Doing a long haul flight with an 83 year old Nan is not fun. Im sure it was worse than traveling with a small child. I had to do everything for her, remind her when to go to the toilet, when to take her pills. We had to make all her drinks for her, all her food for the whole week. I know she is old, but she lives on her own, she is self sufficient, she can look after herself!
Seeing my parents was better than expected. They treated me better and spoke to me better than I thought they would. I don't get on with my parents well and so was not looking forward to the trip. I was pleasantly surprised!
I adore Madison, my little 4 month old niece, she looks like me when I was her age. I could not stop staring at her, wanting to touch her, wanting to hold her and feed her. I wished she was mine, I was jealous. How bad is that! I am jealous of my brother and SIL! That said, I am very happy for them, they are great parents and I know Madison will be bought up so well.
On a side note, I started my period today. I have been on the pill for the last 4 weeks in the hope that it will calm my endo a little. I came off it to have a period, and to see if it has helped. I think it has helped a little. I am in slightly less pain than normal. I haven't been sick yet, which is always a good sign. Thankfully I am not back at work until Saturday, so hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I am not going to go back on the pill this month, we will TTC this month. I am excited to be back on the TTC wagon, I missed it last month!
Thursday, 1 April 2010
Monday, 29 March 2010
I met my niece!
I am back from my trip to the USA! I am exhausted, been up for 36 hours so this will be a short post.
I got to meet Madison, my niece! She is 4 months old and she is ADORABLE! She looks like me at that age. She is very smiley, has beautiful large eyes and is a good baby. I loved spending time with her and my SIL and bro. I was so sad to say goodbye. I enjoyed meeting her, however I know that at 4months old she will not remember me! I may not get to meet her again until she is 5 years oldish which is hard to get my head around.
It was hard to be around a baby 24hours a day and it not be mine. I wanted her to be mine, I had this ache in my heart every time I held her or looked at her. I managed to get over this though, I told myself, she is my niece, I will always be part of her life one way or another. I am so happy for my SIL and bro, but there was a slight jealousy. I did learn a lot from being around them, picked up a few pointers for when I have my baby. It will happen, I will have my baby, when I don't know though! (The power of positive thinking eh!)
I will write more later about rest of my trip later. I am off to bed now
I got to meet Madison, my niece! She is 4 months old and she is ADORABLE! She looks like me at that age. She is very smiley, has beautiful large eyes and is a good baby. I loved spending time with her and my SIL and bro. I was so sad to say goodbye. I enjoyed meeting her, however I know that at 4months old she will not remember me! I may not get to meet her again until she is 5 years oldish which is hard to get my head around.
It was hard to be around a baby 24hours a day and it not be mine. I wanted her to be mine, I had this ache in my heart every time I held her or looked at her. I managed to get over this though, I told myself, she is my niece, I will always be part of her life one way or another. I am so happy for my SIL and bro, but there was a slight jealousy. I did learn a lot from being around them, picked up a few pointers for when I have my baby. It will happen, I will have my baby, when I don't know though! (The power of positive thinking eh!)
I will write more later about rest of my trip later. I am off to bed now
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Off to the USA!
I will be MIA for about 10 days as I am off to Georgia USA to visit my parents and to see my brother, SIL and my little niece! I cant wait!
I have been having such a shitty time at work, had a meeting with my boss today, it went OK but he had a go at me about something which was not my fault. I really need a break, to get away from it all. When I get back I will decided whether I stay in this job and remain unhappy or move on.
I hope everyone remains well. I will check in on everyone if I can get onto the Internet.
Take care all
I hope a happier Nic comes back, I am at the lowest of the low at the moment.....
I have been having such a shitty time at work, had a meeting with my boss today, it went OK but he had a go at me about something which was not my fault. I really need a break, to get away from it all. When I get back I will decided whether I stay in this job and remain unhappy or move on.
I hope everyone remains well. I will check in on everyone if I can get onto the Internet.
Take care all
I hope a happier Nic comes back, I am at the lowest of the low at the moment.....
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
so unhappy at work
Work is busy and stressful, I am a vet, that is to be expected. What is not expected is everyone at work talking to me and treating me like a piece of shit. One particular nurse has always been spiteful to me. She is sly as externally she seems very nice, but it is the snide comments and they way she talks to you. I had a big falling out with her this morning. She made me so upset and angry, I was nearly in tears. I rarely cry. I hate her for making me feel weak.
