This will be in a few parts as I do not think anyone could cope reading all sbout my endo in one go!
In honour of endo awareness month I am going to talk about how endo has affected (and ruined) my life.
I remember being 15 and leaning against a fence in agony and being sick because of my period pain. I remember telling my mum and she thinking I was exaggerating. I ended up going on the pill at 16 to try to control the pain which helped a little.
At the age of 18 I got rushed to hospital with suspected appendicitis, which turned out not to be the case. My doctor took my history and suspected endo. I had my first laparoscopy a few months later which confirmed I had grade IV/IV endo, some of which was lasered away (sadly this always grows back).
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A few more years of being on the pill, marriage to my long term BF and then we started trying for a baby. Coming off the pill was awful. The period pains were hard to cope with and the amount of bleeding was so bad. We tried for nearly a year, but I had to go back on the pill a couple of times to calm my endo down.
I saw an gynae who recommended another lap. I had the surgery and then woke up to find out they did nothing but examine me inside as my endo was so bad that surgery to remove the deposits was too risky due to potential bleeding. I was put on 6 months of depo zoladex to calm my endo down. This put me in a state of menopause. Let me tell you, menopause at the age of 25 is not fun. I know we will all go through it, but not artificially at that age!!
My 3rd laparoscopy caused me a lot of problems as I had my appendix removed, my broad liagents removed and a mass on my liver biopsied, all due to the damage my endo has caused. One of my tubes was also found to be blocked and the other abnormal.
It was recommended we jump straight to IVF due to my endo and rubbish tubes. We have go e through 3 fresh Ivf cycles and 2 frozen cycles do far. We are about to do our third frozen cycle after I finish down regulating. So far it's been a BFN every time.
I feel endo is preventing me from having my dream of a baby, of a family.
Next posts to come will be more about the daily pain and the emotional aspects of endo
Showing posts with label Endometriosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Endometriosis. Show all posts
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Welcome to ICLW!
Thank you all for stopping by my blog. I am stuck in limbo right now and a struggling. My IF journey has not be smooth or successful so far and things keep putting me backwards. I have grade IV endometriosis and hypothyroidism and B12 deficiency. I have had 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, each time 2 'good' embryos put back in. I was due to have a FET in April this year, which was postponed until June this year and now it has been canceled and not sure when it will be. I am having some weird neurological problem and they are not sure if I have MS or neurosarcoidosis so tests are being run.
Being part of this blogging community is amazing. The support we all give each other definitely keeps us going and keeps us strong. The comments are always a great pick me up so thank you to all.
One day I shall have a happy post, one day I shall have a baby. Until then I shall just keep on keeping on.
Being part of this blogging community is amazing. The support we all give each other definitely keeps us going and keeps us strong. The comments are always a great pick me up so thank you to all.
One day I shall have a happy post, one day I shall have a baby. Until then I shall just keep on keeping on.
Thursday, 28 April 2011
'still young'
There are a few myth busting posts going on at the monent for infertility awareness week and I have been trying to think what to write. There are so many like 'just relax', 'go on holiday', 'just adopt', all of which people have said to me a hundred times. The one that really gets to me and has been said to me by health professinals, as well as friends is: 'You are still young'.
I am 27 and have been TTC for 2 1/2 years. I have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET so far. I am 'still young', but sadly my reproductive organs are not. As a lot of you know, I have grade IV endometriosis which has destroyed my fallopina tubes, I have chocolate cysts on my ovaries and it looks like I will be needing a hysterectomy by mid 30's.
Sadly IF affects us at any age and people should realise how insensitive it is to comment on how young we are. Time is not always on our side.
I have been told at all 3 of my transfers by my RE that I am 'young' and so my chances are high and that there is no reason for it not to work and for me to get pregnant, blah blah. Well look at me, I am still not pregnant, still TTC and 'still young'!
I am 27 and have been TTC for 2 1/2 years. I have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET so far. I am 'still young', but sadly my reproductive organs are not. As a lot of you know, I have grade IV endometriosis which has destroyed my fallopina tubes, I have chocolate cysts on my ovaries and it looks like I will be needing a hysterectomy by mid 30's.
Sadly IF affects us at any age and people should realise how insensitive it is to comment on how young we are. Time is not always on our side.
