Having a low moment

I know, I know, I am meant to be feeling and being positive, but I am struggling. I am often on the edge of depression and manage to bring myself out of it before I slip too deep, but it is a struggle at the moment.

I am sure it is the drugs and I saw my very PG friend today and she looks amazing with her large bump. I also found out that the girl that anounced her pregnancy to me the other day fell pregnant on her first month of trying. Fan-fucking-tastic!

My period has arrived today so I guess I am at CD1. This is a good thing as I have my baseline on Friday amd can hopefully start my stims after that.

I just want to sit here and cry which is not like me at all. I am not allowing myself to cry, I am not too sure why. I know crying is not a sign of weakness, but I am worried once I start I can not stop. I do not really have anything to cry about, I am only at the beginning of my cycle, it has every chance of working. It is just these dam drugs and the side effects truely kicking in!!

A more positive post?!?

Thanks for the reminder that I am meant to be staying positive!

A week into my suppresion injections and I am doing fine. The side effects have been minimal and there is no brusing so far. Time does still seem to be going slow. I stop the pill tomorrow and will hopefully have my withdrawal bleed and then my base line scan and acupuncture is on Friday 7th January, which seems ages away!

Everyone is writing about new year resolutions, but I only have 1 and that is to get pregant. Well thats a bit of a lie. If I do not get pregnant, then my goal is to lose a bit of weight. These last 6 months of IVF, FET, cyst and eating to make myself happy has meant I have put 7lbs on and I am not happy. I realise it is not loads of weight, and my BMI is still less than 25 (just!), but I need to lose it to make myself feel more comfortable in my skin and my clothes!!

I still can not see past January, all I can think of is this IVF and hope that it is a good outcome. I think I will not allow myself to contemplate what happens if this does not work. It is our last go on the NHS and we do not have enough money to pay for a cycle at the mo.

I shall just keep on keeping on and focus on my goal and hope that I get my BFP!

Screw you 2010!

My last blog of 2010 and I am pleased.
This year has sucked ass! I have had many an illness, one failed IVF and one failed FET. I was so sure that I would have a baby or at least be pregnant this year. Sadly not.

A new year, a new IVF cycle, a new start. I just hope that 2011 brings us all our dreams. Mine being a baby (or two!)

A great way to end this year is by a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls at work. Happy Fucking New Year!

Day 3 of injections

Time seems to be going slow. I have done 3 days of injections now and I am doing OK so far. I have had a few hot flushes, few dizzy spells, minor headaches and few mood swings, but nothing I can not deal with. I am sure the side effects will get worse with time.

I am struggling to stay positive, and hopeful. Things keep getting planned for this coming year, trips, holidays etc and I am struggling to commit. I keep thinking I will be pregnant and so not sure if I can make things. I then realise I may not be pregnant and get depressed. I now can not see passed the end of January. I will not/can not commit. I do not know what I will do if this does not work.

Where are my positive thoughts, positive mental state of mind is meant to help!!

1st injection done!

It is official, my second fresh round of IVF has started!! I have done my first injection of Suprecure (lupron equivalent). I did fine as ever with the injection, but had forgotten the slight sting. Nothing major, easy to cope with, but took me by surprise for some reason!

I so hope that this is the cycle. I am having a hopeful moment. I am sure as soon as the side effects kick in I will be feeling different!

I am excited and hopeful, but also thankful I have got this cycle on the NHS, so many patients have been denied as funding has stopped. I am one of the last NHS patients at my clinic and I am so grateful.

Please let me have a baby at the end of this.

Merry Xmas!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday.
I am having a good time, but I am hoping this is the last Christmas without a child. The holiday seaon is hard when everyone else seems to have a family.
In an exciting note, ivf suppression injections start on Monday! Hopefully my last stop on my journey to motherhood!
Happy holidays!

IVF starts one week today!

I cant believe how quickly time is going! Everyone is focused on Christmas and how quick that it comes around, but I am focused on the 27th Dec and first day of injections!!

I am looking forward to Christmas and I am organised and got presents, but it is not the same without a family. I cant spend it with my parents or my brother and SIL and niece and I do not have a baby. All there is, is the in-laws, and I love them but it is not the same.

I think I am starting to get on the roller coaster of hope. One minute I think this will be my cycle, and next minute I am down. It has not worked the last 2 times so why should it work this time? The usual emotions are here and that is even before I start the meds! I cant wait to be doing something towards this baby making process. Being on the pill for the last few months is always hard, feels so backwards!