Any chance you could be pregnant?

I hate it when you are about to have an x-ray at the dentist and then and the pregnant question comes up. For most I am sure it is just another question with hardly any meaning, for us IF's it is a stab in the heart. 'No' I respond in a light and breezy way, trying to show that the question did not hurt me, why would it hurt me.....?!?

So its been a week on the pill and all is well. I am actually feeling a bit better on the pill as the last couple of months I have been off the pill but bleeding on and off every few days throughout the cycles. No bleeding so far though.

Couple more weeks and the off to Spain and then on the crazy train! Time seems to be going slow at the moment, doesn't it always when you have thinks you are looking forward to!!

I have started the pill!

Rarely have I ever been so excited to start the pill! What this means is that I am starting the process for my FET #2. I am on the pill for a month, then a bleed, then my baseline on 20th September! I am so pleased that soon I will be back on the crazy train! Is it mad that I prefer to be on drugs and cycling that doing nothing! I guess it is the hope that I miss!

Not long now!

Not where I thought I would be

I have written 350 posts! I am not where I thought I would be. I thought/hoped I would be pregnant by now. Instead I am on the pill. It seems so backwards! I am on the pill to try to shrink my cyst and get ready for my next IVF in January. Half of me feels like this break is a good thing but the other half feels like we should be actively TTC and try without medical help. I realise that the chance of TTC naturally are so slim so whats the point!

As far as my cyst goes, it has been playing up I think. I had a few twinges and some pain at the beginning of the week. Since then I have had three bleeds despite being on the pill. TMI alert!! It is not fresh blood, just old brown watery type bleed. Very strange and annoying. I am sure it must be the cyst. I can only hope it is a good sign and it is shrinking?

I have a telephone consult on Monday with my Dr to discuss my sedation protocol for egg colection, side effects of the drugs, and a WTF chat. I am still losing my hair. It is so upsetting.

On a good not I am eating a bit healthier and went to the gym today. I am determined to get my body back in shape before next IVF.

What a difference a month makes

I am so pleased I went back on the pill last month. I cant believe I just said that! My period this month has been a lot better. Less pain and not as heavy. I am still in shit loads of pain, but I can walk, I can function which is a lot more than I have been able to do previously.
I just hope that I ovulate this month. I am not sure what coming on and off the pill will do to my cycles. I am just pleased that my endo has calmed down a little, for how long though I dont know.

I am starting to get impatient with my IVF. I thought I would have a date for my consultation by now. I have found out that I have only just been put on the NHS waiting list, I thought I was put on it 2 months ago!! Oh well, IVF in June is out of the question. I just hope that I have it by the end of summer, that is my new goal. It keeps being pushed back all the time.

I admit defeat....

I went back on the pill this morning. I have been thinking about it all week as the pain of my period has been unbearable. That's not the main reason though as I would just keep taking pain killers. The main reason is I am going to USA in a months time to visit my parents, brother, SIL and see my new niece! If this cycle didn't work I would be flying on the day after AF is due and I would not be able to cope with a 9hr flight feeling how I have this week. As soon as I get back from America I will come off the pill and try again. Hopefully IVF will be soon. I hope this month break will help my insides calm down a bit and will allow me to enjoy my trip.

It wasn't an easy pill to swallow though.

Thinking about going back on the pill

I don't want to go back on the pill, in fact it's the last thing I want to happen but I am not managing with my endo pain and period pain off the pill. I have had to take a sick day today. The pain is so bad I can't get out of bed.

I don't want to give up TTC, I don't want to admit defeat, I don't want endo to win. I really am struggling with the pain at the moment though. I don't think work will be happy with me taking days off every month due to "women's problems". I have waited so long to start back TTC and I am so pissed. DH thinks I should go back on the pill as he hates to see me in this much pain. What if I go back on the pill and this is the month I am may get pregnant? All these what ifs.

Do I keep trying for a baby or wait for IVF? IVF won't be until June most probably and that seems so far away.

