I am struggling with this BFN. I struggled with my last two, but this one seems to be harder. Each BFN is harder. I manage to pick myself up eventually but never quite as high as what I was before. Each time I fall, I seem to fall lower.
At the moment all I want to do is lay on the bed curled in a ball and cry or just lay there and mourn. I do not want to be near anyone but my DH. I do not want to go outside, I do not want to go to work, I do not want to eat and I seem to have trouble sleeping.
DH and I have been talking about whether I am going to ever get pregnant. Whether we will ever have a child of our own. This has depressed me further. I know we need to be realistic, but I am not ready to give up yet.
There suddenly have been talks about adoption. It is something that we both want to do, but I feel like it will be admitting defeat. If we do adopt, we want to put our whole sole into it, and not still be going through treatment for a biological child. A family is what is very important to us. If we do adopt, it we mean I will never be pregnant, give birth, breast feed, hold my newborn for the first time. This is a hard pill to swallow, and at the moment, not one I am able to.
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I would say one question you and the hubby should really work on, especially you, is to answer within yourself if you want to be parents, or if you want to be pregnant.
ReplyDeleteYou are right about needing to be in the right place for adoption, because otherwise, while not intentional, if you did adopt your child may always feel like a second choice, like he wasn't what you really wanted, and no child deserves that.
I wish you great luck with finding peace in whatever decision you make. I know it is not an easy one.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but know that I am thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteTake all the time you need to mourn and be with your dh. You are going through this together, and need each other most in a time like this.
Sounds like in the mist of all that your going through that your not ready to give up which is Great. Only you and your dh will know what path you will take and when.
Always keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Lots of Love,
Hannah
Yeah, I think the BFNs get worse b/c at least for me you lose not only that cycle, but also with each one hope that the next one will work. Adoption does not take away the pain of infertility, so you are right to grieve what you are losing.
ReplyDeleteBut you will (or at least I am hoping I will) still have the sensation of holding your newborn for the first time. It may just be a few days after birth. And I haven't looked into it much yet, but it is possible to breastfeed with adoption.
Oh Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteSHIT and Damn and darn it and a whole lot of other things too.
I am so sorry.
I cannot advise at all except to say, I think you'll know when you need to stop trying, it may never be 100% one way or the other, but give yourself room to grieve this. I hate this for you, truly, and I am so so sorry.
I just wanted this to be the one for you.
I did 5, so I have no leg to stand on no matter what you choose,
IVF is so hard, a numbers game, sheer luck and technology and a roll of the dice. I wish it were easier for all of us,
and
sending love to you
please be gentle with yourself and each other.
this is HARD
xo
Kate
You are allowed to feel the way you feel now. Let your emotions play out. I'm still so very sorry this happened. You mentioned in a comment on my blog that you think your embryos stopped dividing? What makes you think that?
ReplyDeleteIt's a big pill to swallow...the pill of adoption that is. But, at the end of the day, family is what is important and what is the desired outcome, and if that means growing your family through adoption, then that is the route one has to take.
Everyone who has adopted seems to be so happy they did. But, like you said, it's so hard to pour your entire soul into "second best." And until you see it as not second best, but as what God wants for you, then you will have to continue trying for your baby. Because, if that is where your heart is, that is what you need to do. Always follow your heart...even when broken. :(
I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to say that Bobbi has very wise words.... :-)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't make any decisions right now...you're too emotional. One foot in front of the other for the next week or so...it's so hard. Your commenters are lovely. I just can't put it into words as they have. Give yourself some time and space...heal your heart.
ReplyDeleteIf you aren't ready to start the adoption discussion...then don't. There is no hurry to jump right on that...you are still in mourning right now and you have to give yourself some time. After you've dealt with your sorrow, you'll know when it is time to start discussing the next step. Just give yourself some time right now...you've been through a lot and are still going through a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog. I can't say I truly understand everything you've been through. But I do get what it feels like to want to make a child with the person you love most in the world.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is aching for you. I was really hoping it would work out this time. I agree with what Rebecca said about taking time and space. For now, it might help to take one day, one minute at a time. You're in my thoughts.
You pick yourself up slowly, day by day. You pick up one piece at a time. You do it how you need to do it, at your own pace. No one can tell you to move on or get over yourself or let go. Everything happens for a reason, and even though it sucks that this is what's going on, you have to know there's something planned in the future that you just don't see right now. Keep your heart open to every possibility, because you just NEVER know.
ReplyDeleteAll my love and thoughts to you tonight <3
So sorry you are hurting so badly. BFNs are so hard and I think it's true that each one is harder. Wishing you strength during this difficult time...
ReplyDelete