I have been told at all 3 of my transfers by my RE that I am 'young' and so my chances are high and that there is no reason for it not to work and for me to get pregnant, blah blah. Well look at me, I am still not pregnant, still TTC and 'still young'!
Saturday, 3 April 2010
What a difference a month makes
I am so pleased I went back on the pill last month. I cant believe I just said that! My period this month has been a lot better. Less pain and not as heavy. I am still in shit loads of pain, but I can walk, I can function which is a lot more than I have been able to do previously.
I just hope that I ovulate this month. I am not sure what coming on and off the pill will do to my cycles. I am just pleased that my endo has calmed down a little, for how long though I dont know.
I am starting to get impatient with my IVF. I thought I would have a date for my consultation by now. I have found out that I have only just been put on the NHS waiting list, I thought I was put on it 2 months ago!! Oh well, IVF in June is out of the question. I just hope that I have it by the end of summer, that is my new goal. It keeps being pushed back all the time.
I just hope that I ovulate this month. I am not sure what coming on and off the pill will do to my cycles. I am just pleased that my endo has calmed down a little, for how long though I dont know.
I am starting to get impatient with my IVF. I thought I would have a date for my consultation by now. I have found out that I have only just been put on the NHS waiting list, I thought I was put on it 2 months ago!! Oh well, IVF in June is out of the question. I just hope that I have it by the end of summer, that is my new goal. It keeps being pushed back all the time.
Saturday, 13 March 2010
My endometriosis story
It is endometriosis month and I have been a bad blogger. There is nothing to write about. I am on the pill. I am waiting for IVF. Instead I thought I would write about endometriosis and how it has affected me in all aspects of life, not only fertility.
I have always had painful periods, I used to throw up every month, I would get through so many tampons and pads. In the end I went to the doctors at the age of 16 and asked to go on the pill. This was for two reasons; I had met my DH (i was 16, he was 19 when we started going out) and I had heard that the pill controls periods.
The pill helped for a while, but the pain was still bad each month. One month I was in so much pain I went to my doctor, I got rushed to A&E as had a suspected appendix about to blow. My appendix was fine, but I was booked in for a gynae appointment. I had a laparoscpy in 2004 and was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis. I had the endo lasered and was told I would need a repeat in 2 years. I was a vet school at the time and decided to get through finals. DH and I got married and we talked about starting a family. By then my periods had got so unbearable, I was in so much pain, vomiting a lot of the time and could hardly cope. I came off the pill anyway, we started TTC, but after 6 months the pain was so bad I had my 2nd lap. I went through 6 months of injections to suppress my ovaries and endo and had a 3rd lap in Nov 2009. The lap was a big one, I took a while to recover, but eventually I came off the pill. We tried to get pregnant for 2 months, but the pain has been so terrible, I have had to go back on the pill. I have been approved for IVF on the NHS so we are waiting for a date, will most probably be in the summer.
Endometriosis has ruined my fallopian tubes. They are dilated and blocked. It doesn't look like I will be able to get pregnant. My fertility is screwed up due to endo, but so is a lot of my personal life and my sex life. I missed out a lot of nights out with friends due to being in so much pain, I lost friends as they did not understand the pain I was in, and I missed a lot of time off uni and work due to my pain. My sex life has also suffered. Sex is so painful a lot of the time. There are certain positions I cant do and a lot of the time I have to turn my DH down due to pain. I feel bad when I turn DH down. Thankfully he is so wonderful, so understanding and so supportive.
I just hope I can give him the baby he deserves and the baby I long for.
Endometriosis has ruined my life, ruined my fertility, causes me so much pain and upset. I do not wish it on my worst enemy. The fact it is an incurable disease and I am facing a hysterectomy at the age of 35 no doubt, it depresses the fuck out of me!
I have always had painful periods, I used to throw up every month, I would get through so many tampons and pads. In the end I went to the doctors at the age of 16 and asked to go on the pill. This was for two reasons; I had met my DH (i was 16, he was 19 when we started going out) and I had heard that the pill controls periods.
