Booked in for a total hysterectomy :(

So much has happened in these last 2 years! I love being a mum! My beautiful daughter that we adopted 2 years ago has just turned 3! She is amazing, funny, intelligent, stubborn, crazy and I love her with all my heart! I have been so incredibly happy these last couple of years! There is however a but.. and that is that my endometriosis has been very bad, I have a 8cm cyst on my left ovary, bad pain, heavy bleeding and I am booked in to have a total hysterectomy on 18th June. I am struggling with this a bit as it all feels so final. I thought after 7 failed attempts at IVF and then moving on to adoption that I had drawn a line under this all, but turns out not quite. I am struggling to come to terms with it all. I still wish that I could have been pregnant, could have experienced all of the things a women was supposed to experience and once my uterus of doom and ovaries and cervix is removed, that chance will be 100% gone. Everyone keeps telling me how much better I will feel after the surgery and I really hope this will be the case. I am worried about the recovery and pain as well as the emotional side.

Where have these 8 weeks gone?!?

Our DD came home 8 weeks ago! I can not believe how fast the time has gone! She is 15 months today! These last 8 weeks have been amazing and exhausting! M is a lovely girl who loves to smile, giggle and please. She learnt to walk last week and there is no stopping her now! I love being a mum! It is all I have every dreamed of! I have been so happy since having M. It has been very hard work and such a sudden dramatic change in lifestyle. I miss the time that I used to spend with my DH, just the two of us. That said, I love spending time as a family, the three of us now!

We met our daughter today!

Today has been amazing! We met M and she is adorable! She recognised us from the photos she was given last week. Amazing for a 1 year old! She kept looking at the pictures and then us and then smiling! She warmed to us very quickly. She is a very happy calm girl that loves to babble, dance and sing! Can't wait to see her again tomorrow. Hopefully she will be home forever on 25th April! So happy and excited! All is very surreal at the moment!

I will be a mummy this month!!

Only 2 weeks until we meet our daughter! Only 3 weeks until we hopefully bring our daughter home!! There are only a couple of things that we need to do before we meet her. First is our Matching panel on the 10th April - 10 people will interview us again to agree that we can adopt her. After that we have the introduction period which I am feeling very nervous about!! Anyone in the UK got any advice for introductions? M is 1 year old and not sure what to expect when it comes to introductions! I have waited so long for this and now that it is so close I am getting extremely excited/nervous/impatient! It was Mothers day over here in the UK last weekend. Another Mothers day where I do not have a child. I managed to keep myself busy by getting the nursery ready and washing clothes etc. My DH did something very sweet - he got me a 'nearly' mothers day card! He wrote how I am a 'nearly mummy' and I thought it was a lovely thing to do!

We are adopting a little girl!!

I am so happy right now! We have been matched with a little 11 month old girl who I shall call 'M'. We have met her social workers, her foster carers, read her history, seen some photographs and videos. She is beautiful! We go back to panel, where 10 people will interview us again and confirm 100% that we are allowed to adopt her. This will be on the 10th April. As long as they day yes, we will meet her on 17th April, get to know her over 10ish days and hopefully have her home by 28th April!! I can not believe I am finally going to be a mum! I have waited and wished for this for so so long and it is nearly here! We have been shopping for a buggy, car seat, high chair, decorated the nursery and I am getting so excited! I guess I am starting to nest! I do however feel extremely nervous, overwhelmed and a bit scared, but I think all are normal feelings for any new mum, whether it be due to adoption, or having a biological child. One thing I do know is that I love her already and I have yet to meet her!! Crazy! It just feels so right!

They said YES!!

Panel went well. We had 10 people interview us, but it didn't last very long. We were told they were very positive about us from our portfolio that they had read. We were only in for 10 mins. Instead of them sending us out of the room to talk about us to decide, they spoke in front of us! It was a unanimous 'yes' we should be allowed to adopt! So happy and relieved! We can be parents!

Will they say yes?

Tomorrow is when we find out if we are approved as adopters! I am so nervous and excited! Tomorrow could change our life! Frustratingly I have been ill and off work in bed for the last 2 days with a bad cold! It will not stop me turning up tomorrow for panel (interview). On other exciting news, we will also be given a CPR (profile) of a child we have been told about....! More info on that to come if we like the look of her.....! SO EXCITING!!

Less than a week!

