Welcome to ICLW!

Thank you all for stopping by my blog. I am stuck in limbo right now and a struggling. My IF journey has not be smooth or successful so far and things keep putting me backwards. I have grade IV endometriosis and hypothyroidism and B12 deficiency. I have had 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, each time 2 'good' embryos put back in. I was due to have a FET in April this year, which was postponed until June this year and now it has been canceled and not sure when it will be. I am having some weird neurological problem and they are not sure if I have MS or neurosarcoidosis so tests are being run.

Being part of this blogging community is amazing. The support we all give each other definitely keeps us going and keeps us strong. The comments are always a great pick me up so thank you to all.

One day I shall have a happy post, one day I shall have a baby. Until then I shall just keep on keeping on.

Having a rough day

Today I went to the doctors for a blood test and another B12 injection. Next stop was the dentist upstairs. Turns out one of my fillings had fractured and I need a deep root filling and a crown on another tooth so had the filling and root stripped out today and and need to go back next week for more work on the deep root filling!

To top things off I a now been bleeding for 2 and a half weeks since coming off the pill....! I am really not happy. I was meant to be having my baseline scan for my FET this Monday coming, instead I am being tortured at the dentist and still waiting to hear back from my neurologist.

Not blogging much at the moment, although I am still reading! I feel that every time I do write a post it is just so depressing!!

I am so lost

Depression is sinking in fast. Being in limbo, waiting to find out when I will have more tests, having the worst period ever at the moment, wondering what horrible disease I have; MS or neurosarcoidosis and having to cancel my FET again. What do I have to look forward to?

The support group from my clinic is great, we meet now and again, chat online and have become friends. We were all booked in to cycle round about the same time, I got canceled (again) and now I am left behind. The clinic has had a major improvement in their success rates and it turns out that all the girls have got their BFP's over the last couple of months! It is great, I am so pleased for them all, but what about me? I feel so left behind. I feel everyone is moving on, becoming pregnant, which is great, but I am not.

I do not know what to do with myself. I do not know how I can keep going on like this. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate how barren I am.

Hello limbo...again...

I saw my neurologist on Tuesday and it is not great news..... She wonders if I either have atypical MS or neurosarcoidosis. What does this mean? It means that I need more tests, another MRI and oh yeah, my FET is cancelled again.

To say I am gutted is an understatement. I feel lost. Will I ever get to do this FET? Will they ever find out what is wrong and then I can deal with it. Limbo sucks

Counsellor helped

I went to see the counsellor on Thursday. She was nice, listened and gave great advice. She told me a lot of stuff that I already knew, but hearing it from someone else who was logical and understanding seemed to help get my head straight. I need to have a plan for one step ahead, stop worrying about everying in the future as that is too far away. I need to focus on this upcoming FET and then what the plan is if it does not work. Anything after that is out of my control at the moment. I also need to learn to accept that so much of this is out of my control and down to luck. I find that so hard to accept though!

I also need to be positive about this upcoming FET as being negative will not soften the blow if it dose not work but will make the cycle a little easier to cope with.

At the moment I do not feel I can be positive about this FET as I am worried I will not be allowed to go ahead with it. Once I have my neurologist appointment on Tuesday and the green light for this cycle I feel I can prepare myself mentally and be positive.

PS I can not leave comments at the mo, blogger is not allowing me to! So frustrating as there is so many of you I have wanted to leave comments for. I am thinking of you all though

What if it never happens?

I belong to a group on fert friends where all the members are part of my clinic. It is great, we are all very supportive, friendly and even meet up which is nice. There has been a lot of activity on it recently and quite a few BFP's which is brilliant. I am so happy for all of the girls, but I a worried it will never be me. One of my biggest fears is never getting pregnant, never experiencing that, never having a baby of my own, never being able to breastfeed.

I am so convinced that I will never get pregnant, but at the same time not willing to accept it which sounds strange I know!

I am going to see a counsellor tomorrow, she is part of the clinic but it is all confidential. She only deals with couples with IF and going through treatments etc which should be good as she should understand quite well.

I need to get my head straight before this FET. I am struggling at the moment and do not like where my head is at.

What if though I can never have a baby.......

Approaching attempt #4

Wow, I never thought it would come to this. Never thought I would actually need all of my four goes on the NHS (2 IVF and 2 FET). I remember being told what our entitlement was and being extremely hopeful and optimistic; how unlucky will we be if we need to get to our fourth go?!? How naive was I! I now realise that four goes are not enough, I may need more, what then?

I have two frosties waiting to be defrosted, waiting to go back in me and I can not wait to get them back in. I am however scared. I am scared of putting them back in, them not sticking and then we have nothing left. Nothing to keep us going, nothing to look forward to. No potential babies left.

I have a couple of hurdles to get over first before we do this FET. I need to have my neurologist appointment, I need to hear good news that my body can cope with a potential pregnancy and that my neurologist will allow me to try. I need the go ahead from her in writing before my clinic will allow me to do the FET. Problem is, she is a bit of a cow, does not understand about my IF and endo etc and has already said to me 'what is the harm in waiting 6 months?'. 6 MONTHS?!? That is a lifetime away. I have already postponed my FET and waited 5 months since my last IVF. I can not wait much longer. My mental state is not good!