The pill helped for a while, but the pain was still bad each month. One month I was in so much pain I went to my doctor, I got rushed to A&E as had a suspected appendix about to blow. My appendix was fine, but I was booked in for a gynae appointment. I had a laparoscpy in 2004 and was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis. I had the endo lasered and was told I would need a repeat in 2 years. I was a vet school at the time and decided to get through finals. DH and I got married and we talked about starting a family. By then my periods had got so unbearable, I was in so much pain, vomiting a lot of the time and could hardly cope. I came off the pill anyway, we started TTC, but after 6 months the pain was so bad I had my 2nd lap. I went through 6 months of injections to suppress my ovaries and endo and had a 3rd lap in Nov 2009. The lap was a big one, I took a while to recover, but eventually I came off the pill. We tried to get pregnant for 2 months, but the pain has been so terrible, I have had to go back on the pill. I have been approved for IVF on the NHS so we are waiting for a date, will most probably be in the summer.
Endometriosis has ruined my fallopian tubes. They are dilated and blocked. It doesn't look like I will be able to get pregnant. My fertility is screwed up due to endo, but so is a lot of my personal life and my sex life. I missed out a lot of nights out with friends due to being in so much pain, I lost friends as they did not understand the pain I was in, and I missed a lot of time off uni and work due to my pain. My sex life has also suffered. Sex is so painful a lot of the time. There are certain positions I cant do and a lot of the time I have to turn my DH down due to pain. I feel bad when I turn DH down. Thankfully he is so wonderful, so understanding and so supportive.
I just hope I can give him the baby he deserves and the baby I long for.
Endometriosis has ruined my life, ruined my fertility, causes me so much pain and upset. I do not wish it on my worst enemy. The fact it is an incurable disease and I am facing a hysterectomy at the age of 35 no doubt, it depresses the fuck out of me!
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Endometriosis awareness month!
It is endometriosis month and I thought I would try to spread the word about endo.
Most of the people what I work with know I have endo, most of my family and most of you guys, so how does one spread the word? I am bad as I do not have anything yellow to wear, nothing in my closet is yellow, not even a pair of socks! That is why my blog is yellow!
Endometriosis is a horrible disease to have. It is the cause of most of my pain, most of my misery and most of my surgeries. If I did not have endo, maybe I would have a baby by now? If I did not have endo, maybe I would be happy?
Most of the people what I work with know I have endo, most of my family and most of you guys, so how does one spread the word? I am bad as I do not have anything yellow to wear, nothing in my closet is yellow, not even a pair of socks! That is why my blog is yellow!Endometriosis is a horrible disease to have. It is the cause of most of my pain, most of my misery and most of my surgeries. If I did not have endo, maybe I would have a baby by now? If I did not have endo, maybe I would be happy?
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Too much time to think
I have been sitting here thinking, searching on net, reading blogs and looking on Dr Google since my lap. I have too much time on my hands! Poor DH is getting angry with me as I keep going over the same things, same thoughts and worries. I like to talk about things and he likes to bottle it all up. We both deal with things differently.
I have been thinking about not going through these injections for 6 months and jumping back into TTC, possibly assisted, e.g IVF like my doctor suggested. The problem with that, as DH pointed out and a few of you is that, it doesnt sort my endo out. It will still be there, I will still need a lap to remove it at some point. I am better to go through these injections, get rid of my endo and then start back TTC being more healthy and in a better position to conceive. You never know, I may be able to conceive the natural way once my endo has gone?
I know that is the best way, DH has been telling, I have been telling myself but I didn't want to accept it. For some reason I have suddenly accepted it. Doesn't mean I am happy with it, but I know it is right.
I have been thinking about not going through these injections for 6 months and jumping back into TTC, possibly assisted, e.g IVF like my doctor suggested. The problem with that, as DH pointed out and a few of you is that, it doesnt sort my endo out. It will still be there, I will still need a lap to remove it at some point. I am better to go through these injections, get rid of my endo and then start back TTC being more healthy and in a better position to conceive. You never know, I may be able to conceive the natural way once my endo has gone?
I know that is the best way, DH has been telling, I have been telling myself but I didn't want to accept it. For some reason I have suddenly accepted it. Doesn't mean I am happy with it, but I know it is right.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Menopause at 25!
Is not fun. I have had dizzy spells, hot flushes and cold sweats. I have also been a little emotional. I don't want to be going through this for 6 months. I will have enough of it once I am older. I cant even enjoy alcohol any more as it gives me terrible hot flushes!! I weaned myself off the pain killers and decided to have a glass of wine to celebrate. I had a terrible hot flush and had to give the wine to DH!!
