Girls are fun to buy for!!

I have done a bit of shopping for my little soon to be niece. I bought a few things online the other day. Today I was passing a cute baby shop, was feeling strong and so went in. I bought a gorgeous pink/purple/lemon flower outfit. So cute!! I did OK. I didn't freak out or have a breakdown. I was in there wishing I was buying for my baby but I got through it OK. Thankfully there was not that many bumps around. I really cant wait to get pregnant and start shopping for my baby, it will be so fun.

On other news, having a lot of house stresses but tomorrow we should be exchanging contracts on the house we are buying, fingers crossed!!

I will be getting a niece!

My SIL and brother had their 20 week ultrasound yesterday and found out they are having a girl! I am excited as have a nephew on the other side of the family so I now will have a niece, one of each! I am very happy for them, but a little jealous.

The only problem is I now have to go shopping for cute girlie outfits! I know it is safest to buy online, but this is my niece. I want it to be personal, I want to hand pick the gifts. I will wait for when I am having a strong day and go shopping. Lets hope I don't have a breakdown in the shop!

Mini meltdown

I feel things are getting a bit too much for me at the moment. I am sure a lot of it is to do with my injections and me being emotional etc but I feel I am slipping into a bit of depression. I have had mild depression before, went to see a councillor about it and things improved a little. I have never been to the doctors about it as mostly I can cope and pull myself out of the slum. I often recognise the signs and stop myself becoming depressed if I can.

I am noticing the signs, I am becoming depressed but I cant pull myself out of it. It has been creeping up on me for a while now. There have been quite a few things that have pushed me a little further as well. Mostly my MRI results and the injections. What nearly tipped me over the edge today was seeing a picture of my SIL with her cute 20 week bump. She looks amazing pregnant. The horrible green eyed jealous monster has escaped form me again. I find myself staring at the bump, jealous and in tears. I want a bump. When I stare in the mirror, instead of a nice baby bump I see fat. I could pass for being three months pregnant at the mo, no real bump, just fat, well that's me. I hate it, I am exercising and dieting but I don't look or feel any better.

This self hatred is not a good thing. It can only lead to more depression. How can I stop this mini meltdown? How can I rid myself of this depression? I guess first step is to stop the self pity. As my dear friend K would say 'Man up!'

Baby clothes shopping...

.... caused me to nearly have a breakdown! I went shopping this morning and thought I would buy a cute outfit for my SIL's baby. At the moment they do not want to know the sex, but that may change! I went into Mothercare, one of our big mother and baby stores over here and was looking for a cute, neutral outfit. I walked around, saw lots of babies and pregnant people, got hot, itchy and had to get out. I couldn't cope. All the cute baby products was just too much. Reminding me what I did not have. I was nearly in tears. Tears of jealousy, tears of self pity, tears of frustration.

I left with nothing and decided that shopping on the Internet was the way forward! I don't become so emotionally attached if it is online. No touching the outfits and more importantly no pregnant people or babies! I dont know why I reacted so badly, I expected to see babies and bumps everywhere. I guess I am not coping very well.

On another note, I bought 'Navigating the land of IF' as I feel I now qualify as being IF, or at least heading in that direction. Actually, I don't want the IF label yet, maybe just difficulty in conceiving. Anyway, I hope the book helps me to cope.

As suggested, I am also going to make a sign saying 'its not me, its the hormones' whenever I get emotional or grumpy, or angry. Remind myself that this is not really me, but also remind myself it will be worth it in the end. Great advice, thank you.

Auntie Nic

My SIL had her US today, turns out she is 13 weeks and due 20th November. They think its a girl but a little early to say for definite!! I am very excited as have a nephew so a niece will be great! The frustrating part of all of this, (apart from me being a little jealous!!) is just how fertile my SIL is and the fact she doesn't even know when she conceived or what her due date was until her scan today! She is the type of fertile person I hate!!

I haven't got an update on myself. Actually I don't quite feel myself. I had never noticed when I was on the pill before that you are never quite yourself, slightly less energy, slightly less bubbly, slightly less smiley, slightly less every but significantly less pain which is always a good thing.

Over it

I am over my jealousy about my SIL being pregnant (well maybe still a little jealous!!) and am now getting excited!! I am hoping she has a little girl as I have a nephew and would love a niece. Actually who am I kidding, I want them to have a healthy baby! I am pleased I am now excited for them. I hated the person I was yesterday! I tried to explain to DH but as expected he didn't understand.

Sorry its a short post, am on duty.

CD12, looking for to some quick BD before I go on my business trip. Am hoping I will ovulate early this month. Knowing my luck I will ovulate smack bang in the middle of my trip. I am now think turkey baster?!!? Of course only a joke!

PG news, I will be an auntie!

My brother has just announced that my SIL is pregnant! What was the first thing I did? Burst into tears, not tears of joy but jealousy. I am such a bitch! They weren't trying, they are 20 and still have 2 years of college left. I know a baby is a blessing at any time and I would never regret a pleasant surprise like this but I cant help the jealousy. I have been trying and got a BFN and they weren't and have a BFP! Life is just not fair! Thankfully I am home alone in floods of tears, my DH would just not understand why I am so upset.

Jealous bitch being put to one side.....OK.. I am very pleased for them. All my SIL wants is to be a stay at home mum and have lots of children so it is great for her. My brother is also desperate to have a family so they are lucky and are very happy.

The sad thing is that they live in the USA and I love in the UK so I will hardly get to see my niece or nephew and will miss it growing up. I wasn't planning to go back to the USA until they had a baby but didn't think it would be for a few years.

I am still in tears and so jealous!