1st year wedding anniversary (and a question)

Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary! Cant believe it was a year ago today I was nervously walking down the aisle, hoping not to fall arse over tit! It was a great day and loved every moment!

Here is a photo of the happy couple a year ago!!

Question: I have a dilemma; as you all know I have gone back on the pill until I get my lap done as the pain of my endo has been so bad. I am wondering whether I should have a period before my lap on Tues 2nd June (as I was due on during Rome but carried on taking my pill), or do I wait until after my lap? Is it better to have my lap without having a period before hand so everything builds up and my endo is more obvious or does it make no difference? I am reluctant to have a period now as I will be feeling crap all week before my lap. My plan was to have my lap, keep taking my pill until I feel better and then come off my pill, start cycling and start trying for a baby again as I want to take advantage of being potentially more fertile for a few months after my lap. What do you all think?

Thank you all and I promise I will post about Rome soon!!

wow, I have been down

Looking over my last posts and I am sorry. They have been depressive, pointless and boring!! I hate how I have been since going back on the pill.

Thank you all for the birthday messages. I had a rubbish day, got called into work at 6.15am for a cat emergency which I spent all day with, didn't leave its side and he sadly dies at 4pm despite my best efforts. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that we didn't do anything to celebrate except watch the film 'Yes man' and have a glass of wine!

I most probably wont be writing much for a while but I will still be reading and commenting. Not only are my posts bringing me down they are most probably bringing you down and boring the shit out of you! Sorry!

On a good not I am off to Rome on Monday and am so excited!!!

Auntie Nic

My SIL had her US today, turns out she is 13 weeks and due 20th November. They think its a girl but a little early to say for definite!! I am very excited as have a nephew so a niece will be great! The frustrating part of all of this, (apart from me being a little jealous!!) is just how fertile my SIL is and the fact she doesn't even know when she conceived or what her due date was until her scan today! She is the type of fertile person I hate!!

I haven't got an update on myself. Actually I don't quite feel myself. I had never noticed when I was on the pill before that you are never quite yourself, slightly less energy, slightly less bubbly, slightly less smiley, slightly less every but significantly less pain which is always a good thing.

Lost my drive

Been on the pill for a week now. I am feeling a little better as far as pain in my abdomen goes. I have however lost some of my sex drive. Not completely, but I am a lot less horny now compared to what I was off the pill. Is this normal?

Not much else to report as not TTC. Feeling lost actually. The last 6 months I have analysed my cycles, every twinge and ache and now I am on the pill I am not analysing anything. I don't know what to do with myself!!

I am disappointed with myself with ICLW, I did rubbish. I didn't read and comment anywhere near as much as I would have liked to. Work has been very busy and in process of buying a house so ICLW got a little neglected this month which was a shame, sorry!

Endometriosis awareness month in March

Thanks to Christa, I have been reminded it is Endometriosis awareness month in March. I am now on a mission to go shopping and purchase some yellow items for me to wear this month.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 18 when I got rushed into hospital with a suspected appendicitis! I have always suffered from very bad periods and cramps. I remember when I was younger throwing up every cycle due to the pain, and my mum telling me off the whole time (she was so supportive and still is!!!). I was put on the pill at 16 due to my awful periods and in 2004 I had a laser laparoscopy to try to clear my endo. I have since been to multiple doctors and have put off having another lap due to me being at university, and then my graduation and now my work. I have put it off for 3 years now as it knocked me for 6 last time and not sure how I will cope with my second lap. I am however off to the specialist on 18th April if I do not fall pragnant to get me booked in for my lap.

My endo has ruled my life and I do not like it. It causes me so much pain, causes fatigue, gets me down and depressed and it is causing me to battle with TTC. I came off the pill in October after trying multiple times to come off previously but the pain has been too great. I have to say, I am not coping very well off the pill. My pain is terrible, my periods are terrible and I am a very unhappy person. I am however, so desperate for a baby I am willing to try anything now.