I am having trouble accepting this treatment. I know I have said it a few times and you guys must be bored of me going over the same stuff all the time, I know I am bored with myself! I do not want to have these injections for 6 months, another surgery after that and then start TTC again. It will mean a break of 8 months. I want to start TTC once I am better from this lap. I want to investigate the IVF possibility once I am better from this lap. I want a baby once I am better from this lap. My mum always said 'what you want and what you get are two different things'. How right was she.
I guess I do not have to have these injections. I do not have to have this 3rd lap in 6 months, I could just start TTC again, but that would be silly. I would be ignoring medical advice, I would be in loads of pain like I was off the pill the last 6 months and I would not get pregnant due to my severe endo. So, why can I not accept that this is the way it has to work. The best way for me to get my eventual baby. Why am I having trouble accepting?
I am having trouble accepting this treatment. I know I have said it a few times and you guys must be bored of me going over the same stuff all the time, I know I am bored with myself! I do not want to have these injections for 6 months, another surgery after that and then start TTC again. It will mean a break of 8 months. I want to start TTC once I am better from this lap. I want to investigate the IVF possibility once I am better from this lap. I want a baby once I am better from this lap. My mum always said 'what you want and what you get are two different things'. How right was she.
I guess I do not have to have these injections. I do not have to have this 3rd lap in 6 months, I could just start TTC again, but that would be silly. I would be ignoring medical advice, I would be in loads of pain like I was off the pill the last 6 months and I would not get pregnant due to my severe endo. So, why can I not accept that this is the way it has to work. The best way for me to get my eventual baby. Why am I having trouble accepting?
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Lap results - devastated *updated
I am home after my lap yesterday. I thought I was recovering well but only slept 3 hours last night as in loads of pain. Here is a run down of my lap:
Went in at 8 am and was first on list! Went down at 8.50am and woke up at 10.40 am, back on ward by 11am and half sitting up and eating toast by 12pm, good going I thought. I then had one of the surgeons come around and tell me my endo was extensive, very severe, grade IV, inflamed, all over my uterus, was pulled into retro version, all over my left ovary which was stuck to my body wall. Also my endo was all over my bowels and bladder so here is the best bit...... they left it and closed me up, woke me up and told me they need a team of surgeons to go in in 6 months time to remove the endo. WTF?!? I really thought that was what they were doing today and when I woke up I would be endo free.
That's not the end of it though, my liver apparently has some nodules so I had to have a ultrasound scan and am booked in for a MRI of my liver. Also I have been put on Zoladex injections for 6 months to suppress my ovaries to calm the endo down for my surgery in 6 months, so TTC has been put on hold even longer. I was in tears when the doc told me. Not impressed that I am 25 and will be going through the menopause for 6 months. Anyone been on these injections? What are they like other than painful?!
On the up side, my uterus lining and cervix looked great and my fallopian tubes are open and the dye spilled out of each one, BUT my tubes looked abnormal. The doctor has advised we go straight for IVF after my lap in 6 months.......
Felling shit, upset, disappointed, tired and sore. Need to get my head round this.
**** update:
Apparently the risk of bleeding was too great to remove any endo during my lap.
I live in the UK, therefore I do not have health insurance like in the USA. I will get one round of free IVF and then the subsequent IVF's will have to be paid for.
Went in at 8 am and was first on list! Went down at 8.50am and woke up at 10.40 am, back on ward by 11am and half sitting up and eating toast by 12pm, good going I thought. I then had one of the surgeons come around and tell me my endo was extensive, very severe, grade IV, inflamed, all over my uterus, was pulled into retro version, all over my left ovary which was stuck to my body wall. Also my endo was all over my bowels and bladder so here is the best bit...... they left it and closed me up, woke me up and told me they need a team of surgeons to go in in 6 months time to remove the endo. WTF?!? I really thought that was what they were doing today and when I woke up I would be endo free.
That's not the end of it though, my liver apparently has some nodules so I had to have a ultrasound scan and am booked in for a MRI of my liver. Also I have been put on Zoladex injections for 6 months to suppress my ovaries to calm the endo down for my surgery in 6 months, so TTC has been put on hold even longer. I was in tears when the doc told me. Not impressed that I am 25 and will be going through the menopause for 6 months. Anyone been on these injections? What are they like other than painful?!
