I could build a house with my sticks

I will soon be back to peeing on a stick everyday to see when I ovulate. I have p****d on so many sticks and I have bought more to pee on! Now I will be peeing for my fertility monitor and on some ovulation sticks!! I want to make sure 100% that I am ovulating. I have also got a BBT so I can take my temperature every morning. I can hide the peeing on a stick from my DH but not sure how he will react when he wakes up to me with a thermometer sticking out of my mouth every morning!

I am getting even more serious about TTC after every cycle. Each BFN seems to spur me on to do more to make this work. I have realised that I want a baby more than anything but I also want to be pregnant. I would definitely consider adoption if it got to that as having a child is so important to me, but I dearly wish to go through the whole pregnancy part first if that is possible. Some of you may understand the feeling/desire/wish to be pregnant and have a little person grow inside of you. Others I am sure are not too fussed about being pregnant, just want a child and family. That is fine, everyone is different, but for me all I dream about is being pregnant and then holding that baby in my arms.

When I was away on my short holiday, my MIL kept trying to bring up when we were going to have a child and what our favourite baby names were etc. DH and I kept brushing her off and changing the subject but she sadly didn't get the hint. She announced over dinner one evening that I will have a little girl. It was all I could do not to strangle her with the table cloth! I just sat there and smiled and said how I would love to have a little girl. I then wanted to go on to say that it may not ever happen and she should be grateful she has one grandson (my nephew) and she would be lucky if she got another grandchild. In some ways I want to tell her we are TTC in the hope she would get off our backs. I know she is the type of person that would then be on our case even more, wanting to know why it wasn't working, watching me like a hawk for any small sign of pregnancy. She already does all of the above so telling her would make things 100 times worse.

AF is still here but thankfully pain and flow has slowed down to a bearable pace!

I HATE AF

I have been awake since 2.30am this morn, dozed on and off until 5.30am and been awake since. I have been in so much pain. I cant find a comfortable position to sit/lie down. I am exhausted and feel terrible.

I think my periods are getting worse every cycle. I am really struggling to cope. TMI alert! I am having to change my tampon every 2 hours, even through the night!

Sadly am at work today and on duty tonight. My DH wants me to take day off but I cant

It is over now, AF showed

AF showed last night. I am so disappointed, so is DH. No other words to describe how I feel right now other than empty....

So new cycle, new design to blog, new start, another try......

Not sure if this is a good thing right now

OK, third post of the day, not good! I am sitting here whilst DH is in the bath having a small cry. No wailing or even full blown tears, just a small cry. Could this really be another failed cycle? What happened to the hopeful Nic only a few hours ago?

I have finally caught up on all my blogs and am feeling very depressed. I am sorry to those who are struggling and dealing with losses. Also congratulations to those who have great news. I am however feeling very jealous and emotionally drained. I just don't know whether blogging right now is the best thing. I get so much great support from everyone and it helps me so much. I am just struggling at the moment and don't know what I need.

I was/am so certain that I was PG. I felt so sick this morning and still do. Even the sweet, lovely, wonderful smell of cigarettes smelled horrible this morning and made me feel sick wen I walked past someone smoking!

Maybe I tested early, maybe it was because it wasn't the first pee of the day?

Its not over yet

I gave in, I peed on a stick and got a BFN. I know is early days but AF is due from tomorrow. I bought the v expensive HPT's and they still gave me the wrong result!! However, I still have hope, AF has not arrived yet!!!!

My holiday was great, went on lots of lovely walks, swimming, played golf and went bowling. The only problem was that there were so many pregnant people and babies about. It was a constant reminder of what we do not have, yet.

I am still feeling sick, even after 2hours sleep and my BB are so sore. I wish it was because I was pregnant but think I am coming down with something. I really don't want to see AF. Not sure I can cope with the pain and illness

Back from holiday and feeling v sick

11dpo and have very bad nausea today. Not sure why. A little thought keeps creeping into my head and telling me that I could be pregnant. I push it out very quickly and put it down to my IBS that I have and think maybe it was the cream on my hot chocolate this morning. However when I got home I flew upstairs to find a HPT to take a test and found that I have none! I have decided to wait until tomorrow and test then if AF doesn't show as she is due tomorrow. I may give in however, we all know how poor my self control is!! I am impressed with myself that I did not test over the weekend whilst I was away.

I had a great holiday, way too short but great. I will post about it later as feeling so sick at the moment.

I don't mind feeling this ill if I am pregnant. But if I am not pregnant then WTF is this all about? I feel shit! I am going for a lie down!

Going away

I am off on holiday tomorrow for a long weekend and I really cant wait. I am feeling so down, exhausted and in desperate need of a break. Need this holiday for my sanity. Will be lovely to take my dog for long walks in the forest and have a swim in the pool.

On a different note; I cant believe how many babies there are about at the moment. Keep getting PG news and people telling me how their sister is expecting a boy etc. Thats great, I am pleased for them but fuck am I jealous. It makes me feel sad and jealous and makes me a horrible person. I of course smile and act happy but I am sick of PG news and babies everywhere. I cant even watch my favourite soaps anymore as there is a pregnant person in each one and they all happened 'by accident'. Just to say I hate the phrase 'accident' in reference to a pregnancy. I would call it a pleasant suprise!! How would the child feel knowing you called him/her an accident?

7dpo and still feel normal, I am hating this 2ww, I am so impatient, I cant stand this wait. A few bloggers are getting BFP and I am so happy for them (no sarcasm at all, am truthly happy) and am keeping my fingers crossed that everything remains good. It has made me wonder whether this is a good sign for me this cycle as its working for so many, or whether the quota for BFP's this month has been filled and I will have to wait my turn. I realise this is completely stupid way to think, but hey my mind is on over drive at the mo. Good job I am going on holiday!!!!

Reading back over what I have written I realise I have been rambling! Hey, whats new! Just to say I wont be back till Tuesday so sorry for no comments etc. Hope everyone has a good weekend.