Baby making sex

Was so excited to see my high fertility status this morn, I nearly told DH but stopped myself. Main reason is he doesn't like to feel under pressure and likes to just go with the flow, unlike myself who has to plan every little detail!!

This evening I asked him if he wanted to go up into the bedroom for some you know what and he asked why, (very unromantic)! I told him because I wanted him etc and again he asked so I told him for baby making sex (this really didn't make it sound or feel sexy anymore!) He then got all funny and a bit grumpy with me so I didn't push it, we had all evening. I cooked him a nice meal and snuggled up. We were then chatting and he threw into the conversation, about me possibly being pregnant in the summer. It made me realise that he does want to try for a baby but wants to go about it in a different way. That's fine ish! Anyway we ended up in the bedroom which was my goal of the evening!!

My only concern about doing it DH's way is that we wont have sex at the right time and then its all completely pointless, other than the normal fun of having sex!! Its hard to explain to him it needs to happen at the right time, not because he is stupid, of course not, he understands, more because it makes him feel under pressure. Sadly there is no other way!!

Sudden realisation

I have only been doing this blog for a couple of months but have blogged about other topics in the past but a few things have surprised me this time round. Firstly it is addictive; I have always been one to write in a diary, not the last few years but a lot when I was younger so blogging feels quite natural. The other addictive part is finding other people's blogs who are also TTC or infertile or on their journey to a baby via IVF etc. I cant get enough of every ones blogs. Although I am only at the beginning of my TTC journey I love reading about everybody else. Main reason I think is because I am planning for the worst, that I wont be able to conceive and will have to go down the IVF route etc and I want to know all about it!! You have guessed it, I am a pessimist!

My main realisation was that people are reading my blog, admittedly only a few at the moment I presume but this feels very weird. Obviously I knew people would, that is one of the points of the blog, I am basically writing my diary on the Internet! I have always known this but all of a sudden it has seemed strange knowing that people are reading about me and possibly getting the same enjoyment out of me as I do them.

This blog has actually been helpful to me, it helps to make me look more relaxed and less obsessive on the outside. It allows me to put my thoughts and feelings down and stops my mind from buzzing so that poor DH does not have to hear everything about a thousand times, only a couple instead!! The only thing is the blog is making me feel guilty. I feel guilty as I am being very secretive with my DH. He doesn't know about this blog but I don't think he would mind too much, I am not exactly giving away who I am etc. I am however keeping secret from him my obsessiveness and my fertility monitor!!! I know you should not have secrets in a marriage and if he asked me any of this I would not lie, I would definitely tell him the truth but for me the end result is so important that I need to do this, need to do it to try to keep a little sanity!!

Great morning!

I woke up to two great things this morning, firstly it has snowed and everywhere looks beautiful. Secondly my fertility is high!!! I am extremely happy because we can start baby making sex!! Also I am relieved as it appears that I am cycling correctly and will be ovulating, I just have a slightly longer than the average cycle but that's ok now that I know.

Sadly I found out it was high after DH had gone to work but I am sure he will be well aware when he gets back from work this evening!!

Relaxing sunday

I have had a great day with DH. Had a nice lie in and didn't actually get out of bed until midday, just spent all morning hugging, talking and watching a bit of TV. Haven't spent a morning in bed like that for a very long time. In the afternoon went to the beach with DH and my dog M. She loves running on the beach and we find it very relaxing. Was nice to walk along the beach hand in hand, wrapped up warm. I realised that I don't remember the last time we have walked along holding hands, don't seem to do it much anymore, most probably because we don't have much us time anymore. Another goal for 2009; spent more quality time with DH.

This evening we made a lovely healthy meal for the two of us and then snuggled up on the sofa to watch a film with the dog as well. We had a rule of no dog on sofa but she is so warm and loves a cuddle that we can resist!! She loves laying on her back and having her belly tickled. The worrying thing is that DH holds his arm under on whilst she is on her back like you would hold a baby! I guess she is our baby until a human one comes a long!!

Still low on my fertility monitor on day 14. I am worrying whether it will ever show high?

Tormenting myself

Was around the in-laws this eve, usually go around every other sat night which is fine I get on well with them. My sister in-law was there tonight with Baby B and he was in a great mood, was quite vocal and interactive with me tonight which was great. Problem is, I cant keep my eyes off him and I dont realise that I am constantly watching him. I am tormenting myself, all I want is to have a baby of my own. I rember when my sister in-law announced she was pregnant, I was extremely happy for her and emotional but I was also extremely jealous. She told everyone her news at her mum's 50th birthday party and I remember thinking and wishing it was me with that great news and I know my DH felt that way aswell. I hope my time will come.

On a different note, my fertility monitor still says low but I feel like I should be getting into my fertile window. My CM is watery, not quite egg white but it doesnt always get like that and I feel more horny. Also I am on day 13 and have a 30 day cycle so not long now, hopefully. We shall see what my morning pee brings!! We had sex this morning anyway, just because I felt like it and it is rare for me to want morning sex, another reason why I think my fertile window should be nearing.

Still low fertility

Peeing on a stick every morning to see my fertility status is getting a little tiresome for two reasons, 1) the machine takes ages and I am finding it hard to hide it from my DH and 2) it keeps saying its low. I know I am on day 12 of my cycle but I just want it to say high so we can try to make babies!!

Im getting a little frustrated with life at the mo and am starting to take it out on my DH. He is very patient with me most of the time and he puts up with me a lot but sometimes he can say insensitive things and it upsets me. One minute I feel like he wants a baby just as much as me and wants to be TTC but other times I feel like he is not bothered. I am not the kind of person who can cope with the attitude of 'lets wait and see'. I like to have things planned and organised and I want things to happen when I tell them too. I know I am going to regret being so anal about things and am asking for a failure but this is all I can think about. Its getting to the point that I wont plan anything for the end of the year just in case..... I know things should be more relaxed about these things.

New years resolution

I stepped on the scales this morn and nearly had a heart attack. I weigh 11 stone!! I got down to 10 stone 3 pounds just before my wedding in May and now I have put it all back on!! to be fair I did give up smoking 2 months ago an have eaten lots of chocolate since but still, I hadn't realised just how much weight I have put on!!

Here are my new years resolutions:
1) Get pregnant
2) Lose weight
3) Buy a house
4) Be a better person

I realise these are all quite big ones, well 1) and 3) anyway but these are my goals, lets hope 2009 does not disappoint!!