On the up side, my uterus lining and cervix looked great and my fallopian tubes are open and the dye spilled out of each one, BUT my tubes looked abnormal. The doctor has advised we go straight for IVF after my lap in 6 months.......
Felling shit, upset, disappointed, tired and sore. Need to get my head round this.
**** update:
Apparently the risk of bleeding was too great to remove any endo during my lap.
I live in the UK, therefore I do not have health insurance like in the USA. I will get one round of free IVF and then the subsequent IVF's will have to be paid for.
Saturday, 23 May 2009
1st year wedding anniversary (and a question)
Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary! Cant believe it was a year ago today I was nervously walking down the aisle, hoping not to fall arse over tit! It was a great day and loved every moment!
Here is a photo of the happy couple a year ago!!
Here is a photo of the happy couple a year ago!!
Question: I have a dilemma; as you all know I have gone back on the pill until I get my lap done as the pain of my endo has been so bad. I am wondering whether I should have a period before my lap on Tues 2nd June (as I was due on during Rome but carried on taking my pill), or do I wait until after my lap? Is it better to have my lap without having a period before hand so everything builds up and my endo is more obvious or does it make no difference? I am reluctant to have a period now as I will be feeling crap all week before my lap. My plan was to have my lap, keep taking my pill until I feel better and then come off my pill, start cycling and start trying for a baby again as I want to take advantage of being potentially more fertile for a few months after my lap. What do you all think?
Thank you all and I promise I will post about Rome soon!!
Friday, 27 February 2009
Endometriosis awareness month in March
Thanks to Christa, I have been reminded it is Endometriosis awareness month in March. I am now on a mission to go shopping and purchase some yellow items for me to wear this month.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 18 when I got rushed into hospital with a suspected appendicitis! I have always suffered from very bad periods and cramps. I remember when I was younger throwing up every cycle due to the pain, and my mum telling me off the whole time (she was so supportive and still is!!!). I was put on the pill at 16 due to my awful periods and in 2004 I had a laser laparoscopy to try to clear my endo. I have since been to multiple doctors and have put off having another lap due to me being at university, and then my graduation and now my work. I have put it off for 3 years now as it knocked me for 6 last time and not sure how I will cope with my second lap. I am however off to the specialist on 18th April if I do not fall pragnant to get me booked in for my lap.
My endo has ruled my life and I do not like it. It causes me so much pain, causes fatigue, gets me down and depressed and it is causing me to battle with TTC. I came off the pill in October after trying multiple times to come off previously but the pain has been too great. I have to say, I am not coping very well off the pill. My pain is terrible, my periods are terrible and I am a very unhappy person. I am however, so desperate for a baby I am willing to try anything now.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 18 when I got rushed into hospital with a suspected appendicitis! I have always suffered from very bad periods and cramps. I remember when I was younger throwing up every cycle due to the pain, and my mum telling me off the whole time (she was so supportive and still is!!!). I was put on the pill at 16 due to my awful periods and in 2004 I had a laser laparoscopy to try to clear my endo. I have since been to multiple doctors and have put off having another lap due to me being at university, and then my graduation and now my work. I have put it off for 3 years now as it knocked me for 6 last time and not sure how I will cope with my second lap. I am however off to the specialist on 18th April if I do not fall pragnant to get me booked in for my lap.
My endo has ruled my life and I do not like it. It causes me so much pain, causes fatigue, gets me down and depressed and it is causing me to battle with TTC. I came off the pill in October after trying multiple times to come off previously but the pain has been too great. I have to say, I am not coping very well off the pill. My pain is terrible, my periods are terrible and I am a very unhappy person. I am however, so desperate for a baby I am willing to try anything now.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Endometriosis and hypothyroidism
I was wondering if any of you out there had endometriosis and hypothyroidism and have had a baby? I am wondering what my chances of successfully TTC are? Both of these diseases cause chronic fatigue and infertility sadly so odds are stacked against me!
I am feeling very hung over today. We went out to celebrate a friends birthday and had alittle too much drink!! I decided it was my last bit of alcool this cycle before all of the baby dancing. I didnt bargain on feeling crap all day! It was a great nigt and havent enjoyed myself that muc in a while. You do however know when you are too drunk when you suggest clubbing on a tues night!!
