Too much time to think

I have been sitting here thinking, searching on net, reading blogs and looking on Dr Google since my lap. I have too much time on my hands! Poor DH is getting angry with me as I keep going over the same things, same thoughts and worries. I like to talk about things and he likes to bottle it all up. We both deal with things differently.

I have been thinking about not going through these injections for 6 months and jumping back into TTC, possibly assisted, e.g IVF like my doctor suggested. The problem with that, as DH pointed out and a few of you is that, it doesnt sort my endo out. It will still be there, I will still need a lap to remove it at some point. I am better to go through these injections, get rid of my endo and then start back TTC being more healthy and in a better position to conceive. You never know, I may be able to conceive the natural way once my endo has gone?

I know that is the best way, DH has been telling, I have been telling myself but I didn't want to accept it. For some reason I have suddenly accepted it. Doesn't mean I am happy with it, but I know it is right.

Menopause at 25!

Is not fun. I have had dizzy spells, hot flushes and cold sweats. I have also been a little emotional. I don't want to be going through this for 6 months. I will have enough of it once I am older. I cant even enjoy alcohol any more as it gives me terrible hot flushes!! I weaned myself off the pain killers and decided to have a glass of wine to celebrate. I had a terrible hot flush and had to give the wine to DH!!

I am having trouble accepting this treatment. I know I have said it a few times and you guys must be bored of me going over the same stuff all the time, I know I am bored with myself! I do not want to have these injections for 6 months, another surgery after that and then start TTC again. It will mean a break of 8 months. I want to start TTC once I am better from this lap. I want to investigate the IVF possibility once I am better from this lap. I want a baby once I am better from this lap. My mum always said 'what you want and what you get are two different things'. How right was she.

I guess I do not have to have these injections. I do not have to have this 3rd lap in 6 months, I could just start TTC again, but that would be silly. I would be ignoring medical advice, I would be in loads of pain like I was off the pill the last 6 months and I would not get pregnant due to my severe endo. So, why can I not accept that this is the way it has to work. The best way for me to get my eventual baby. Why am I having trouble accepting?

Acceptance

This word got me thinking. Why is it so hard to accept things? Does it mean all hope is lost? Have we failed? I think it is the first step in the grieving and recovery process. Its a bit like a alcoholic admitting that they have a problem. We need to accept things in order to be able to move on and deal with the problem/issue/upset/loss. Accepting is sometimes so hard, it requires a lot of strength.

Thinking of all of the things I have accepted in my life so far has got me in a thoughtful mood: My bullying was not my fault, children are just nasty; I will always be a ill person, I will always struggle to make close friends, I will never have a good relationship with my parents, DH is the only one who will be here for me and TTC is not going to be easy.

I just hope I never have to accept me never being pregnant and never being a mum.