More to take in.

I thought I was feeling a bit more positive, but I am feeling very down still. I went to my GP today to try to get better painkillers as if we are going to try naturally for a months I need some pain relief for my horrific periods that I have. The GP has prescribed tramadol which is like morphine! I am sure it will help with the pain, but I am worried it will make me sick and dizzy etc! I explained I am vet and have to do surgery and he told me to take it on a Saturday! Great! Has anyone used tramadol?

I also told him I had my utero-sacral ligaments removed at my last laparoscopy and he look horrified. I asked why and he said that if I get pregnant, during and afterwards I am most likely going to get prolapses! WHAT?!? I was told it was fine and they can be removed without a problem! Now I am worried. I realise I have to get pregnant first, but if I do, will it be a problem? Now I am wonderng whats the point. Just take my bloody uterus out and be done with it, piece of shit that it is!

I have called my PCT (primary care trust for nhs)to try to find out if I can get funding for my two frosties, but they have not got back to me yet.

I hate this limbo. I am using my clear blue monitor and I have not had 2 bars yet, I am on day 12 and normally ovulate day 16, but I guess it is a cycle after failed IVF, so usually abnormal.

Cant get my head around it

I guess I should be taking my 2 lines in 2009 symbol down from my blog seeing that there is no hope. I have 6 months of shots of Zoladex to suppress my ovaries. Apparently I will not ovulate for 6 months, will not have a period for 6 months and will go through the menopause for 6 months. Oh the excitement, I cant wait! (Note sarcasm!!!) I asked if there was any hope that I could get pregnant with these shots and the answer was 'NO'. Even if I did ovulate and then get pregnant, my body would not be able to support it as I will not have any hormones to support it.

I guess I do not have to have these shots. I could talk to my doc about going straight to IVF, or poss IUI? Problem is my endo is still there, they didn't remove any of it so I will be in so much pain whilst TTC, like the last 6 months. I am better off health wise to do the 6 months of shots, suck it up, stop whining and complaining, have my surgery and then TTC after that. I don't know what route I will take with the TTC after my surgery. Maybe the traditional way for a while and then poss IVF if that doesn't work. I don't know. All I know is that my mind is working over time and I don't know what I want, other than a baby and that doesn't look likely for ages now.

On another note, my DH is having fun in a clinic room at the moment as he is having his first sperm analysis today. I just hope that he has plenty of swimmers and his sperm is not another problem to add to our list. If it is a problem we will deal with it, but it would be nice to have one piece of luck now and again.

How do I get out of this slump? How do I pick myself up? I had such big hopes for this surgery and now everything is put on hold. Its the waiting that is getting to me.

Not taking it well.

I was convinced I wouldn't be booked in for a laparoscopy yet. I thought he would do a HSG first. I understand I am having it all done at once but I don't want another operation if its not needed. In answer to a few of you, the endo will be excised which is good as I had it lasered when I had my first surgery. My DH also has to have his sperm tested which is good. I am pleased the Dr suggested this as we all know its not always the women's fault for not conceiving. DH seems ok about having the SA so thankfully I don't have to keep boosting his ego and convincing him he is still a real man, lol!

I have been down all afternoon. Been very quiet which really isn't me. I am normally the loud, jokey one, but instead I have retreated within myself and stayed there. I guess all of you are wondering why I am so down. Its not like this is the end of the world. It may even help me conceive. I don't even know why I am so down. I think it is the realisation that this is not going to be an easy journey.

I was looking back on my conversation with the Dr and I remembered him saying that the only other option if I don't want surgery is IVF. I remember thinking, 'hang on, that's a bit drastic!' IVF maybe an option for the future but it is just that, in the future. I am unsure why he would say this but he moved onto the next subject so quickly I did not have time to question him.