Other updates: none really!! Working lots, really getting into my running. Have tomorrow (thursday) left at work and then a 3 day weekend. I cant wait for the break. Have had onbe day off in the last 18 days other tan my sick day and I am exhausted! Mentally and physically! I am also enjoying ICLW week and decided that I may give iron commentor a try next cycle? We shall see. It is a great chance to get lots of coments, feel loved and find new blogs!
On a different note, I am using my fertility monitor this cycle as at least I know I ovulate etc. I will be POAS in 2 days time. Cant wait as at the moment fertility is low and am looking forward to it becoming high. Havent had sex since before my period, so that was 9 days ago now. Am really missing it, may have to jump on DH soon, but not tonight, Am so exhausted am off to bed!
Sorry for the tired ramblings!
I am feeling very hung over today. We went out to celebrate a friends birthday and had alittle too much drink!! I decided it was my last bit of alcool this cycle before all of the baby dancing. I didnt bargain on feeling crap all day! It was a great nigt and havent enjoyed myself that muc in a while. You do however know when you are too drunk when you suggest clubbing on a tues night!!
Other updates: none really!! Working lots, really getting into my running. Have tomorrow (thursday) left at work and then a 3 day weekend. I cant wait for the break. Have had onbe day off in the last 18 days other tan my sick day and I am exhausted! Mentally and physically! I am also enjoying ICLW week and decided that I may give iron commentor a try next cycle? We shall see. It is a great chance to get lots of coments, feel loved and find new blogs!
On a different note, I am using my fertility monitor this cycle as at least I know I ovulate etc. I will be POAS in 2 days time. Cant wait as at the moment fertility is low and am looking forward to it becoming high. Havent had sex since before my period, so that was 9 days ago now. Am really missing it, may have to jump on DH soon, but not tonight, Am so exhausted am off to bed!
Sorry for the tired ramblings!
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Lucky number 3
So this is cycle #3 for us. I realise for most of you out there in relation to you I have not been trying long at all, but I have been through a lot of health issues and operations before I could get to this stage of even contemplating TTC so the journey has been a lot longer than just these three cycles. (Sorry I know this sounds like I am being defensive but I didn't want to offend anyone by talking about my struggle if you think I am only on cycle #3 and that's it).
Anyway I have decided it will be lucky for us this cycle (its called positive thinking!!) I am going to change my way of thinking, the way I act and be a little less obsessive as it obviously didn't work last cycle!! My DH said that we will have more sex this cycle, I agree that we need to. I think he found it hard having sex when I was fertile as I only wanted him for his sperm!! It is not common for a man to be this sensitive, that is usually the women's job!!! I think I have managed to get him out of the the 'lets wait and see, if it happens it happens' type mentality and we are both going to go for it this cycle instead of just me!
As far as my period is going, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I feel rubbish, the pain is bad and one minute I don't feel like eating and the next I want to eat 10 large chocolate bars! It really is not helping my diet but times like these I need a little chocolate, maybe not the whole 10 bars though!! My emotions are all over the place and because of this DH is trying to avoid me, but this only makes me angry!! He is doing his best though.
I was thinking yesterday how having a period is such a punishment for us who are TTC. Not only have we just received a BFN either by testing or finding aunt flo has arrived, but we then have to put up with hell for a week. I suffer badly with periods due to my endometriosis and so every BFN I get it is extra hard as I then go through a week of severe pain and feeling extremely unwell. Oh well, the joys of being a woman!
Looking back on my post I realise I am not quite as down as yesterday. That doesnt mean I am over my dissapointment but I am now trying to look to the future and this new cycle. Dweling on the past will not help.
Anyway I have decided it will be lucky for us this cycle (its called positive thinking!!) I am going to change my way of thinking, the way I act and be a little less obsessive as it obviously didn't work last cycle!! My DH said that we will have more sex this cycle, I agree that we need to. I think he found it hard having sex when I was fertile as I only wanted him for his sperm!! It is not common for a man to be this sensitive, that is usually the women's job!!! I think I have managed to get him out of the the 'lets wait and see, if it happens it happens' type mentality and we are both going to go for it this cycle instead of just me!
As far as my period is going, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I feel rubbish, the pain is bad and one minute I don't feel like eating and the next I want to eat 10 large chocolate bars! It really is not helping my diet but times like these I need a little chocolate, maybe not the whole 10 bars though!! My emotions are all over the place and because of this DH is trying to avoid me, but this only makes me angry!! He is doing his best though.
