Happy Mothers day to this who are waiting....

I have copied this from a friends blog and is for all us that are still waiting for our baby

"Happy Mother's Day”

It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Mothers day is very hard for so many of us, and I find it very hard, especially as I am exposed to it twice a year! The UK date for Mothers Day is earlier than in USA and as I live in the UK and my Mother lives in the USA. Such a constant reminder of what I am not and what I do not have.

I keep telling myself one day......

I have booked dates for my FET (again)!

DH and I have been talking lots and we have decided to go ahead with our FET in June/July. I have been feeling better in myself, back to normal most days. If I do have MS, it does not mean I can not have a child. As long as my neurologist gives me the all clear on 31st May when I see her I shall go ahead with my FET.

I spoke to the clinic and provisionally booked in for baseline scan on 20th June which means transfer will be 1st week in July!! It is not really that far away, we are already in May!

These dates and deciding to tell people have given me new hope, something to look forward to and a reason to get healthy and lose weight. Please let this work!

Telling the world?

I am thinking about opening up and telling people about our IF journey, our failed IVF's and everything in between but I am scared.

So far I have told 4 people, two because I knew they would understand and two because the asked me directly about babies and I felt I could no longer lie to them. My family, DH's family and all other friends and work colleagues do not know anything other than I have grade IV endometriosis and babies maybe hard for us.

How do I tell people, how do I bring it up in normal conversation? How do I tell family? 'Oh by the way, we have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET, didn't fancy telling you? I am not sure how it will go down.

I guess firstly I need to look at why we kept it secret. I think 2 main reasons: 1) DH is very private and did not want others knowing our business and talking to us about private matters. 2) We did not want added pressure from friends/family asking if it has worked and telling them 'No' if it hasn't.

I have found it hard keeping it a secret, I like to talk with friends, I like to get support and open up a little to those I trust, I guess why I have told a couple of people. I have also found it hard to lie because people have asked me when in groups if we want children, when we are having a baby, are we TTC and even friends wh vaguely know about end etc have asked if we will try IVF. I have lied to all of these people, r brushed their comments off or changed the subject quickly.

Will these people forgive me? Will they understand? Will they be supportive? Will they get my desire for a baby and understand IF and all that we have been through?

'still young'

There are a few myth busting posts going on at the monent for infertility awareness week and I have been trying to think what to write. There are so many like 'just relax', 'go on holiday', 'just adopt', all of which people have said to me a hundred times. The one that really gets to me and has been said to me by health professinals, as well as friends is: 'You are still young'.

I am 27 and have been TTC for 2 1/2 years. I have had 2 failed IVF's and one failed FET so far. I am 'still young', but sadly my reproductive organs are not. As a lot of you know, I have grade IV endometriosis which has destroyed my fallopina tubes, I have chocolate cysts on my ovaries and it looks like I will be needing a hysterectomy by mid 30's.

Sadly IF affects us at any age and people should realise how insensitive it is to comment on how young we are. Time is not always on our side.

I have been told at all 3 of my transfers by my RE that I am 'young' and so my chances are high and that there is no reason for it not to work and for me to get pregnant, blah blah. Well look at me, I am still not pregnant, still TTC and 'still young'!

A-Z

Stolen from the "And Then There Were Two" Blog

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 24

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: I would love two, but if all I manage to have is one I will be happy. I just want a family!

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: two fur babies, my two dogs!

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take B12, Pre-Natal Vitamin, and multi vit

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Menopur, Suprecure, progesterone supps, cyclogest, follitism and cant remember the rest!

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: about 7 lbs!

H - HSG: Yes, had a couple during my laparoscopy

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: People telling me I am young and still have time!

J - Job Title: Veterinary Surgeon

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: I am so undecided on names, try not to think about names and get my hopes up!

L - Lengh of Time TTC - This September it will be 3 long years

M - Miscarriages: None thankfully

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: None as on NHS and a long waiting list to switch! Will think about it when I go private

O - Overian Quality: OKish I think. It is my grade IV endo and my destroyed tubes which is a problem. Not sure why I can not get pregnant after 3 transfers though...

P - POAS or Wait for AF: I have to POAS as we do not get a beta at my clinic!

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: Oh so many... 'just relax' but the one that was hard was from MIL when she said I should make sure I have twins from my IVF so U get family done in one!

S - Sperm: Fine, no probs

T - Time you Tried Naturally - On and off for a few years, my endo means I can not cope being off the pill for too long.

U - Uterus Quality: I though it was good, now I am not so sure

V - Vagina: yes, I have one!

W - What Babu Stuff do you Already Have: I bought a pregnancy book which I will not read until I am pregnant, one baby grow I was going to give to a friend but fell in love with and a few blankets I have crocheted myself.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! SO far it has been pretty private. At the moment only 4 friends know, no family. When we finally get to do our FET I think we will be open

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes

Z - Zits: I have always had perfect skin until I started IF meds, now I get a few spots sometimes!

Sorry about these kind of posts at the moment. Limbo land is boring for all of us!

I am still trying to come to terms with the 'maybe MS' diagnosis and the further delay of my FET. The waiting is so frustrating.

Maybe MS??

My neurologist rang me today with the results of my MRI and its not great. I have inflammation of my spine and brain. It could be an early indication of MS, they do not know for certain yet.....

I am so upset and p*ssed off. I cant seem to get a break. Everything seems to go wrong with me.

This also means my TTC and FET has to be put on hold for longer so they can figure out if I really do have MS or not....

Getting to know you

the q's.


1. what's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would? Sushi! I am really fussy and did not think that I would like it, but I LOVE it!!
2. plastic surgery..yay or nay? Yay, I would love a quick nip, tuck and lift! DH is very against it though!
3. 2 things you love about spring are.....? The warmth and the flowers
4. when's the last time you went on a picnic? I dont remember!! I am going on a picnic soon with some IF friends from my clinic though!
5. what's your favorite app? Too many to choose from...! I am always on facebook, a few games like tap ranch (a silly but addictive game!) and when I was cycling I used to use P tracker to track my cycles.
6. who does the grocery shopping in your house? I do all of the food shopping, get something out of the freezer every morning and plan and cook all of the meals. DH does and can cook but he is not good at planning. He would get home from work and just open a cupboard and see what he could put together!
7. would you rather take a spin class or zumba? I am not good with classes. Spin I guess. I di try aerobics once and was so useless! I prefer going for a run
8. how often do you go out to dinner? Very rarely. Once every 2 months at the most!! We do not tend to go out much, mainly as we try to save money and once we get home from work we are so tired we cant be bothered to go out again!!

Stop in a play along with Keely...it's fun and easy