BFFN

I pee'd on two sticks this morn, one a first response and one clear blue. Both a BFFN. I am 11dp5dt. Surely its over. Where is AF?

Will call clinic soon. So upset and pissed off. What is wrong with my shitty body?!?

10dp5dt, I test tomorrow....

My OTD (official test date) is tomorrow! I had been doing so well but I caved again and POAS this afternoon. It was a BFN. I am 10dp5dt. Surely there is not much hope for a good outcome. I am having the odd cramp but have been for a few days. Nothing major or painful. It certainly does not feel like AF is coming.
I am dreading tomorrow. What if it is a BFN and there is no AF? I dread calling the clinic to tell them its a BFN. Seems so harsh. Why cant we have a beta blood test like in the USA and other places?

I am feeling so down and trying to prepare myself for the worst but every time I think about it I start to cry. I am having a manic weekend and have a manic day tomorrow. I do not know how I will cope at work tomorrow it I get a BFN.

Please let it be positive. I wish I was the praying type......

8dp5dt

I need another slap.... DH does not know I POAS a stick yesterday and he has kept telling me to test so I tested this morning on my AM urine at 8dp5dt and it was still a BFN. I used a digital and there is something SO offensive by it saying 'NOT pregnant'. Surely it could let you down gently first!!! Of course I cried, of course I feel like it is all over but AF is not here yet so its not over yet. I am feeling a bit sore and crampy though.

Sadly I am working all this weekend, days and nights so will not have time to rest. It may help me to take my mind off things but I am scared I will get my period at work and be on my own like last failed IVF.

As ever I am the optimist!

I gave in

I POAS this afternoon. I know its only 7dp5dt and is very early. It was a negative. I half expected it, but half of me hoped it would be a miracle. I am gutted. I keep telling myself it is early and it was not on the first urine of the day. It was on a FRED though......

I have had a few minor cramps on my right side today and I am grumpy. Hope it is not PMS, just me feeling down and pessimistic.

4dp5dt

Help, I am bored, restless and sick of this 2ww already!! My mind is working in over drive and I am half wanting to POAS (WAY too early I know!!!) and the other half of me never wants to POAS as I want to stay PUPO forever! I realise that it doesn't make sense. I guess I am desperate to know, but scared it hasn't worked.

Bad thing, but I cant help but google. I have found people that got a BFP on 4dp5dt. Surely that cant be right?!!?

I have found a forum that I have joined recently, it is for my fertility clinic and all the girls are cycling there with me. Two of the girls have just got a BFP which is amazing. There seems to be a lot of BFP's this time round and a few minor good things seem to be happening to me at the mo (which is rare) and so I semi optimistic but also scared I am using up all my good luck. DO you think there is only a certain number of BFP's that are handed out each round and once the quota is used up, everyone else gets a BFN?

Wow, I am screwed up at the mo. I realise all of the above is just a load of brain dribble. Sorry. I just had to get it out of my system!!

Oh and I made a fool out of myself the other day, I walked out of the doctors crying because the doctor told me I was losing my hair because of the IVF meds and there wasnt anything she could do but check my thyroid. I am already being treated for hypothyroidism! She did give me some shampoo which is helping with the dandruff but now my hair loss. I never cry in public, especially not whilst walking out of my doctors, surrounded by a few clients and everyone staring at me! SO embarrassing!!

9dp3dt - BFN

I POAS early this morning and there was only one line. BFFN.

I was hoping for a faint line, a little 'hello, we are in here' faint line. I am feeling very down in the dumps and tearful. I cried on DH for so many reasons. I am scared its not worked,I want a baby so much, I do NOT want to go through an egg retrieval again unless I have a full anaesthetic. I am also scared AF is going to show any minute. I had a little pressure in my uterus last night and now I am feeling a little crampy. Is this good or bad? Is this AF?

DH said he doesnt think it is AF because I havent been a bitch to him like I usually am when I have PMT!

I should not really been peeing on any sticks untill Friday, thats the day my doctor told me to do it. Sadly I dont get a beta. Am I over reacting, is there still chance? Will I get my BFP in 2 days time? I am using first response which are meant to be very sensitive. Why all the cramps which are getting worse?

Of course it was going to be

I am 7dp3dt and this 2ww is going so so slow. I caved today though, I POAS! Shock, horror I got a BFN. I strangely was not very upset, I knew it was too early, I knew it would be negative. Why did I do it then and flush money down the toilet? Mainly because I had to go back to work today I wanted to know if I was pregnant. Also I wanted to check my HCG shot was out of my system, which it is.