I was thinking yesterday how having a period is such a punishment for us who are TTC. Not only have we just received a BFN either by testing or finding aunt flo has arrived, but we then have to put up with hell for a week. I suffer badly with periods due to my endometriosis and so every BFN I get it is extra hard as I then go through a week of severe pain and feeling extremely unwell. Oh well, the joys of being a woman!
Looking back on my post I realise I am not quite as down as yesterday. That doesnt mean I am over my dissapointment but I am now trying to look to the future and this new cycle. Dweling on the past will not help.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Longer cycle
Looks like it is going to be a long cycle this month, am on day 28 and only 10 DPO so got at least another 4 days to go until either aunt flo or pregnancy test. This cycle seems to be taking forever, I now envy people who have cycles of 21days!!
Work is a little better today, feeling more relaxed. Managed to take dog around the woods for a nice long walk which relaxed me a little.
I was so sure that AF was due Mon/Tues but not till Thurs/Fri which is so far away!!! Lol I must be the most impatient person in the world! I really hope I am pregnant this month for all the obvious reasons but also due to the longer it takes the more likely I am to have a Christmas baby and I don't want that ideally. Also I am meant to go back to the hospital end of February to be booked in for a laser laparoscopy. I don't want that to happen. I don't want another operation, I don't want my endo to win. I want a baby!
Work is a little better today, feeling more relaxed. Managed to take dog around the woods for a nice long walk which relaxed me a little.
I was so sure that AF was due Mon/Tues but not till Thurs/Fri which is so far away!!! Lol I must be the most impatient person in the world! I really hope I am pregnant this month for all the obvious reasons but also due to the longer it takes the more likely I am to have a Christmas baby and I don't want that ideally. Also I am meant to go back to the hospital end of February to be booked in for a laser laparoscopy. I don't want that to happen. I don't want another operation, I don't want my endo to win. I want a baby!
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
what does it mean?
I have had pain and twinges in my belly today, bit like period pains but not quite. I ovulated 6-7 days ago, could it be implantation pain? Guess it could be nothing and I am grasping at straws. I am not due my period for another week so I guess it is always possible? Problem is, my signs are hard to interpret as I have endometriosis so throughout the month I get pains that don't seem to correlate with anything.
Do you find that when you are TTC you start reading into signs more than you normally would. Problem is, I have a painful belly today and feel a little sick with no appetite. I haven't been sick but for me not to fancy eating is a big deal!! I must be unwell if I am not pregnant because I have quite a large appetite!
I hope, I wish I am pregnant.....
Do you find that when you are TTC you start reading into signs more than you normally would. Problem is, I have a painful belly today and feel a little sick with no appetite. I haven't been sick but for me not to fancy eating is a big deal!! I must be unwell if I am not pregnant because I have quite a large appetite!
I hope, I wish I am pregnant.....
Friday, 9 January 2009
2 agonising weeks
Now that I have ovulated it is all over for the month. I have two long weeks to go to find out whether I am pregnant. I had to use all of my fertility monitor sticks this cycle so will need more for next cycle but don't know whether to buy them or not. If I do buy them then it will be a waste of money if I am pregnant, but if I don't buy them then I am assuming/hoping/wishing I am pregnant!! I guess best thing is to wait and see. I don't have to start testing for fertility until at least day 6 so even if I get a BFN I have time to buy some.
Throughout this cycle so far I have not had any egg white CM, it has been quite watery during my fertile days but that is it. I am pleased I bought my fertility monitor as I would def not know when I had ovulated. I had a bleed last month on day 15 which I presumed to be due to ovulation but who knows. This month there was no bleed so I guess I am not going to be exactly the same every month. I sadly cant go on stomach cramps to tell me when I have ovulated as I have stomach cramps all month due to my endometriosis.
I am dreading getting a BFN for all the obvious reasons but also I don't want another period. Since coming off the pill they have been so painful and hard to get through. sadly my DH has been through so many of my periods he seems to be immune to my pain and how unwell I feel. This does not mean he doesn't care, of course he does, he just thinks its normal for me to feel shit for 5 days. It is normal of course, but its hard get him to understand I feel even more shit and don't want to get out of the bed for 3 days.