I am currently writing my CV and searching for jobs. I am concerned, I do not want to be starting a brand new job and be going through IVF. I spoke to the IVF clinic today. I will most prob have an appointment June and be going through a cycle in July. I have to give 2 months notice when handing in my resignation. It will all be going on when I will be doing IVF.
What is better?
1) being unhappy at work, stressed, miserable and going through IVF, if pregnant get maternity pay.
2) being stressed in a new job, potentially being happier and if get pregnant NOT getting maternity pay
I just don't know, I am so depressed. I haven't eaten all day, that is not like me!!
I am currently writing my CV and searching for jobs. I am concerned, I do not want to be starting a brand new job and be going through IVF. I spoke to the IVF clinic today. I will most prob have an appointment June and be going through a cycle in July. I have to give 2 months notice when handing in my resignation. It will all be going on when I will be doing IVF.
What is better?
1) being unhappy at work, stressed, miserable and going through IVF, if pregnant get maternity pay.
2) being stressed in a new job, potentially being happier and if get pregnant NOT getting maternity pay
I just don't know, I am so depressed. I haven't eaten all day, that is not like me!!
Saturday, 13 March 2010
My endometriosis story
It is endometriosis month and I have been a bad blogger. There is nothing to write about. I am on the pill. I am waiting for IVF. Instead I thought I would write about endometriosis and how it has affected me in all aspects of life, not only fertility.
I have always had painful periods, I used to throw up every month, I would get through so many tampons and pads. In the end I went to the doctors at the age of 16 and asked to go on the pill. This was for two reasons; I had met my DH (i was 16, he was 19 when we started going out) and I had heard that the pill controls periods.
The pill helped for a while, but the pain was still bad each month. One month I was in so much pain I went to my doctor, I got rushed to A&E as had a suspected appendix about to blow. My appendix was fine, but I was booked in for a gynae appointment. I had a laparoscpy in 2004 and was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis. I had the endo lasered and was told I would need a repeat in 2 years. I was a vet school at the time and decided to get through finals. DH and I got married and we talked about starting a family. By then my periods had got so unbearable, I was in so much pain, vomiting a lot of the time and could hardly cope. I came off the pill anyway, we started TTC, but after 6 months the pain was so bad I had my 2nd lap. I went through 6 months of injections to suppress my ovaries and endo and had a 3rd lap in Nov 2009. The lap was a big one, I took a while to recover, but eventually I came off the pill. We tried to get pregnant for 2 months, but the pain has been so terrible, I have had to go back on the pill. I have been approved for IVF on the NHS so we are waiting for a date, will most probably be in the summer.
Endometriosis has ruined my fallopian tubes. They are dilated and blocked. It doesn't look like I will be able to get pregnant. My fertility is screwed up due to endo, but so is a lot of my personal life and my sex life. I missed out a lot of nights out with friends due to being in so much pain, I lost friends as they did not understand the pain I was in, and I missed a lot of time off uni and work due to my pain. My sex life has also suffered. Sex is so painful a lot of the time. There are certain positions I cant do and a lot of the time I have to turn my DH down due to pain. I feel bad when I turn DH down. Thankfully he is so wonderful, so understanding and so supportive.
I just hope I can give him the baby he deserves and the baby I long for.
Endometriosis has ruined my life, ruined my fertility, causes me so much pain and upset. I do not wish it on my worst enemy. The fact it is an incurable disease and I am facing a hysterectomy at the age of 35 no doubt, it depresses the fuck out of me!
I have always had painful periods, I used to throw up every month, I would get through so many tampons and pads. In the end I went to the doctors at the age of 16 and asked to go on the pill. This was for two reasons; I had met my DH (i was 16, he was 19 when we started going out) and I had heard that the pill controls periods.
