scan and I have the go ahead for egg collection on Friday! I am excited and nervous. My lining is still nice and thick. A few of my smaller size follies have caught up and I have 3 large ones now. I am a little disappointed still with my response as less than last time, but you all know the cliche, it only takes one!! Lol!

I am terrified about my egg collection as last time I remember and it was so so painful. I know my Dr will give me more sedation, but I am still nervous. I think what makes it worse is that I can not have my DH in there with me, unlike last time.

I trigger tonight and go in Friday morning. Not sure what time yet!
One step closer to getting my positive!

Monitoring scan

My scan went OKish today. I am a little dissapointed. I have one large follie on each ovary (L=20mm and R=18mm), a few medium size on each side (13,14mm) and then a few small ones on each side (7,8mm). Last IVF cycle I was ready for egg collection after a week of stimming. I am not ready. I go back for another scan on wednesday and then most likely egg collection on Friday.

I had more follies last time, I am worried I do not have many this time. I guess last time I had a lot and it ended in a BFN. I have to keep telling myself it is 'quality not quantity' and the fabel of the hair and the tortoise blah blah!!

On a good note, I have a thicker lining this time round (about 12.5mm) and I had a great acupuncture session this afternoon.

I am trying to stay positive. I am using a different stim drug and so no wonder I am responding differently. There is definitely hope with this cycle, I am just being down for some reason.

Positive thoughts!!! I keep having to remind myslef!!

Too much baby talk

I have just been to a 30th birthday party and it seemed like everyone was pregnant, trying to get pregnant or thinking about trying. All everyone talked was baby as they sat there rubbing there bump's. I heard them talking baby as I sat in the bathroom mixing my meds and injecting myself twice. No one knows we are going through IVF and I felt so alone.

On a side note, I am meeting with two fellow IFers from my clinic for tea and cake tomorrow which should be good. More baby talk but we all understand and know the pain.

My meds are going ok. I have had a few belly aches, especially in my right ovary area, but I am taking that to be a good sign.
I have my monitoring scan Monday am and then acupuncture. I really hope my follies are growing!

Stimms going OK

I have had a couple of days worth of stimms now and I am doing well. Hardly any side effects except a few twinges, but is early days. The Menopur is a bit tricky to draw up, but I am doing fine.

Since I have had the news that I have an endometrioma on my ovary I am feeling mixed emotions. Pleased that I did not have a cyst to aspirate, but worried as it seems my endometriosis is progressing. I have not had an endometrioma before, my ovaries have always been fine.

To end on a positive note, I am eating healthy (ish!!), have cut out caffine, alcohol and most sugar! I am eating pineapple as it is meant to help(?!?) and I am having acupuncture. Surely it has to end in a positive? Lets hope so. I want to be pregnant so bad

We are back on track!

Turns out my 'cyst' is an endometrioma or a chocolate cyst on my left ovary. This is great news as does not need to be aspirated and I can start my stims tonight! I am so happy this IVF is going ahead, just a few days delayed.

Plan now is egg collection Friday 21st January and transfer wednesday 26th January. ,

cyst aspiration tomorrow (?)

I am going into the clinic tomorrow to have another scan and possibly have my cyst aspirated. I am nervous about the aspiration. I have decided I am definitely having sedation, I wont manage without.

I just hope this IVF cycle is delayed. I do not want to be cancelled. I will not cope.

Baseline scan - a nightmare

My baseline scan this morning did not go well. My cyst on my Left ovary which had apparently shrunk has now grown again. They do not know what they are going to do. I am not starting stims at mo, I am going back for another scan on tuesday. I cant see it suddenly going in a couple of days! This then leaves us with a dilema, to aspirate or not. If we dont then it will most prob grow when we start stims and absorb all the drugs. If we do aspirate, we run the risk of being cancelled. If we get cancelled then we have no NHS funding.
I am upset, I do not know what to do. They are talking about aspirating without any sedation or anything. Has anyone had this done? It sounds flipping painful to me. I suffered badly at the egg collection last time with diazepam and fentanyl!

My DH will not allow me to go through it without sedation and pain relief. It is my endometriosis that makes this so painful for me.

Has anyone had a cyst aspirated without any meds?

Having a low moment

I know, I know, I am meant to be feeling and being positive, but I am struggling. I am often on the edge of depression and manage to bring myself out of it before I slip too deep, but it is a struggle at the moment.

I am sure it is the drugs and I saw my very PG friend today and she looks amazing with her large bump. I also found out that the girl that anounced her pregnancy to me the other day fell pregnant on her first month of trying. Fan-fucking-tastic!

My period has arrived today so I guess I am at CD1. This is a good thing as I have my baseline on Friday amd can hopefully start my stims after that.

I just want to sit here and cry which is not like me at all. I am not allowing myself to cry, I am not too sure why. I know crying is not a sign of weakness, but I am worried once I start I can not stop. I do not really have anything to cry about, I am only at the beginning of my cycle, it has every chance of working. It is just these dam drugs and the side effects truely kicking in!!

A more positive post?!?

Thanks for the reminder that I am meant to be staying positive!

A week into my suppresion injections and I am doing fine. The side effects have been minimal and there is no brusing so far. Time does still seem to be going slow. I stop the pill tomorrow and will hopefully have my withdrawal bleed and then my base line scan and acupuncture is on Friday 7th January, which seems ages away!

Everyone is writing about new year resolutions, but I only have 1 and that is to get pregant. Well thats a bit of a lie. If I do not get pregnant, then my goal is to lose a bit of weight. These last 6 months of IVF, FET, cyst and eating to make myself happy has meant I have put 7lbs on and I am not happy. I realise it is not loads of weight, and my BMI is still less than 25 (just!), but I need to lose it to make myself feel more comfortable in my skin and my clothes!!

I still can not see past January, all I can think of is this IVF and hope that it is a good outcome. I think I will not allow myself to contemplate what happens if this does not work. It is our last go on the NHS and we do not have enough money to pay for a cycle at the mo.

I shall just keep on keeping on and focus on my goal and hope that I get my BFP!

Screw you 2010!

My last blog of 2010 and I am pleased.
This year has sucked ass! I have had many an illness, one failed IVF and one failed FET. I was so sure that I would have a baby or at least be pregnant this year. Sadly not.

A new year, a new IVF cycle, a new start. I just hope that 2011 brings us all our dreams. Mine being a baby (or two!)

A great way to end this year is by a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls at work. Happy Fucking New Year!

Day 3 of injections

Time seems to be going slow. I have done 3 days of injections now and I am doing OK so far. I have had a few hot flushes, few dizzy spells, minor headaches and few mood swings, but nothing I can not deal with. I am sure the side effects will get worse with time.

I am struggling to stay positive, and hopeful. Things keep getting planned for this coming year, trips, holidays etc and I am struggling to commit. I keep thinking I will be pregnant and so not sure if I can make things. I then realise I may not be pregnant and get depressed. I now can not see passed the end of January. I will not/can not commit. I do not know what I will do if this does not work.

Where are my positive thoughts, positive mental state of mind is meant to help!!