This is my 200th post! Wow, I write a load of crap!! I thought that I would write a great, thought provoking post that would sum up my journey so far, of where I am and where I had hoped to be. Well here goes......
A year ago I visited my surgeon regarding my endometriosis and trying to get it sorted so that I could get pregnant. A year ago my DH and I was extremely serious about having a baby. A year ago I gave up smoking. I then proceeded to get depressed about not getting pregnant each cycle and then I put on weight. I had my 2nd laparoscopy in June and found out my endometriosis was too extensive and risky and so have had 6 months of ovary suppression and been on a break from TTC. I am now having my 3rd lap on 24th November to clear me out and assess my chances of conceiving. I have also lost a fair amount of weight.
When I started this journey (and sadly I am no where near the end, still at the beginning really) I thought that I would be pregnant by now. Not massively about to pop pregnant, just a little bit pregnant. I thought I would have my lap in June and that would make me more fertile and then by now I would just be peeing on a stick and getting a BFP. I was sadly deluded. I was way too optimistic and not realistic. Instead I have another lap to get through and recover from, I have another few months untill my body will start cycling, another few months untill I can start TTC again. Instead, I am grumpy, depressed, having hot flushes and am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
I cant wait untill the new year. I used to have a flashing icon of 2 lines in 2009 which was swiftly removed after my lap in June. I am now looking to start TTC in the new year and getting my BFP in 2010. DH and I are having serious talks about IVF and wanting to get put on the NHS waiting list so we can start an IVF cycle. I think that there is no point going through a year of try to conceive naturally if my surgeon thinks it wont happen. What is the point of trying for another year if it wont happen. I am an impatient person. I have been wanting a baby for over four years now. (I know some of you guys out there have been waiting longer, I hope it happens soon!)
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could cope off the pill and start TTC. To have 6 months of suppression and another lap just feels like time has stood still and I have been going backwards, this whole year has been a waste of time. I would never wish a break on anyone. Although a break is a good time to get your body and mind in shape it is still tough, boring and frustrating.
This year has been an amazing year for some of you and I am so happy whenever I see an IF get a BFP, it gives me hope that one day it will be me. I just hope that day comes soon...... bring on 2010 and my BFP!!
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I'm so sorry you aren't where you want to be. I could've written this about 2.5 years ago. 3 laps and ovary suppression like yours later and I have a sweet little girl. Our endo sounds almost exactly the same. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!! You will have a child and you will be happy and you will look back on all of this as a distant memory. It's all worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I gained so much weight on Lupron, kudos to you for losing!
Congratulations on your 200th post! I just celebrated a year's anniversary since starting my TCM treatments and also wrote a post reflecting on that journey. I've been naively optimistic too,and it's been a tough ride, even though I'm getting help for IF and endo, practically everyday of the past year. I don't feel that your last 6 months of suppression has been futile. I feel that every step you take will get you closer to your goals, even if it simply means helping you make a clear decision on your next move. I hope your lap goes well, and 2010 will be a great BFP for you!
ReplyDeleteSorry this yr has been so hard. I remember everything that you talked about in this post about this past yr. And YES your journey so far has been VERY HARD!!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that I care. And think of you often.
Come on BFP in 2010!!!
I'm so sorry that you have all of these reminders that you are not where you want to be in your journey. Endo is so difficult, and to have to endure 3 LAP's is just not right and not fair.
ReplyDeletePlus, ovary suppression sucks.
I, too was naively optimistic when I started on this journey. Now it feels like all of the hope has been sucked out of my life.
Just wanted to give you *hugs* from a fello Endo-sister.
ICLW
Three laps? That is horrible! One is bad enough. You must have some pretty extensive endo. I can empathyze. I had endo all over, including on my bladder (I am still feeling the effects of the endo removal there), so my lap was pretty crazy too. I can't even imagine having to do it three times just to be able to try for your first baby. I hope and pray that your third one is the magic key and that you get your BFP in 2010!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to let you know i have a post up about the Book Challenge and I didn't have your email to send you the link, so here it is - book challenge post
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your 200th post! I too feel like this year has been a waste. Here's to 2010 being a year chock full of bfps for all of us!
ReplyDeleteICLW
Congrats on the 200th post!
ReplyDeleteI pray that your break time will go swiftly and you can get on with your TTC dreams. Hopefully you'll have a baby to show for your trials very soon!
Happy ICLW!
congrats on your 200th post.
ReplyDeleteI think you're an absolute trooper this year, you've really knuckled down and worked hard towards making sure your body is in the very best shape it can possibly be so that as soon as your baby is within your grasp, you can reach for it.
I know the ovary supression was terrible for you but I am so pleased that you are almost at the end and finally working towards your goal, I really hope it comes quickly for you.
20 more days! FINALLY here! Glad to hear you so positive! XOs
ReplyDeleteI clicked on your blog through another. I must say you have a Great name!! LOL Good Luck with trying for a baby. They are truely a blessing..
ReplyDelete