Endometriosis awareness month!

It is endometriosis month and I thought I would try to spread the word about endo.
Most of the people what I work with know I have endo, most of my family and most of you guys, so how does one spread the word? I am bad as I do not have anything yellow to wear, nothing in my closet is yellow, not even a pair of socks! That is why my blog is yellow!

Endometriosis is a horrible disease to have. It is the cause of most of my pain, most of my misery and most of my surgeries. If I did not have endo, maybe I would have a baby by now? If I did not have endo, maybe I would be happy?

SITM Winter 2010!

The wonderful Kym at I'm a smart one organised a great Sock it to me exchange.

I received some great socks from PCOSchick, they are long, stripy angora wool socks! Amazing, thank you so much! I have decided that I am not going to wear them until I have my IVF appointment at my fertility clinic. This may not be until the summer, I may be hot in them, but I am hoping they will bring me the luck that I need!!!

The ALI community have supported me so much through this horrible IF journey that I am on. I have had so many wonderful followers and commenter's and supporters that have put up with my ramblings, moaning and stressing. I feel that I could not have got through all that I have without this great support network.

I just hope that these socks bring me the baby that I so dearly want

Deppressed

I am not in a good place at the moment. I have had a shit day, work is crap, people are treating me like shit. The pill is also making me have mood swings and the fact that I am on the pill is getting me down. I feel like I am getting further away from my dream of a baby. I have had so many hurdles to get over and each one sets me back, not moves me forward as I had hoped.

I do not want to be on the pill, I want to be TTC, I want to be pregnant. I hate my body, I hate how it will not allow me to even try for a baby. I just hope that I get on the IVF list soon. I am slipping further and further into a depression.

I admit defeat....

I went back on the pill this morning. I have been thinking about it all week as the pain of my period has been unbearable. That's not the main reason though as I would just keep taking pain killers. The main reason is I am going to USA in a months time to visit my parents, brother, SIL and see my new niece! If this cycle didn't work I would be flying on the day after AF is due and I would not be able to cope with a 9hr flight feeling how I have this week. As soon as I get back from America I will come off the pill and try again. Hopefully IVF will be soon. I hope this month break will help my insides calm down a bit and will allow me to enjoy my trip.

It wasn't an easy pill to swallow though.

Met with a bump

I met a friend from uni today. Hadn't seen her for about 1 1/2 years and it was great to see her and catch up. Only problem was that she is 33 weeks pregnant and has the biggest, most amazing bump ever. She is my friend who decided to start ttc, only to find she was already pregnant! I'm afraid she is one of those, a fertile!

I coped well at the time, but couldn't bring myself to look at the bump properly. I was worried if I looked I would stare and then blurt out how I want one. This evening I have been in tears. I am emotional because of my bfn the other day, because of my very painful period and because I am so bloody jealous.

I am pleased for her, she is so happy and excited. I just wish it was me as well.

On a side note; I have decided to ttc for another cycle before going back on the pill. I hope I can cope with the pain of af, my endo and a bfn again next month.

An upsetting conversation with a co-worker

I have been very I'll the last couple of days, my period has been so bad and I have been throwing up due to pain. Here is a conversation I had with a new co-worker:
Him: how's the baby?
Me: I'm not pregnant
Him: yeah yeah whatever
Me: no, I am not pregnant
Him: what about all this morning sickness?
Me: I couldn't be less pregnant if I tried
Him: yeah, how's that then?
Me: I have my period
Him: well you hear about these people who have periods and are also pregnant
Me: not me
Him: i'm going to spread around work that you are pregnant
Me: please don't, I'm not pregnant
Him: *laughs*
Me: I am not pregnant and I have medical condition and so I might never be able to have kids
Him: what never?
Me: possibly
Him: oh, I won't spread that you are pregnant then
Me: please don't

I walk off in near tears. What part of I not pregnant did he not get? He only started work last week. It's upsetting to have to have that conversation with anyone, let alone an ignorant guy I hardly know!

An upsetting conversation with a co-worker

I have been very I'll the last couple of days, my period has been so bad and I have been throwing up due to pain. Here is a conversation I had with a new co-worker:
Him: how's the baby?
Me: I'm not pregnant
Him: yeah yeah whatever
Me: no, I am not pregnant
Him: what about all this morning sickness?
Me: I couldn't be less pregnant if I tried
Him: yeah, how's that then?
Me: I have my period
Him: well you hear about these people who have periods and are also pregnant
Me: not me
Him: i'm going to spread around work that you are pregnant
Me: please don't, I'm not pregnant
Him: *laughs*
Me: I am not pregnant and I have medical condition and so I might never be able to have kids
Him: what never?
Me: possibly
Him: oh, I won't spread that you are pregnant then
Me: please don't

I walk off in near tears. What part of I not pregnant did he not get? He only started work last week. It's upsetting to have to have that conversation with anyone, let alone an ignorant guy I hardly know!