The pill helped for a while, but the pain was still bad each month. One month I was in so much pain I went to my doctor, I got rushed to A&E as had a suspected appendix about to blow. My appendix was fine, but I was booked in for a gynae appointment. I had a laparoscpy in 2004 and was diagnosed with stage IV endometriosis. I had the endo lasered and was told I would need a repeat in 2 years. I was a vet school at the time and decided to get through finals. DH and I got married and we talked about starting a family. By then my periods had got so unbearable, I was in so much pain, vomiting a lot of the time and could hardly cope. I came off the pill anyway, we started TTC, but after 6 months the pain was so bad I had my 2nd lap. I went through 6 months of injections to suppress my ovaries and endo and had a 3rd lap in Nov 2009. The lap was a big one, I took a while to recover, but eventually I came off the pill. We tried to get pregnant for 2 months, but the pain has been so terrible, I have had to go back on the pill. I have been approved for IVF on the NHS so we are waiting for a date, will most probably be in the summer.
Endometriosis has ruined my fallopian tubes. They are dilated and blocked. It doesn't look like I will be able to get pregnant. My fertility is screwed up due to endo, but so is a lot of my personal life and my sex life. I missed out a lot of nights out with friends due to being in so much pain, I lost friends as they did not understand the pain I was in, and I missed a lot of time off uni and work due to my pain. My sex life has also suffered. Sex is so painful a lot of the time. There are certain positions I cant do and a lot of the time I have to turn my DH down due to pain. I feel bad when I turn DH down. Thankfully he is so wonderful, so understanding and so supportive.
I just hope I can give him the baby he deserves and the baby I long for.
Endometriosis has ruined my life, ruined my fertility, causes me so much pain and upset. I do not wish it on my worst enemy. The fact it is an incurable disease and I am facing a hysterectomy at the age of 35 no doubt, it depresses the fuck out of me!
Friday, 5 March 2010
Hello limbo...
.... how I know you so well. I wish I wasn't in limbo, I wish I was TTC. I hate being on the pill. It dampens me down, stops me from being the real Nic.
I am trying to enjoy not TTC. I am eating pate, drinking wine and eating lots of sushi and prawns! It is helping a little bit, but not enough!
Work has been terrible, have had trouble with a few people not treating me well at work. I want to leave my job but cant as I maybe going through IVF in a few months. I couldn't start a new job and then go through IVF. I am so down, so depressed. Thankfully I have this weekend off with DH. I haven't been able to spend time with him for ages. I cant wait!
I need a distraction. I need to forget about TTC for a few weeks, I need to forget about future IVF. Everyday I walk through the front door and see the post on the floor, my heart skips a beat. I keep expecting a letter form the clinic. All I want is a date for my IVF. Even if it isn't until June, at least I have a date, something to look forward to.
Right now I am in limbo.....
I am trying to enjoy not TTC. I am eating pate, drinking wine and eating lots of sushi and prawns! It is helping a little bit, but not enough!
Work has been terrible, have had trouble with a few people not treating me well at work. I want to leave my job but cant as I maybe going through IVF in a few months. I couldn't start a new job and then go through IVF. I am so down, so depressed. Thankfully I have this weekend off with DH. I haven't been able to spend time with him for ages. I cant wait!
I need a distraction. I need to forget about TTC for a few weeks, I need to forget about future IVF. Everyday I walk through the front door and see the post on the floor, my heart skips a beat. I keep expecting a letter form the clinic. All I want is a date for my IVF. Even if it isn't until June, at least I have a date, something to look forward to.
Right now I am in limbo.....
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Endometriosis awareness month!
It is endometriosis month and I thought I would try to spread the word about endo.
Most of the people what I work with know I have endo, most of my family and most of you guys, so how does one spread the word? I am bad as I do not have anything yellow to wear, nothing in my closet is yellow, not even a pair of socks! That is why my blog is yellow!
Endometriosis is a horrible disease to have. It is the cause of most of my pain, most of my misery and most of my surgeries. If I did not have endo, maybe I would have a baby by now? If I did not have endo, maybe I would be happy?
Most of the people what I work with know I have endo, most of my family and most of you guys, so how does one spread the word? I am bad as I do not have anything yellow to wear, nothing in my closet is yellow, not even a pair of socks! That is why my blog is yellow!Endometriosis is a horrible disease to have. It is the cause of most of my pain, most of my misery and most of my surgeries. If I did not have endo, maybe I would have a baby by now? If I did not have endo, maybe I would be happy?
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