As you can tell I am not very good at waiting but I get the impression no one is when they are TTC, I guess we all want this so badly.
Throughout this cycle so far I have not had any egg white CM, it has been quite watery during my fertile days but that is it. I am pleased I bought my fertility monitor as I would def not know when I had ovulated. I had a bleed last month on day 15 which I presumed to be due to ovulation but who knows. This month there was no bleed so I guess I am not going to be exactly the same every month. I sadly cant go on stomach cramps to tell me when I have ovulated as I have stomach cramps all month due to my endometriosis.
I am dreading getting a BFN for all the obvious reasons but also I don't want another period. Since coming off the pill they have been so painful and hard to get through. sadly my DH has been through so many of my periods he seems to be immune to my pain and how unwell I feel. This does not mean he doesn't care, of course he does, he just thinks its normal for me to feel shit for 5 days. It is normal of course, but its hard get him to understand I feel even more shit and don't want to get out of the bed for 3 days.
As you can tell I am not very good at waiting but I get the impression no one is when they are TTC, I guess we all want this so badly.
Saturday, 13 December 2008
The beginning
I have Endometriosis and I am 24 years old. My doctor has told me I should start trying for a baby and that is what I am doing. I have been with my Husband for 8 years, we have been married for 7 months and I feel we are definitely ready.
My periods have always been extremely heavy and painful and I am usually quiet unwell, but the pill has managed to control some of the signs and I had a laser laparoscopy 4 years ago. Coming off the pill was hard, my first period was terrible, I was in bed for 2 days, I could hardly move, felt sick and was in so much pain. I told my husband I couldn't cope with this every month and we needed to start trying a.s.a.p. He told me not to be so obsessive and to be relaxed about it all. I understand the more you stress the less likely it is to happen, but I can not cope with the pain.
This month we have had sex 3times so far, but he has seen very reluctant and nervous about the possibility of me becoming pregnant. We had sex 2 days prior to me ovulating and I was hoping the timing was correct and that I could be pregnant. that was just over a week ago and I feel no different, I don't feel pregnant. I know it takes time, but I cant stand the wait so i took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. It was negative which didn't surprise me, I knew it would be but I just needed it to confirm it. I know its early and I have to wait until I have missed my period but that is another 7 days away which seems like a life time.
The problem is, I am obsessing, having a baby is all I think about and dream about. I want a baby so badly and I know because I want it so badly it wont happen, and that's what I am scared about. If it doesn't happen I will need another operation and I don't know if I can cope with that again.
I have bought a fertility monitor for next month but my husband doesn't know as he would tell me off. I am going to do it properly and get the timing right. Also I am not going to let him be so relaxed and hopefully have sex more. Surely a man should have a higher sex drive than this and more sex is what every man dreams of?!
He as the theory that if it happens it happens but I want it right NOW!
My periods have always been extremely heavy and painful and I am usually quiet unwell, but the pill has managed to control some of the signs and I had a laser laparoscopy 4 years ago. Coming off the pill was hard, my first period was terrible, I was in bed for 2 days, I could hardly move, felt sick and was in so much pain. I told my husband I couldn't cope with this every month and we needed to start trying a.s.a.p. He told me not to be so obsessive and to be relaxed about it all. I understand the more you stress the less likely it is to happen, but I can not cope with the pain.
This month we have had sex 3times so far, but he has seen very reluctant and nervous about the possibility of me becoming pregnant. We had sex 2 days prior to me ovulating and I was hoping the timing was correct and that I could be pregnant. that was just over a week ago and I feel no different, I don't feel pregnant. I know it takes time, but I cant stand the wait so i took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. It was negative which didn't surprise me, I knew it would be but I just needed it to confirm it. I know its early and I have to wait until I have missed my period but that is another 7 days away which seems like a life time.
The problem is, I am obsessing, having a baby is all I think about and dream about. I want a baby so badly and I know because I want it so badly it wont happen, and that's what I am scared about. If it doesn't happen I will need another operation and I don't know if I can cope with that again.
I have bought a fertility monitor for next month but my husband doesn't know as he would tell me off. I am going to do it properly and get the timing right. Also I am not going to let him be so relaxed and hopefully have sex more. Surely a man should have a higher sex drive than this and more sex is what every man dreams of?!
He as the theory that if it happens it happens but I want it right NOW!
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