running and rabbit food

This is my life at the moment. I am taking my diet and exercise very seriously, which for me is strange. I have run a bit these past few years, have done a couple of 10k runs, but only because I made myself or had a point to prove. Today I went for a 4 mile run with my DH. The route was lovely and peaceful, the weather was great, I loved it. I cant believe I actually enjoyed my run! This is unheard of! The other thing I enjoyed was the fact that I am fitter than DH! Fitter than the man who has always ran and been fit, fitter than the man who ran the London marathon two years ago! Admittedly he has hardly ran since the marathon, but still, in the last 9 years I have never been fitter than him!

My lunch today was so boring, rabbit food and a boiled egg! I am trying to cut carbs out of my life, but how I miss them! I love bread, potatoes, pasta, rice, cereals...... I have also cut out sweets, cakes and chocolate. Dieting is so boring and I can see how people never stick at it for long! I have never been able to stick at a diet before, but I am determined to get to my target weight. This is my goal, this is my way of keeping my mind off my other stresses and worries. My mind is focused on getting my body fitter and slimmer.

Thanks to all regarding my last post and bleeding. I seemed to have stopped for the time being which is good, I am sure it was nothing to worry about. If it happens again I will call.

Should I be bleeding?

I had my 2nd zoladex injection last week to suppress my ovaries. For the last two days I have been bleeding a bit, its not a full blown period but enough there to have to use a tampon. I thought with these injections you have a bleed after the first injection and then that is it, no period for 6 months. I was hanging on to the no period side effect, trying to make a positive out of so many negatives. Looks like I have lost my only positive! Thankfully I only have minor discomfort and not my usual period pains. I am still wondering whether I should be bleeding?

A witty come back

I have been over my Nan's this afternoon, was nice to visit her. My auntie then turned up and we were chatting about Maddy and her dog and I commented how I would love to get a puppy. She replied 'why don't you have a baby instead'. I wanted to scream at her, but instead I replied 'babies are not very convenient, I cant really keep one in a cage at work, and these days it is rather frowned upon to leave them at home for 4 hours on their own when you go to the cinema like I did last night!'.

I was impressed with myself, instead of clamming up and mumbling something I had a witty response. I shall use it from now on!!

Mini meltdown

I feel things are getting a bit too much for me at the moment. I am sure a lot of it is to do with my injections and me being emotional etc but I feel I am slipping into a bit of depression. I have had mild depression before, went to see a councillor about it and things improved a little. I have never been to the doctors about it as mostly I can cope and pull myself out of the slum. I often recognise the signs and stop myself becoming depressed if I can.

I am noticing the signs, I am becoming depressed but I cant pull myself out of it. It has been creeping up on me for a while now. There have been quite a few things that have pushed me a little further as well. Mostly my MRI results and the injections. What nearly tipped me over the edge today was seeing a picture of my SIL with her cute 20 week bump. She looks amazing pregnant. The horrible green eyed jealous monster has escaped form me again. I find myself staring at the bump, jealous and in tears. I want a bump. When I stare in the mirror, instead of a nice baby bump I see fat. I could pass for being three months pregnant at the mo, no real bump, just fat, well that's me. I hate it, I am exercising and dieting but I don't look or feel any better.

This self hatred is not a good thing. It can only lead to more depression. How can I stop this mini meltdown? How can I rid myself of this depression? I guess first step is to stop the self pity. As my dear friend K would say 'Man up!'

MRI results

Received a letter this morning from the hospital with my MRI results. Not what I was hoping for..... they found 2 nodules 16mm and 11mm on my liver. They think are benign but not sure so I am being sent to a liver specialist and need to have another MRI in 6 months time! I cant do it again. I was so claustrophobic last time, I nearly had a proper panic attack and meltdown. I got through it knowing it would all be over soon. To know that I need to do it all again, I am not sure how I will manage it. 1hr 10 Min's is a long time to be strapped to a table, pushed in a tiny tube and lay still, especially when you are so claustrophobic. Also, what if they are not benign, how do they know? They haven't done a biopsy so they can not say for def that they are not tumours, what if it is cancer? It cant be cancer, I feel fine, there is no pain, no signs, no illness, they just happened to find them. They must be benign, right?!

I am stressing, panicking and upset. I was expecting them to say that they couldn't find the nodules, my surgeon were imagining them, or that nothing to worry about, end of.

This afternoon to take our mind off things we went for a 9k walk around a lovely forest by us. Maddy the dog loved it and we felt very calm and relaxed. we tried not to think of any of our worries and it was lovely.

Three years ago today my wonderful DH proposed to me. Happy Independence day to USA and happy anniversary to me!

Force feeding

My diet is going well. Lost 3 pounds last night at fat fighters, see ticker above!! I was also slimmer of the week which meant I won a whole bowl of different fruits which was nice. I really am taking my dieting seriously, this is the most serious I have been about my weight other than for my wedding.

My main problems with losing weight is that I have hypothyroidism and so find it so hard to shift weight. I also skip meals, mainly breakfast as I just don't feel like eating in the mornings. I also don't have time to eat during the day a lot of the time. I don't have a set lunch break at work. I have lunch if I can catch 5 minutes but that is all. This means that some days I do not have breakfast, I do not have lunch, so my first meal of the day is in the evening. I then eat loads as I am so hungry and then go to bed with a full belly, don't work it off and therefore put on weight!! I know its bad to go all day without eating, I hate breakfast and I cant help the lack of lunch some days.

My goal is to eat a decent breakfast every morning. I have tried but not doing as well as hoped. This morning I have eaten an apple and a banana, not bad I guess. Note to self, must try harder!

Bumps everywhere

Is it me or is nearly everyone pregnant at the moment?!?! (If you are reading and pregnant, sorry, I am happy for you, I just want it to be me as well!!). I have had 4 pregnancy announcements this week. They have been so hard to swallow. I smile and act pleased and surprised but inside I am crying and jealous! I hate the jealousy, I am not a good person when I am jealous, I just cant help it. Before, when I was TTC there was hope that this could be the month and I could join the bump brigade, or there was always next month. Hope kept me going. The fact that I am on a break and I know there is no chance, no hope makes it even harder.

I was having a conversation with a friend who knows my TTC worries (the only friend who knows) and we were chatting about why we want a baby. It is so hard to put into words why it is that I want a baby. I want a little person growing inside me, I want a little me and DH, I want something to love with all my heart, I want to fill the gaping hole which I feel in my heart, I want a baby.....