Less than a week until we find out whether we will be approved to adopt! I am feeling so nervous and sick! I am not sleeping well either. When I do sleep I just keep dreaming of adoption, kids etc! I think this is worse than when we were doing IVF! Everyone is so confident we will be approved, but I am so worried we will not be! Not long now!

What is panel?

Turns out no one knows what panel is!! I guess it is an England thing! Panel is what happens after we have had our home study and our PAR (prospective adopters report) is written. It is like an interview. DH, myself + SW are put in front of a panel of approx 10 people made up of medical advisor, members of adoption agent, adoptive parents, other SW's etc. they have read our PAR and ask us questions about us, anything they want clarified and ask us about how we will be as adoptive parents. They then send us out the room, have a chat about us, call us back in the room and let us know if they will recommend us to be approved as adopters. Once they say yes we can start the search for our child!

We are going to panel on 13th Feb!! Updated

Our adoption had been going slowly up until a couple of months ago. We got assigned a new social worker, which was stressful at first, but she has turned out to be brilliant!! She has got everything done quickly, been lovely and we have got on with her really well. She came round two days ago with our completed PAR which is brilliant! We signed it and are ready and waiting for panel!! Panel is 13th Feb which feels so long away right now! I am sure it will come round quickly, but time feels like it is dragging! We are both so nervous about panel. Not sure what to expect or what they are going to ask us! Such a fear that they will reject us! There is no reason for them to reject us, but it is such a life changing decision they are making! **update: panel is an interview in front of 10 people that we have to do to get recommended to be approved as adopters

So much has happened, but still no closer

I have not been on here for so long. The adoption process has been hard, frustrating, tedious and we have not progressed! I thought we were getting somewhere and moving forward, but then my SW decided to leave all of a sudden! We have been assigned a new SW and have had to start the process all over again (other than the prep course!). We were so annoyed when we found out! Our new SW is lovely, and it's not her fault we have to start again, but it is frustrating when we cover old ground! Our panel has now been moved to February 2014 and I really hope it does not move again! I wish I could write like I used to in this log, but I have lost my mojo! The only other update is that I had the mirena coil fitted yesterday. It was fairly painful, but I managed fine. I did however have terrible cramps all yesterday, but feeling better today. It feels strange to have the coil fitted when I have IF and people keep presuming It is for contraceptive reasons. Obviously not! It is to try to control my endometriosis as it has been so bad recently. My other options is another lap, or there was talk of a hysterectomy! I'm 29, I would prefer to be at least in my 30's before that happens! Scrap that, I would like to have a family first, all be it an adopted one!

Homestudy going well

We have had 3 homestudy sessions so far. It has been going well, our SW is starting to become more friendly and we are getting on well which is great! She told us today that we are booked to go to panel in January 2014! I am pleased we are booked onto panel. I was hoping it to be in December, but we will not make the deadlines. I would rather wait another month and make sure we are ready for panel, than rush it and not get approved. Our SW also wants us to start getting the room ready for the child. It is exciting, but I feel a bit premature! We are just painting, new carpet and we have got a decent 2nd hand cot bed which we will not put up yet! So far, all is going well!

June = Prep course!!

I have been MIA for the last few months. I have needed time out and I have had nothing to write about! June has finally arrived and we have just done our 3 day prep course! It was extremely interesting, but extremely exhausting! Learnt a lot about brain development, types of abuse, behaviours and about contact. In UK most adoptions are opened adoptions which means there will be some form of contact. I learnt how this can be beneficial to the child we adopt. We have all been given our SWs, which for us is Fiona, who we have already been dealing with. Home study is our next thing to do, and hopefully that will start in the next couple of weeks. We should go to panel all being well in December or January. Thankfully my DH has completely accepted adoption, he has had to do a lot of coming to terms with not having a biological child. I think it is harder for him as he could have a child if he wanted to (with someone else!), whereas I am infertile and it will never happen. That is extremely hard to deal with, but maybe easier as is very black and white for me. Adoption is my only option. I am a lot happier, positive and upbeat person compared to how I was a few months ago. The break has done me good, which I never thought it would. Now I am ready and eager to move on with the adoption process which has finally started!!

At a snails pace

That is how quickly our adoption process is going! We met with our SW and her supervisor on Wednesday. It went well other than seeming pointless! My MS was hardly discussed, to be honest I am not sure what was really discussed in the 2 hours they were over. The good news is that we are allowed on the June prep course! I am very happy that we can continue on to prep course. My job should also be improving as of June with no night duties! Roll on June! Are we really still in March?!?!