I did seem to be surrounded by PG people today, esp my friend and colleague who had her 12 weeks scan last week. She talked babies with me a lot and showed me her scan. I am massively happy for her as she is the one that had a miscarriage back in Feb. Today was not the day that I wanted to see the scan though. At the moment, selfishly all I can think about is me, Eggbert and Shelly (and DH of course!)

I will test again Wednesday morning which will be 9dp3dt and hopefully I will get a BFP. My official test day is Friday though which will be 11dp3dt. Sometime I am certain I am PG, certain it has worked, other times I am depressed, sure it has failed.

Oh the joy of the IVF roller coaster!!

Go on, say it....

...'I told you so'.

I POAS... of course it was a BFN! I knew it would be, but I couldn't resist. I am on CD31 and I don't feel like AF will be showing yet. I know now that I have said that, she will arrive in 5 minutes!

It was playing on my mind all last night. At least I know now. I have another 2 days before I test again. I am sure AF will be here by then.

Hope, it is a wicked thing, it keeps our spirits up and then suddenly brings us down hard.

I could build a house with my sticks

I will soon be back to peeing on a stick everyday to see when I ovulate. I have p****d on so many sticks and I have bought more to pee on! Now I will be peeing for my fertility monitor and on some ovulation sticks!! I want to make sure 100% that I am ovulating. I have also got a BBT so I can take my temperature every morning. I can hide the peeing on a stick from my DH but not sure how he will react when he wakes up to me with a thermometer sticking out of my mouth every morning!

I am getting even more serious about TTC after every cycle. Each BFN seems to spur me on to do more to make this work. I have realised that I want a baby more than anything but I also want to be pregnant. I would definitely consider adoption if it got to that as having a child is so important to me, but I dearly wish to go through the whole pregnancy part first if that is possible. Some of you may understand the feeling/desire/wish to be pregnant and have a little person grow inside of you. Others I am sure are not too fussed about being pregnant, just want a child and family. That is fine, everyone is different, but for me all I dream about is being pregnant and then holding that baby in my arms.

When I was away on my short holiday, my MIL kept trying to bring up when we were going to have a child and what our favourite baby names were etc. DH and I kept brushing her off and changing the subject but she sadly didn't get the hint. She announced over dinner one evening that I will have a little girl. It was all I could do not to strangle her with the table cloth! I just sat there and smiled and said how I would love to have a little girl. I then wanted to go on to say that it may not ever happen and she should be grateful she has one grandson (my nephew) and she would be lucky if she got another grandchild. In some ways I want to tell her we are TTC in the hope she would get off our backs. I know she is the type of person that would then be on our case even more, wanting to know why it wasn't working, watching me like a hawk for any small sign of pregnancy. She already does all of the above so telling her would make things 100 times worse.

AF is still here but thankfully pain and flow has slowed down to a bearable pace!

Coming down with something

I have been exhausted and had a sore throat all day. I think I have a bug coming which is annoying as I now have 3 days off and I will most prob spend them sleeping off a bug :(

I was planning for a bit of BD tonight just for the fun of it as it has been a while as AF lingered longer than expected. Not sure if I have the energy now! Also don't really wanna give DH the bug either!

I really want this cycle to get going. I had to POAS this morn with my clear blue fertility monitor which I thought was a bit early as is cd9 and and I normally ovulate on cd18. I am worried as I only have 10 sticks and don't really want to buy another pack as they cost £20 and then I would be giving up on this cycle already. I will not buy any more unless I really have to.

Not pregnant...

... was what my helpful little digital HPT said to me at 5am this morn! Somehow the words make it even harder to digest than no second line.

Had a dreadful nights sleep last night and got 2 emergency calls in the night. The second one was at 5am. I decided to POAS then as I wanted to use the first urine of the day and I needed to pee! There I was at 5am POAS in the freezing cold. DH tucked up in bed asleep. 3 mins is such a long time to wait on your own. When I got the BFN I did nothing but throw the stick away and climb into bed. No tears, no nothing, just felt numb. The bitter disappointment will heat soon when AF arrives.

I haven't told DH, he doesn't need the pain, he will find out soon enough when I get my period. For now it is off to work with a smiling face. Had a awful day and night yesterday and am in for more today. Just want to stay home and curl up in a ball and have a cry. May feel better if I let it out rather than lock it all in and then it burst out at an inappropriate time!

Oh the joys of TTC. Why do we put ourselves through the heartache every month?