Medical report from neurologist is finally here

After a really long wait my neurologist has finally sent her letter to the adoption agency! All the paperwork has been sent to the medical advisor and now we are waiting for the decision as to whether the adoption agency will allow us to proceed. Guess how long the wait will be, yup 2 weeks! I thought the 2ww was over now I have stopped IVF?!? The letter from the neurologist was good though. It stated how I was in remission from MS, no neurological signs or symptoms, how she can see no reason for me not being able to adopt and that she fully supports us adopting. All of which is very positive and has got my hopes up that surely they can not say no? I have been struggling with being in limbo for the last however many months...years...! I am getting so impatient, I just want to get on with this hard, stressful, long process of adoption. This doing nothing and mind going crazy is worse than when I was going through IVF!

The medical adoption forms are being posted.....

.... On Friday! I finally got a call to say my neurologist has filled out the forms, will sign them on Friday and will post to adoption agency first class. My social worker is waiting for the forms and as soon as they arrive will post them to the medical advisor. Pleased that something is finally happening, but it is all so slow and frustrating!

I am back but nothing to report

I had a great holiday in the USA visiting my family. My niece is so adorable and she wanted to spend every moment with me which was lovely. I came back from USA expecting to hear an outcome from the medical advisor, instead I learnt that my neurologist has not filled out the medical adoption form yet! I have contacted her secretary, and they hope to do it the end of this week, maybe next week. Frustrating as the form was sent to her on 28th December 2012! The waiting is frustrating me as it is out of my control!

Adoption medical went fine!

I had my medical with my GP the other day and it went fine! I had to wait ages and then it took about 45 mins! He went through my whole medical history (which is a lot of history!), asked loads of questions and then did a full exam! It was worth it and he said there was no problems and can not see a reason why I can not adopt which is great! One hurdle done, next is letter from my neurologist, but she has already said she will be supportive which is great. All I then need to wait for is the medical advisor to give their opinion on whether I can proceed with adoption. This last part is the frustrating part as out of my control and they will never meet me to see how capable I am!! On a lighter note, I am off on holiday tomorrow to the USA to see my parents, bro, SIL and my niece who is 3! So excited to see them all and forget about adoption for a week!

How hard is it to get some forms signed?!?

So Christmas was rubbish as I worked most of it and have been very depressed. What has been going on the last few weeks - not a lot is the answer! My adoption SW phoned me after the initial visit and said that she had forgotten to get me to sign the consent forms for her to write to my GP for my medical and to my neurologist. I said that I gave verbal consent, but it was not good enough, she would post me the forms. A week later and she still had not posted them, so I drove to her office to sign the forms. First of all, she only had one for me to sign, I had to ask her if there was a second one, she was not sure and had to check. Good job I asked as there was a form for my GP! I feel that I am going to struggle with how incompetent people are and how slow all of this process is! I have my medical booked with my GP 9th Jan 2013. I really hope it goes ok. I am running a few miles 4 times a week at the moment, trying to get my BMI down from 25.5 to 24 maximum and I am really thinking of offering money or even sexual favours to get a clean bill of health from my GP!! I am not only running to lose weight and get fit, I am running as I feel I have a point to prove. Yes I have MS, No I do not let it affect me, and Yes I can adopt a baby, is the message I am trying to get a across by saying 'look at me running, I can do this!" Crazy right?!? My DH thinks so, but it is a great way to focus my stress and energy and for me to feel like I am doing something as I hate not being in control! I am so scared that I wil be rejected for adoption.......

Turns out MS is a BIG problem

We had my intial meeting with the adoption social worker this afternoon. I was very nervous and my house has nevery been cleaner or tidier! There was a lot of questions asked about why we want to adopt, our IVF, our interests, family, support, child care experience. All of those questions were fine until we came to my MS. The mood changed, became quite negative and I started to get a bad feeling. Basicly we can not move forward until I have had a medical with my GP, the agency has contacted my neurologist and then all the info is gathered on me and sent to an indepent medical advisor for review. I am gutted as this will take ages for all the paperwork to be done etc, and so we will not make it on to the February prep course. She said everything else about us is great and the house is great, it is just my MS. It is always my health that holds us back. I also hate the stigma that is around MS. No one can tell I have it, I seem fine and I am fine, just a bloody label.